Insert Title Here

This Blog Is Taking A Short Nap

2007-01-21T22:01:00.000+10:00

I am trying out the new google based blogger for a bit - new blog, because this one wouldn't migrate for some reason, is Brisbane Male Thirty, pretty much what you get is written in the title.

The interface does seem to be easier, though that doesn't excuse the 'you can migrate your old one over now' messages that I continually got over on this one. Not sure whether I will migrate the info from this blog over to the new one, or just keep them separate at this stage.

Normal transmission will resume shortly, your call is important to us.

Pauly

What's The Story Morning Glory

2007-01-20T19:54:00.000+10:00

I'm at a funny time of things in my internet life. I'm a bit, as they constantly say at work, over it as it were. I don't have that exciting a life to blog about, I am at one of those stages where it is a struggle to get motivated to write something on here.

I'm trying to leave behind the general leftish ranting in reaction to news pieces from the States, Iraq or Canberra - or elsewhere for that matter. I know I am not going to be hired for a prominent international newspaper or website for my opinion pieces, so when I do go off at Bush or Howard for whatever they are doing this week, it just feels like another whinge about things I cannot affect. Pissing into the wind may be an appropriate phrase - no one is going to care what this little visited corner of the interwebs is going on about.

And will Google please stop trying to get me to 'upgrade' my blog? I tried it once already and it didn't take this along with it, and the messages say we are now ready for you to switch over, like are you fuck. Scuse my French. I keep trying, they keep rejecting this blog going across with me - maybe it's because I took my links off the template perhaps? Maybe I will just give in and do a link from this place to any new thing I do set up. Wasn't it better when Google were the little new kids on the block?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps - wasn't that a song?

And although I do love love love Flickr, photographs being a passion of mine, when trying to put some of my pics into relevant groups today, I just got sick of the amount of choices there were, and the fiddliness of getting pics into groups. Choice is overwhelming online, especially since earlier in the week I also signed up to that del_icio.us 'social networking' thing - if only the computer could read my mind and categorise the photos and websites from there, it would be most helpful. And don't even get me started on YouTube.

Broadband would help of course. Either I would do the stuff I wanted to quicker, and be able to listen to the hockey radio coverage clearly, rather than break break break, or I would do more stuff LOL. That's always the threat with broadband, but it would be so cheap for the lessening of all that frustration.

Or maybe it is simply too hot lately to put up with things. Isn't supposed to get below thirty in Briz Vegas all week, and, although we have had a mild summer thus far, and it has been much hotter in other parts of the country, well, above thirty is too hot for me. Wellington never got above 27 most summers. Yeah, get out the violins, I'm rambling.

I could talk about my work week and the huge amounts of negativity and cynicism rolling around the place, and the fact that the most negative and cynical of the people there are the ones that wander around the place, spending half an hour out of their desks at times, but that would just get me even more wound up LOL.

Was going to see Borat tonight, the movie has been out for so long that there are no afternoon sessions anymore, but decided to wait until tomorrow instead. Maybe will head into town, perhaps the Gallery of Modern Art or something, just to do the getting out of the house thing. Downloaded the Australia Day South Bank programme for next weekend's Something To Do, and the weekend after that am in NZ for that flying visit to the grandparents. Weekend after that, I may go and see the Brisbane International Car Show.

Would also like to go see Walking With Dinosaurs, but am betting that will go by the by as well. Trying to get my parents, read for that father, enthused in much is very difficult. Or maybe I should just ask for activity buddies across the internet? Nah, that never works, especially when emphasising activities only, blah blah.

Going through my email, the latest Borders e-newsletter has Nicole Ritchie writing a book. The apocalypse is almost upon us, obviously - with not one, but the choice of two covers 'for a limited time' - Oh Mi God, craptacular. Also advertising An Inconvenient Truth out next week - maybe I will get it to persuade the climate change unbelievers in the house to convert LOL.

Yes, my blog has gotten boring enough to review emails - I am going with the excuse that I was in shock that Nicole Ritchie could write or some thought similar. Her book is about a nothing type girl adopted by a rock superstar and the wild parties that ensue. Hmm, not going to comment on that at all.

Will see how blog inspired I am tomorrow
Paul

Therapy 3.0

2007-01-17T21:05:00.000+10:00

Title today is because I went to the third therapist in my life on Monday. Version 1.0 was the child and family psychiatrist who I'm sure I tormented a bit during the suicide watch year, 1993 - being the typical teenage pain in the backside, adults don't understand me schtick. Second attempt was for about four or five appointments after coming back from Train Wreck Canada, but I wasn't working then, and didn't want to spend too much of my parents' money.

Therapy 3.0 has started because of the fainting spell or seizure or whatever you want to call it last month, and because the doc suggested it may have been anxiety. Am willing to get some help regards the anxiety stress and all the rest, and had a good session the other day. I just totally opened up about everything, which, even with my best friends and family, I am somewhat loth to do nowadays - if loth is the right word, and the right spelling.

From the whole falling over at work embarrassment, to my avoidance of commitment in any current relationship, to suicide watch 1993, to the whole Canada thing, which, to be honest, I try to blank out, to being teased as a short, bespectacled foreigner at high school, to the fact that I have never 'dated' anyone locally. And only the briefest touch against the whole adoption thing, and no mention at all of what my mother suggested as an issue, That Internet Thing.

The psych seemed nice enough, probably my age or perhaps a bit older or younger, and prodded me occasionally with questions to make me think of issues from a different viewpoint - not too often because I was off and away with venting central. He said I wasn't as mixed up as I liked to think I am, and also that I have put a lot of thought into what I think my issues are - failure, rejection - always thinking, never doing, as I have been accused - and for the past twenty years in some regards - and that short term we could work on coping mechanisms for anxiety, longer term we could work on that self esteem of mine.

He will need another session to fully flesh out an assessment, and give some recommendations, but that is okay with me - next one is February 12, but they will give me a call if someone else cancels. Which would be nice.

Went to the movies in the first time like forever after the therapy thing on Monday - went and saw Babel, which a day later (remember, Golden Globes are on Yankee time) won best dramatic picture. Good film, I enjoyed it, Brad Pitt looked old - going into the elder statesmen roles, a la Pacino and de Niro perhaps - although the whole Japanese connection was a tad weaker than the other three stories in it.

And have booked travel back home to see the grandparents - grandfather has been going downhill fast the last few months, if anyone can recall I have mentioned it before. Just a short, sharp visit 2 to 5 Feb, not too long to bore or overwhelm or anything - in on the Friday night, out on the Monday morning, although with the international connections will be almost a full four day thing.

More later
Paul

Reality Redux

2007-01-15T16:39:00.000+10:00

So, the holiday logs are over, and back to real life real time fast breaking blogging - yeah right. But at least with references to yesterday and tomorrow and stuff, you know that I actually mean those days. Back in Brisbane, and the big thing of this week has been my sister moving down to Melbourne.

For her final weekend - last weekend I am meaning - she had made the choice to go to Currumbin Sanctuary. The rest of my family still have not been to Australia Zoo, in all the time we have been in Oz, but eh, it was the sister's choice. We hadn't been there as a family since about 1987 or 88 - I had gone on a school camp there in 89, but still, it is pretty much a generation since we have been. Wow, it is scary to say that it has been a generational change like that...

Anyways, saw some birds, snakes, kangaroos, koalas and other animals - kept us entertained for most of the day, and only $30. Overcharged for the burgers for lunch, but that always happens - the only disappointment was not seeing a Tassie devil, I guess they were sleeping or something. No camel rides either, like the last time we were there, but yes, it was just a nice family day out - and with my sister in the driving seat of where to go and what to see, it was a bit of a change from me always seeming to organise everything on tourist days out.

Then yesterday it was fly out of Queensland day, and, even though it was a mid morning flight, and therefore an early morning wake up call, on a weekend and everything, I decided to head down to see her off. I thought about it, and whenever I have visited or come to Brisbane, she has usually come out to see me in as well - hardly ever talked to me, it is fair to say, but she was usually present.

I realised as we were parking that my parents have never been on a domestic flight in Oz, and therefore have not needed to go to the domestic terminal - even when we went to Sydney in 1990, we took the train instead of flying. And I had to remind them that they could go through security to see my sis off at the actual gate, they were initially thinking they would say goodbye before the security checks. And my sister asked if there were going to be any hugs and that there better not be, she got one from Mum but no one else - geez our parents are so lucky to have three such non huggable children LOL.

As Dad said later as we hit the shopping centre, one down and one to go. Well, whatever happens this year I will not be living with the parents at the end of it, unless things go stupendously pear shaped with my life. And then this place would feel almost empty I am sure.

Other news from the past couple of weeks - the weather has been fucking weird the last few weeks. Not only was there that huge iceberg in the Canadian Arctic that broke off in the middle of their freaking winter, but the (European) Alps didn't get any snow until after Christmas, and even then there isn't too much of the stuff.

The eastern seaboard of the USA over Xmas and New Year was positively balmy - the cherry blossoms are out in DC about three or four months early, and parts of Victoria, in this part of the world, had a white Christmas - this partially in the same areas which have had the worst bushfires down there. Nuts.

But still the skeptics, including my parents, still aren't convinced on a possible massive climate change - oh, but it's global warming, why are some places getting colder? Is it man made or is it just a natural pattern? I tried to explain the severity of it all to V the other day, if we get less snow there will be less water - or put another way, can Australia imagine the consequences if this drought sticks around another five to ten years? And then I had to stop because I was starting to feel dizzy, stress related or something perhaps.

Wally Lewis, former rugby league player who works for Nine News and had a seizure on air a couple of days after I had my last one in fact, is back at work. Well, he is working as a sports reporter rather than a live presenter for the time being, reduced duties I guess, but I heard on the radio some comments that he and his wife gave the night that he 'returned'. The wife was saying that he wasn't the man she married anymore, and he was saying himself that looking back into the past there are times where he has forgotten entire days. Makes it sound like epilepsy is a hell of a lot worse than I have experienced it - maybe it is the seizures that are making me grumpy lately LOL.

Although I do still prefer to say I have seizures rather than the E for epilepsy word.

Now that I have my MP3 player which is also an FM radio, I can actually listen to the news on the way home on the bus or train. Which is nice - apart from when you hear about murder suicides. A father killed his two kids and himself while the mother was out shopping in Perth - they had emigrated from Afghanistan back in the 90s - and a real estate receptionist got shot at work in Logan, just south of Brisbane, after arguing with a tenant who was looking likely to be evicted. The tenant she had been arguing with then topped himself.

Why those stories should come to the top of my mind in amongst all the mayhem of crime in Australia, I don't know, but I think Andy Warhol would need to amend his saying about fifteen minutes - nowadays it seems to be that everyone is known for only fifteen seconds before being forgotten. Though don't even think of getting me started on the inanity that is Paris Hilton.

Pauly

Xmas Hols Ten

2007-01-13T17:12:00.000+10:00

As the trip comes to an end, am on the Tas to Melb leg of the trip - have a window seat but have two giraffes of teenage boys trying to look through me to the window, is all Bass Strait blue at the moment though.

On 2 January, which would have been Tuesday, which was supposed to be my climbing Mt Thomas day but V's workmate who was due to take me up had family stuff that came up that was OK, just will do it next time I guess.

Instead went driving up to Devil's Gullet - Tasmania always seems to have the hellish names of any Australian state, doesn't it. We were told it was a bit of unsealed road to get up the top, which turned out to be 14 kays - the last 4 kays of which was also to be on the look out for falling rocks. Since it was my idea to go I was very quiet on the way up, averaging 25 to 30 kays an hour, just turning the Abba tape up louder while V gritted her teeth, drove the claws into the steering wheel tighter, and was looking for any excuse, any, to turn around. I didn't want to give her a reason with one of my trademarked smart comments. Was very quiet on the way up.

Then a 500 metre bush walk up the top seemed to be 500 metres vertically, and it seemed to take forever. Glorious views though, but going up in winter could be a mistaken idea - could see across to Cradle Mtn, about 65 kays away - was the slightest bit hazy though.

It wasn't until the way down that I mentioned the caution falling rocks sign, but yes, V had seen them on the way up. Averaged about 40 to 45 kays on the way down, which was good - the recommended speed was between 60 and 100 though, and I don't think even the 4WDs would have attempted that - would be a good rally track but. Oh, and the car was covered in dust.

Back to Devonport and I was wanting a pub lunch, but didn't get in until 3pm, so Maccas it was again. Bought a Tassie statewide UBD book and then dropped off the cheap cargo pants I had been thinking of wearing when bush walking, back to KMart and then headed back to home base.

Had a home cooked meal of steak, potato, pumpkin and carrots - V said there should be some green and not two orange vegetables but whatever, and then watched Walk The Line on DVD - V liked it, although it is a yee ha country story. Although I had caught a cold that morning, and the combination of watching a movie until midnight, some medication and a nice hot bath, I couldn't get to sleep until 1.30.

And we had to be up at 7 to drop a couple of V's friends at the airport. 10 o'clock flight, but they wanted to be there before 9, so we left Mt Thomas just a tad after 8 - for a holiday a 7 ayem start is too early.

But from the airport we went to Evandale, an historic town, which wasn't as pretty as I had hoped and we got stung big time for morning tea - 2 sausage rolls, 2 party pies, 2 drinks for $16. The bakery if anyone wants to know, and they weren't big sausage rolls either, or very nice tasting - V said they were the worst she had tasted in ages. So the rest of the time in town we didn't even ask or look at prices and didn't buy anything for fear of being stung cost wise again. And apparently at the bakery there is a difference in cost between eat in and takeaway, so for some manky salad, a smattering of sauce, cutlery and a napkin we paid an extra dollar each or something - not quite sure because it was V who had the price menu.

Went out to Clarendon House in the countryside, an example of an early 19th Century estate home - no pictures allowed inside, but should have, there was only one disinterested volunteer glooming around - she did look like she would give a good telling off, but there was only one of her across three floors and about twenty rooms - you'd have to be unlucky to a) get caught and b) have the woman interested enough to confiscate the camera - all this in hindsight of course - no photography allowed signs scare me sufficiently for about half an hour or so.

Then out to Longford, another historical town - had a good pork roast pub lunch at the Queens Arms Hotel, and won $40 on the pub gaming machines, after putting in $5, it was up to $49.80 but didn't quite break the $50 barrier. Wandered around Launnie for an hour or so, headed back home, started watching Sweet Home Alabama, but between the cold and last night of the holiday emotion it didn't get finished.

Had a lovely ploughman's lunch at the local deli - four types of cheese, chutney, pickled onion and wonderful butter and bread - and picked up some Tassie sausages, before going home, watching some cricket (don't ask) and then heading out the airport...

Xmas Hols Nine

2007-01-13T14:55:00.000+10:00

New Year's Eve, it was going to be a quiet one, we got up and out for lunch at about 12.30 - half distracted by Cleopatra on the TV, went to the local bakery, picked up a pie and sausage roll and then down by the river to eat it. Chased by the obligatory ducks for a bit, and a bit of chasing ducks back.

Then kind of found ourselves at a loose end wondering where to go that we hadn't been before - there isn't much locally that hasn't been done the last four trips and this one. After a bit of umming and ahhing, it was off to Lake Barrington, where they have a rowing course. Went to the racing course and the boating ramp entrance which were a few kays apart so two rides down into the deep valley where the lake is.

Dark dark water, and you could feel the drop in temperature even - was an overcast, cloudy day, which made the atmosphere of the place even better, in a teen slasher flick type way LOL. Was very nice and peaceful and quiet.

Then headed up to Tazmazia, the largest maze in the world apparently - takes a minimum of one hour to get around the place and I was sure we had two hours still left - silly me though, it was only one hour. Didn't get around the whole thing, and got out with three minutes to spare - the woman said she would have shut up shop with us still inside - only because it was New Year's Eve and she obviously had a hot date or something. Every time it was mentioned thereafter, V had to add bitch to any comment she made.

Had tea at the local pub which was barely inhabited - we were the only two in the Dining Room, and there weren't many more in the casual dining area. Fireworks in Launceston, Devonport AND Burnie this year, so maybe the local pubs, of which there are four for a town of less than 2500, lost a bit of custom.

I think V wanted to go out and see some fireworks and last until midnight at least, but I'm not a big New Yearer and went to bed about 10.30 - turned the TV off while V was out in the kitchen and that led to a bit of an argument, but the less said the better.

New Year's Day, yesterday, itself was very quiet. Had bacon and eggs for brunch, stuck around home most of the day, watched bits and pieces of Lawrence of Arabia, headed out to lay flowers on V's parents grave, and headed into her work for watering the plants there - was online for about three quarters of an hour reading NY Times, Washington Post and the Guardian about that Saddam thing. Yes, give me the internet and it's Iraq Iraq Iraq LOL.

Had tea at V's sister's place - more cold meat, more Xmas pudding - the kids all hugged me goodbye because they might not see Uncle Paul again before I fly out Thursday.

Oh, and the PM wants to install 25 nuclear power plants in the country in the next few years, and Channel Nine, or WIN as they call it down here, did a show called Goodbye Warney last night - what on earth would Nine have left if the cricket went?

Xmas Hols Eight

2007-01-12T17:00:00.000+10:00

Was going to be another day of laziness yesterday, but by about 11am we were thinking about heading out - and Devonport was the lucky choice of destination. We headed up, and first port of call was Harvey Normal, to see about getting photos developed - went to the local photo shop earlier in the trip, I am sure their network was on dial up, it was that slow to upload the pics, and then the next day they rang to say they had a network fault and had lost my photo info - lucky I don't delete things until I have them in my hot little hands.

Anyways, Harvey Normal had photos for 29c a go, and the photo assistant said even with 400 pics, it should only still be an hour for developing - and said she would talk to the boss to get a discount, 3c a shot discount, that paid for the CD thing, and got to talking with the assistant quite a bit, she had 1200 pics from her last month long holiday, the place was recovering from the Xmas and Santa photo rush, as was Santa's knee - good to have someone both helpful AND enthusiastic in a chain store - Traci was very helpful, and thinking of writing one of those thank you emails to the company - LOL, that I never get around to either, but will try in this case.

V said she could see me in a photo processing type job.

Then onto K Mart, where I got some nice jeans and cheap cargo pants - because V thinks I will ruin the good jeans I brought down if I go bush walking later in the trip as planned. Then downtown for lunch - I was thinking pub lunch but then I thought cost, and V was feeling like Maccas anyway, so Big Mac and cheeseburger later, did a bit of window shopping.

Then across the river to East Devonport to the best bakery in Tasmania, All Things Nice - we won't talk about the waterfront park I decided to take pics at, apparently it was the wrong one.

On the way home - to home base rather - heard that Saddam Hussein had been executed. My first thought was as if that will solve anything - celebrations in Dearborn Michigan, Shepparton and Auburn in Sydney - the Aussie ones looked a bit put on for the camera, John Howard and Dubya sounding tough and as if another death will lead to victory and makes Iraq a stronger democracy blah blah fair trial like whatever blah blah.

And then second thought is that I hear this type of major news in strange places - the invasion in Saskatoon, the execution in Devonport. Will I hear of the victory or withdrawal of troops in Masterton or Toowoomba or Norwich? And looking at the news this morning, doesn't look like much has changed, 77 dead in Kufa and Baghdad overnight, mainly by car bombings. The civil war has not got much to do with Saddam or Saddam's legacy anymore.

With Pinochet dying the other week, it's not so much having trials against former dictators I'm against as the friggin death penalty. Oh, by the way, when is David Hicks having his trial? And Bush says he needs more time to figure out his Iraq strategy, fuck, isn't almost four years and almost 3000 American soldiers dead enough time, blood and don't mention the treasure, aka cost of it all.

Got home, had a home cooked meal of Atlantic salmon, and finished off watching Top Gun. OMG, up to date with my journal. Lucky I have plenty of reading material with me...

Xmas Hols Seven

2007-01-12T14:34:00.000+10:00

Headed up to Shearwater to drop off the last of V's Christmas gifts, via one of the rustic rural roads around these parts. Very scenic.

Spent the time up at Shearwater basically watching the cricket - let's not talk about that - and saw where we could do the driving around the Tamar Valley, which was one of only two must dos I had on my agenda this trip - two things to do over eleven days, I thought I was holding myself back this time around LOL.

Then back to V's sisters for tea, aka more Xmas leftovers - the niece who headbutted me was saying chonk whenever I spoke to her, so lesson probably not learnt LOL. For the first time all trip OMG I didn't have my camera with me, but would have just been more photos of family members. With the meal, unlike at Xmas, all the salads and bread were on the table so for the first time in a long time I had a real 'big family aka Waltons' moment of passing everything up and down the table - didn't help the narrowness of the room, where I was sitting cut the table in two, people would not be able to get around me to the other side of the table.

Got home, watched Criminal Intent and went to bed.

Next day was a lazy start and then a drive up to Exeter through more rural back roads - less scenic than to Shearwater but still OK. Had a sausage roll at the Exeter bakery and a quick look through the information bureau before heading up to Beaconsfield. Yes, THAT Beaconsfield. The on the nation's media 24/7 for however many weeks Beaconsfield was top of the pops.

The gold mine museum was better than I expected, well worth the price of admission ($9), and also had a look over the actual mine shaft itself - supposedly it will be reopened shortly, which will be nice. The museum has been very busy since that whole episode though - was a good T shirt that I was considering buying, listing great cities of the world, London, Paris, Rome, New York, and Beaconsfield.

Then went up to Beauty Point, where there is a Platypus World and Seahorse Farm. There were platypus being fed and swiming around and that you could take photos of, as well as some echidnas wadding around, aww they are cute LOL. The seahorse thing wasn't quite as good because it was just a farm basically - although the seahorses were cute, it lacked a bit of oomph due to not being allowed to take photos.

Then had fish and chips at Beauty Point - the fish and chips store was a general food store and DVD rental place as well. With the backyard, or front yard, cricket happening in the residence next door, and the Bubble O Bill ice cream for dessert, it was like I had been transported back to Waihi or Mahia in the mid 80s. Seemed to be a few vintage cars from the 50s to 70s as well - very restful to spend time there. With the head of the Tamar River next door it did seem to have a beach resort feel to it, nice sunny day, a bit windy but.

Then drove back past Beaconsfield to go across to the east side of the Tamar over Batman Bridge - named after the person who left Launceston to found Melbourne in 1835, not any Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson connotations. Drove back home and had a quiet night in, just finished watching The Break Up.

Yesterday it was visit former workmate day - now a NSWelshwoman, who was donw for New Year - met the mother and sister while shopping Boxing Day and I already apparently got their approval before V's friend got into the state. Thumbs up as the text to V came back. And also the friend had a baby back in July so it was fuss over baby time for umm hours - I got about ten minutes kid on my knee time, but did the usual staying quiet and absorbing the conversation thing that I usually do when around new people and it seemed to impress well enough - I got a hug on departure. And the kid threw up on her aunt just as we left.

Headed to Grindelwald for lunch, a fake Swiss village about 12 kays from Launnie, basically doing the touristy thing around a mini putt and real golf course. Had potato strudel and German cheesecake for lunch, and wandered around a bit. Did the back road way back, and had pizza for dins - tried watching Top Gun but fell asleep even before Goose died...

Xmas Hols Six

2007-01-12T12:50:00.000+10:00

Headed to the Fifties Diner for lunch - every other trip to Tas for some reason when we have through of going it has been closed. Glad we decided to visit this time because it is a good set up - lots of old gass station stuff, the usual American bumper plates, the diner booths and the milkshakes and burgers - decided to be a glutton and go the Super burger - beef, lettuce, tomato, cheese, egg, beetroot and sauce I think it was - had to cut it in two to get a handle on getting it in two hands without major spillage - even then it was sometimes a battle to keep it under control.

Only twice the price of a Big Mac or Whopper and probably about five times the actual food - hmm, that was supposed to sound better than it came out, like five times the calories LOL.

Xmas Hols Five

2007-01-12T12:34:00.000+10:00

Found V again after five mins, but it was a long and quite stressful five mins - followed her around through Katies and Rockmans and Harris Scarfe, before being the packhorse back to the carpark, KFC for lunch and then off to more women's stores before I had a turn in Colorado and Roger David - bought two T-shirts in Colorado, $20 each, and there was a nice suede jacket in Roger David, $80 down from $200. fawn colour, but I got the frown from the company I was keeping, and well, let's just say that by the time I actually wear the thing my taste will have changed.

I'm sure I change tastes once every three months or so.

Then back through Best & Less and Target, where I got dropped off at the TV section to watch the Boxing Day test - and the less we speak of that disaster the better - and then waited about half an hour for the other shoppers to come out of Target.

Then drove off to K-Mart, where I should have gone and seen the monkeys. V said that I was moping around behind her at K-Mart all through, I was just tired of shopping by that stage and she wasn't being clear about what she wanted and needed until after she and I got out of the shop and then didn't talk to each other for about ten minutes, both eating our own supply of lollies. Sorted it out as per usual, but I stayed in the car at Spotlight.

Got home, had a lazy night in, watched half of The Break Up before someone kept falling asleep. Yesterday, 27 Dec, was supposed to be a lazy day and had a good sleep in, but after about half an hour luxuriating around, someone was asking me to plan the day.

It was supposed to be a solely Mt Thomas day, down by the riverside and have some lunch and do some cemetery photography. We went out to the cemetery first and got a burst of local history and some good photos down there - then heard back from one of V's friends we had the last Xmas pressie delivery for, so teed that up for the afternoon and headed to lunch.

Xmas Hols Four

2007-01-08T22:32:00.000+10:00

Many Xmas cheer was had, and then after those mad ten minutes, it was like the aftermath to a battlefield, eerie silence and all the casualties of war, in this case, shreds of wrapping paper, scattered across the floor.

V and I left for a bit, to firstly collect flowers for the cemetery, to drop the nephew back home, to head out to the cemetery to place the flowers on various graves - primarily V's Mum and Dad - and then head back to home base for about 45 minutes of blobbing. Oh, and getting potato salad, and whipping the cream for dessert.

Then onto round 2, aka Xmas dinner at the same place with different cast - oh, I got Xmas presents from the family, choccies, Milk Tray from one of V's sisters and brother in law, and a $20 book voucher, that will work on the mainland from 4 of the kids that call V an aunt, whatever you call a collection of both nieces and nephews.

More food, this time cold meat, salads and similar desserts to what we had at lunch. One of V's nieces gave me a headbutt, doing some silly thing of you give me more money than I give you, which escalated to plain extortion in exchange for a Glasgow kiss. It didn't really hurt, it more surprised me than anything, and I don't think she actually meant to connect - remember, this is an eight year old girl who likes me heaps - most of V's family seem to think much good about me.

When I got the headbutt, V was in hysterics for about five minutes straight. She couldn't shut up, and this after she had said I didn't seem to be in any hurry to protect her from flying babies or anything. Hmmph.

And also on the evening meal section of Xmas, the eldest girl of that family, eleven years old, seemed to follow me around a bit. I could understand where she was coming from in her socialising, being the eldest myself, trying to slot herself into the adult conversations, trying not to get too involved with the kids play - with her, I was trying to treat her as an adult, and not avoiding as I was mainly doing with the other kids.

Was talking to V about it later, how the kids seem to adore me, and the adults give me how best to describe it, due consideration - they seem to think I am a good guy or something. V said I totally undersell myself, and that it is totally understandable how I am treated down here - hmm, whatever, my fave saying of the trip so far LOL.

After dinner we waddled into the car and went around town to take photos of the Xmas lights out - there have been some good ones around town. Though there doesn't seem to be any official council sponsorship for it or anything - if you listen to the locals I have been around, the council does sweet FA altogether.

Then slept, setting the larm bright and early for the Launceston expedition for Boxing Day Sales 2006.

So was up at quarter to 8, earlier than the alarms had been set (8am), and then out and about to pick up the others at ten to nine. Had been offered by the girls at Pick Up Point One to play PS2 all day with them, and had seriously been considering it, and only made up my mind at the last minute to go into Launnie, I could play Playstation later i n the holiday.

Of course, a smaller car with five people in it, was squashed during the travel, though V and I were fine in the front LOL.

Got into town at 10, and rushed up to Myer to see one of V's workmate friends, to get the opinion on a half price nativity scene, and to figure out whether the blonde girl who had thake Mary and Baby Jesus off the thing would get away with it. Waited ten mins while the blonde was in the queue to pay before she was told she had to take the whole set, not just the best bits - and then it turned out that they would shop around for nativity scenes anyways.

Quickly looked through Myer menswear section, without buying anything, and then got lost in the cards and wrapping section - V had asked whether I was stressed at all on Xmas Day, but geteting lost for five mins in Myer on Boxing Day was the first stress moment there - I had a thing with crowds yesterday.

Xmas Hols Three

2007-01-08T22:15:00.000+10:00

Screaming kid the aisle next to me, and next to me were a couple that stuck their head out the window as much as they could, and even though I'm not a Taswegian, the way they were saying there's no lights, lots of trees - they just came across as mainlander red necks on their first plane trip ever, let alone Tasmania.

Got in about five minutes earlier than scheduled, but the luggage took an extra fifteen than usual to come out. Felt like KFC for dinner, but got talked out of it because town (Launceston) would be so busy, on the turnoff to Mt Thomas the road to Launnie was clear as anything - I had been talked into going to the 24 hr pie place - the pepper steak was very nice, and went within three minutes of getting back into the car. Also bought a burger, but left that until we got home.

Drove around town, looking at the Xmas lights, while my camera was in the boot, before getting to home base. Stashed the pressies under the tree - apparently has never been up in that house before, too crowded in the past when the parents were around, and then not much holiday spirit since or something - living by oneself I mean, not because of any particular meaness or anything.

Looked up at the clock and it was 11.45 already - damned different time zones in the same country. Went to bed to await Xmas Day.

Woke up at 6 and went back to sleep, then woke up at 8 proper. Opened pressies, V felt very spoiled, and I did quite well - an MP3 player with FM radio, T shirt, shorts, deoderant and aftershave. Was a good Xmas morning under the Xmas tree, and had ham on toast, rang Mum and Dad to say Merry Xmas and started on potato salad - well we started the potato salad - and went to pick up the nephew.

Whose mother goes to work at her bottle store job on Xmas Day and doesn't wake up to open presents with the son at all. Very hmm and all. So in years past the mother has just dropped her son at V's to figure out Xmas Day with. The nephew got a digital camera for his main present, and he and I bonded while taking many a picture, while V was trying to organise us LOL.

Went around to Mt Thomas Xmas Central, at least for 2006, with 7 kids and various adults, the 7 kids including 2 toddlers, and at various times they were all screaming. Had a sit down meal, Xmas crackers and all, with five types of meat, turkey, chicken, lamb, pork and err another chicken, stuffing and veges all over the place - and then dessert - the best plum pudding in Tasmania apparently, along with custard and cream and ice cream and trifle which was YUM.

Then the chaos of the family gift giving, all the wrapping paper going flying in that mad ten minutes - the shy toddler at the start of the time, jumping into my arms after about half an hour and then shoving her baby doll in my face - 'show me, show me' she said afterwards to take photos.

Xmas Hols Two

2007-01-08T22:11:00.000+10:00

Well, kept well enough immersed in my Economist on the flight down, avoiding the other people as much as possible - there was someone who had a seizure or black out and all the cabin crew congregated around him or her, put their trolleys away and even got the oxygen out - wasn't used though, and we didn't have to divert or get delayed or anything.

Also had the family in front of me asking every twenty minutes which part of the country we were over at the time, when 90% of the flight was cloud cover - the cabin crew were guesstimating as best they could. Twenty minutes later were were over the Victorian border or over King Island etc.

Xmas Hols One

2007-01-08T20:09:00.000+10:00

Off to Tassie again, on a packed Xmas Ever flight, kids all around. Ah well, at least I was able to find the festive Economist on the umm fourth attempt at the airport newsagent.

Quiet day thus far, most exciting thing being the packing and pressie wrapping. At almost the last minute remembered to do the internet banking - oh damn, I forgot to get the grandparents' number for the hoped for phone call tomorrow.

And why can't people follow instructions, if you are seated towards the back of the plane, and there's a rear entry to the plane, and the instructions say to go to the back - never mind the thing that Jetbus is doing the normal airline thing of allocating seats - why oh why do there continue to be bogan morons coming through from the front by the dozens? Really annoying - as well as the babies and toddlers - who seem to always be fascinated by my glasses or something. I can fake smiling at the kids well enough, though.

Three Good Days

2006-12-23T23:09:00.000+10:00

I've actually had three pretty good days the last three - ever since I had most of Wednesday off ill in fact. Thursday I was so-so at work, but instead of bailing again, I had a goal to stay there all day, even if it meant taking all the crappy email work. I wanted to go and see the council fireworks and Christmas thing on South Bank.

Which I made, though if I remember the work day correctly, it was a struggle. Well worth it though, wandering down to South Bank through town after work, seeing the crowd but mostly the crowds in a positive mood through Queen Street, and the Christmas tree and angels and reindeers and Santa glass statuettes, all very pretty.

Then across to South Bank proper, and woohoo a ferris wheel was right there almost at the front gates. As well as a big big screen in front of a large grassed area, where families could watch free movies, with the food choices up there - mmm, smell of hot dogs and chips yum.

There were groups of 'elves' all over the place, guiding people around, and telling the kids whether they had been naughty or nice and whereabouts on Santa's list they were. Santa was on a Holden ute, being drawn by six white boomers (aka kangaroos in real language), although it looked like one of the kangas was doing the driving of the ute. A tree surrounded by Christmas lighting, that didn't really come into its own until dark - all very festive, and I was wandering around with that silly half grin of mine, the one I get for no particular reason.

Oh, okay, so I may have been experiencing general happiness, whatever LOL.

Had a quick look at the carollers - umm, or however you spell those people that sing Xmas carols - wasn't exciting enough for me to stick around, and then wandered up to light a candle and make a wish, donations to the hospital. Felt sorry for them a bit, not the greatest turn out, and the wind was creating havoc on the floating candles that they were trying to put on the ornamental pond.

Wandered along the riverfront, speakers had been put up to blast out, err play Christmas songs, Thursday I think they had the Destiny's Child Xmas CD on repeat or something, and got back to the ferris wheel. I can't remember the last time I was on one of those - perhaps Dreamworld a few years ago or something, and it was fun being on it - yes, another one of those silly stupid grin moments.

Fireworks were well worth going out for, and found that my camera has a good fireworks show setting. Wandered around South Bank a bit more, before going back to the city and seeing the decorations at night, which was nice. Got home after everyone else had gone to bed, which is pretty rare for me on a weeknight - well, a non Friday weeknight.

Yesterday at work was the first time since my last hospital excursion I actually felt more than 60% okay - at points there, I am sure I was working on full barrels, which felt good. Whether it was a last day of the year reaction or not, I'm not sure, but it can give hope for next year for me, that I won't be out on my back at only fifty fifty health. Fingers crossed.

There were drinks after work, and I was tempted to go, but then had the thought I see them around for forty hours a week anyways, and I need to take a break from it all. And that first beer could turn into an all nighter, and I had been out the night before anyways. Two whole weeks off yahoo.

And then the third good day, today, mainly due to the fact that I took my parents out for tea, I got them out of the house on steak eggs and chips night, as Saturday meals have been the last however many years. Mum had been keen on seeing the fireworks and stuff, but with me also wanting to go, she said earlier in the week that if I wanted to see them, to see them myself because who knows whether the family would get out to them. My parents, seriously I am sure have only been out half a dozen times, if that, all year, and if you took out the work related outings, would have gone out two, maybe three times before tonight.

So to sweeten the deal, I offered to pay for dinner, as a Christmas present thing. I managed to get them out, surprisingly enough, although my sister didn't come, she has a thing with crowds at the moment. This is the sister who is moving to Melbourne, but at the moment it is all sympathy towards her crowd issues.

We managed to get a table at Decks, which is a seafood and steak place - with no booking, I think we got about the final table at that time of night, 6.30pm, which was good, because I didn't really want to head off to the pub, or Subway or general take outs. It had looked nice as I had walked past it on Thursday night, and I thought of making a booking, but wasn't sure what time we would be in there.

The girl apologised that it was an inside table, but the place is light and airy anyways, lots of people to watch, great service, wonderful food - it was telling when the garlic bread starter came out, made up almost as a mini pizza, was delicious - when the starter exceeds expectations, well, it's a good sign.

The service was friendly, prompt and with a smile, and the clincher, at least for me, was the music. Dido with 'Here With Me', Robert Miles with 'Children', that catchy lyric 'Another Point of View' via google have found is done by DB Boulevard, along with others that I can't quite bring to mind at the moment, all very chill out, all very excellent. Yes, definitely the music was the clincher in my point of view - food was fab, service - but I have already gushed about all that. Was thinking about it as a work excursion destination, but then thought that you would get all the price conscious biddies complaining.

Said to Mum that my food was presented well enough to take a photo of, she said she wasn't impressed and that if I did take a photo, well I can't remember the exact words, but it wasn't going to be nice. Paid the bill in full, made sure I gave a good tip - I don't usually tip because it isn't the culture over here, but was well enough impressed to this time around.

Am so glad we got in early and weren't turned away due to not booking.

Watched the fireworks, Mum really enjoyed them, I think Dad did as well, but he is less vocal in what he thinks. And was good to have a second go at them, on Thursday I was too busy taking pictures to just enjoy them - and there were some good things happening on the barge fireworks wise that I missed not having full vision the other night. Walked across the bridge to town and again Mum was impressed with the glass statuette Santas and reindeers and angels.

Can you tell that I am brimming with, well, I would have to describe it as pride that something I 'organised', for want of a better word, well I gave the encouragement for the night out, came off so well. Lots of brownie points in the bank with the parents I think.

Have had fun the last three days - and off to Tas tomorrow for a week and a half of Christmas and New Yearing down there. I may dash something off blogwise tomorrow morning, but may not as well. Will see how we go - if not, then the next you hear from me may well be 4 Jan. As usual with my out of town expeditions, I intend to keep an actual written physical diary, just in case anything interesting or exciting does happen.

England winning the next two tests perhaps? LOL.

Pauly

Sick Day

2006-12-20T14:59:00.000+10:00

Yep, most of another day off - I went in this morning, but three phone calls in that nauseous feeling of pins and needles on the inside of my skull started in earnest. Tried a few email jobs, but really was kidding myself about how I was going. Better to rest up at home, and try to get better for the days ahead. At least that's the theory.

I'm getting more sleep and I'm taking things easier at work, so I'm not quite sure why the electrical storms in my head keep threatening. Perhaps that thing called breakfast that I still hardly ever have could improve things?

I hate feeling useless at work - but there is the counterargument that I have been pushing myself too hard to recover as well. Was told that the goals I have set myself are quite high, both by the boss and one of my workmates. Will see how things go - friggin three months to see a neurologist, grrr.

One thing with the more sleep I am getting is that I can actually remember my dreams, and boy, they have been doozies the last week.

First one, I have been out partying all night in Brisbane's Queen Street Mall, although most of the night before dawn just passes in a blur. I then head home and only then remember that I am the only one in the house and I had the responsibility for feeding the animals and all. I find the dog outside the house, and the cat inside - I thought I had left her out and worry about her messing the place somewhere, but then see the cat door. I realise I am in my grandparent's place in Upper Hutt - in reality they haven't lived there for hmm five or so years. And finally the two sets of birds I was supposedly looking after have completely run out of water, and their seed is just the shells. Bad Paul, bad...

Second dream, somehow I get onto Air Force One, the US President's very own 747. For some reason he is in Australia, and everyone is rushing around because someone - outer space aliens, for some mad reason I think - is threatening to nuke the planet. However, instead of multiple missiles and explosions, they detonate a massively huge device in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so hot it basically immediately melts the polar ice caps. War and environmentalism, what had I had for dinner that night?

Thirdly, this morning, it starts out with me in one of my high school classrooms, again in Upper Hutt, with the teacher doing some sort of religious education. He takes the bible around the room asking for volunteers to read excerpts and interpret their meaning. Me being me of course, my skin starts crawling at the mere thought of having to read the good book. From my conscious mind, to my dream land comes the thought of Ezekial 25:17, the one quoted from Pulp Fiction, which tells me I wasn't quite as in a deep sleep as I thought or hoped.

Then the dream morphs into me going out with workmates to a pub somewhere in town, which turns out to be the meeting point for the local Contiki trips. Only eleven people going on this one, and they brought in the truck that they would be on - sleeping in it as well, to avoid the crocodiles apparently.

These mental images proudly brought to you by Paul's imagination.

Slightly Better

2006-12-20T07:39:00.000+10:00

Had another so so day at work yesterday - I was going along quite happily, helping customers and all, when this one customer rang in on a transfer through to me, wanted something done that I can't do, but I was more than happy to take the details and put it through to the team which did do it (or attempt to, she was asking something I don't think could be done). Then the whole tone of her conversation changed - it was, I KNOW you can do what I want over the phone, I WON'T get off the phone until what I want has been done. And also, that old favourite of I've been on the phone for twenty five minutes and why did you take the transfer when you couldn't help me?

Umm, maybe because I need a full picture of what you want, I can't just magically do anything just by some company details.

Anyways, when the attack dog persona came out, the bottom of my stomach fell out, my breathing quickened up, my focus was on the phone and computer screen, can be classed as tunnel vision perhaps. After I had successfully gotten rid of her - umm, warm transferred to the appropriate section - I went to the boss and said I couldn't handle any more customers on the phone for the day. Yay for email work.

But it was slightly better than the day before - by the time I got on the bus home, I was happy enough when listening to my music again. On Monday I was just flat for most of the night. And is it only Wednesday? Surely it must be Friday by now?

Paul

Bad Day

2006-12-19T07:36:00.000+10:00

I had a really bad day at work yesterday - apart from the English losing the cricket of course. But yesterday was the first day since my last 'fainting spell' that I had annoyed customers on phone calls. I'm not sure whether my coping mechanisms are up to snuff yet.

Had three bad calls in a row, asked the acting boss for some time out of phone calls, which she gave. Then a couple hours later she came over and asked me to go back on the phones, because they were busy or something - of course, me being Mr 'Never Say No' in the workplace, jumped back in. And then about six minutes to go until home time and I get another bad call. I put the guy on hold and hit my head against the monitor a couple times.

Just feeling totally drained as I caught the train home, and hardly spoke at all last night to anyone. And have to put the mental armour all back on again today. And I hate appearing to be slacking off at work, wondering whether my illness is all in my head, because no one else can get in there and have a look.

Eh, back to it I guess.

Paul

English Batting Collapses

2006-12-18T19:30:00.000+10:00

As regular as clockwork unfortunately, and there go the Ashes. Hmmph.

And it got me to thinking, as all these Australians with smiles on their faces wandered around the place, why do I support the English in the cricket? Was asked that the other day, in a genuinely quizzical and curious manner. After all, I am living in Australia, and it's not as if they were playing New Zealand- who, coincidentally, also got done today, by the Sri Lankans at the Basin in Wellington.

Perhaps it is the fact that the Australian cricket team seem to be basically perfect at the moment, and the fact that as a Kiwi, I have seen too many humiliating losses to the Aussies, especially in the cricket, to really want to go for them. Wow, that was a long, convoluted sentence just gone there.

I don't mind some of the Australian cricketers, Gilchrist and Lee come to mind specifically, as also I have never liked Warne or Ponting, but as a team they are just so devastating, that of course I like to see them knocked off their perch, be it by us, the Poms or anyone else.

I don't actually mind Australia in most other sports, apart from rugby and swimming. Of course, it annoys the heck out of me that the Wallabies have got two World Cups, and the All Blacks always seem to peak in non World Cup years, but as long as it isn't a World Cup final, I can quite happily support the Australians - again, I can't stand George Gregan as an individual.

In the swimming of course Australia is all over the record books and medal tallies - when the rest of the world goes for personal bests, Australians seem to be disappointed if they don't get a world record. And don't get me started on the Give Australia As Many Medals As Possible Games, aka the Commonwealths.

Was thinking, and there is one sport I do always support Australia in, unless playing New Zealand - the netball. Partly because only six nations seem to play it, also because the trans Tasman games are the best out. Also perhaps rugby sevens, because it is so wham bam wow over in fifteen minutes, straight onto the next game.

Of course, 'bigging up' the English cricketers made me think what am I doing in Australia. I think I contribute to the country, even though I'm not a citizen - I work, and pay taxes, and add to that all important GDP - but the other thinking is that I'm here taking an Australian job blah blah blah, and if I don't support the country in sport what am I doing here. Then again, I thought we had freedom of speech and democracy in this country - apart from the Ashes perhaps.

And then thinking about what annoys me so much about most Australian sports teams - it's the arrogance I think, the we know we are going to win even before the coin is tossed. Of course, what I see as arrogance can be seen by Australians as self confidence - and suddenly there is the answer, because my own self confidence yo-yos so much, I can't understand people, sports teams, a country with that sunny disposition.

Thinking specifically Oz and NZ, over this side of the Tasman the national day is celebrated as the perfect landing in 1788 in an empty country (or terra nullus, I think the Latin has it). Whereas Waitangi Day back home is more a day for discussion, or sometimes argument, because there was a treaty signed with the native population there, and there have been mistranslations ever since. Have always thought Anzac Day should be the national day in New Zealand, rather than February 6.

Then the thought comes, well if I'm not happy with Australia, why don't I go back home. Let me tell you, the thought crosses my mind more than occasionally. Of course, in Wellington, my home town, I have two couples who are close friends, and apart from the job, the accommodation and the rest, it would be perfect. Of course, most of my friends are scattered to the four winds.

And my family being in Brisbane is how I somewhat accidentally ended up here. The Accidental Alien perhaps, somehow escaped being shipped to Woomera or Nauru.

Sorry, just having one of my cynical moods here. Today at work didn't help either.

Paul

Anzac Square

2006-12-14T21:48:00.000+10:00

Was wandering around Anzac Square in town the other day, seeing the Eternal Flame honouring the First World War, the horseman honouring the Queenslanders in the Boer War (before Federation, remember), the World War Two memorials with the fuzzy wuzzies of Kokoda and the nurses caring for the wounded, as well as the Korea & Malaya memorial and the Vietnam one.

Was thinking, one day there may well be one about Afghanistan and Iraq.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go forward twenty years and see how history will judge this war on terror. Oh, and also get the teams who will win the World Series for the next few years and bet big on them - yes, Back to the Future was on, AGAIN, on the weekend.

Paul

Queensland, Beautiful One Day...

2006-12-09T15:42:00.000+10:00

Perfect the next - just don't get sick up here if you can help it.

I got my two specialist appointments from the seizure, stress attack, whatever it was two and a half weeks ago. The psychologist will take a month and a bit, while the neurologist doesn't have a spare slot until early March, just under three months away. When the secretary or whatever you call them nowadays said the next available appointment is 7 March, I was a bit in shock, and said I would think about it.

Of course, I got back to them a couple hours later and said yeah, book me in for then. I thought briefly of talking to my GP to get another referral to a specialist who may be less busy, but then considered the fact that this was the second neurologist I had been referred to, the first one who advised they weren't taking on any new patients at this time, and my mother said a three month wait wasn't TOO bad, so rather than be picky and ask for a third referral, I will just shut up, grin, bear it, and hope I don't flake out the next three months.

Or maybe that would be a good idea, get the thing fast tracked more. One of the funny in a worrying sense way things that has happened the last couple weeks, is that when I am out and about in crowds, shopping centres and the such, I am feeling nauseous, dizzy and all that. A bit of a worry, but this whole stress and seizure thing is such a chicken and egg story, which started first, because both are making the other worse, vicious circle - and no, this isn't my normal over analysing at all.

I was having my hair cut in the Myer Centre today, and my concentration, my sense of well being, just completely went out the window. Nausea threatening to overwhelm me - the hubbub of the crowds outside, the feeling my head was too heavy to hold up, perhaps wanting to close my eyes and fall asleep - and no, I wasn't tired when I went out to town at all. Just a sense of being overwhelmed - worrying.

More later
Paul

Iraq Study Group, and australia

2006-12-07T19:31:00.000+10:00

The Foreign Minister, Alexander Downer, is on the TV behind me giving his ideas on the Iraq Survey Group report that was released in Washington overnight, Australian time. Was hoping to grab a transcript from the 7.30 Report website, but obviously I was expecting it too quickly - oh, that's right, they would probably wait until it had screened in WA to put it up online.

Anyways, the gist of what Downer is saying is that it is okay for the Americans to have their own debate, but he won't say whether it will impact on any Australian decision - oh, and that hundreds of thousands of Iraqis died under Saddam, and although lots have died since the war (better wording would be since the invasion) it's mainly Iraqis killing Iraqis, and that any significant coalition involvement should be training instead of combat.

What a muppet, and how does the guy have any credibility left after his apparent glaring incompetence during the AWB thing. How many cables were sent to his office, only to remain unread? Or so the terms of reference Commissioner Cole got would have you believe.

And just when you think Aussie politics was about as bad as it gets, she's baaack - Pauline Hanson is sounding the media out about resurrecting her political career. Instead of the Asians and Aborigines this time around, she is warning that there are too many Muslims and disease ridden Africans allowed into the country. If I roll my eyes as much as I want to about the fact this woman, with those complaints, with some public backing, has a political career in this country, I would go blind because my optical nerve would snap.

Muppets, the lot of them.

Paul

People's Day

2006-12-03T16:04:00.000+10:00

I was going to do my Christmas shopping yesterday, at the local shopping centre, but was umming and ahhing on the bus, and decided to head into town instead. I wanted to see the new Gallery of Modern Art, or GoMA as it has also been named, which had been opened the night before. Was expecting to only be there a couple of hours, a taster as it were, and then head into town to do other stuff.

I didn't manage to get across the river into the city proper until after 4pm - it was People's Day at the Cultural Centre, after the VIP opening of GoMA the night before. I wasn't there when Beattie opened it, but from the coverage last night, he basically said 'it's your's, get to it' or something akin to that, in a grumpy tone - I guess if you open everything every second day, you get sick of doing it all the time.

Wandered in to the museum, asked if I could take photos, the girl said yes, but no flash photography please, and thanked me for asking. I caught up with the Premier's media entourage in front of two giant statues of Chairman Mao (kind of appropriate with Queensland being a one party state), and I got asked by the Sunday Mail girl what I thought of the place, with my photo taken even - it didn't make the article in the paper though. Wasn't expecting it to though - I got some unspoken coverage of me on National Nine News though. Should I be vain and ask the station for the coverage perhaps?

Was very impressed with the gallery though - nice and light and airy, compared to the older part of the Cultural Centre, which seems very concretey, very confined, very, if I dare say it, ugly. And, as one of the artists said on the news last night, is good that they have built a world class thing in Brisbane that is NOT a sports ground, is quite surprising in fact.

The gallery building itself is great, and the exhibits are not what you would expect in the stereotypical cultural backwater. As I think I said earlier in the year, the museum seems to have gone a bit downhill, but the art galleries, both GoMA and the more general, pre-1970 Queensland Art Gallery are for Queenslanders to be proud of.

Was pottering around quite happily in the galleries, and then, as part of People's Day, the state government pulled out a lot of stops. There were tents all over the cultural district, with free water, free sunscreen, free guides, and I think free hats as well, although I didn't pick up one of those. Was a very good idea, and whoever organised it should be congratulated.

Also had the usual food tents, at all the fair type things - I had the German sausage option, frankfurter and kransky - sounds like a detective series on SBS or something - but could also have had Hungarian, French, Dutch, Thai or Aussie type food. And is nice to be able to wander around that part of South Bank, it seems like it has had buildings and or renovations on it since I got back to Oz in 2004.

And the street performers they had hired were fab. The group playing Indonesian or Balinese instruments were good, although when I spoke to one of them afterwards, she said the instruments were totally out of tune - sounded good enough to us plebs I said. Then did my good deed for the day, by getting the woman a coffee while she watched over the equipment.

The acrobats were amazing, whether they were German or just with German accents, the strength was awesome. One of the tricks was the guy holding the girl by the hands and she was doing a hand stand on him, he was on his back, and bit by bit he got up standing without dropping her. The abs on the girl were something awesome as well. Hans and Ule I think they were calling themselves.

They had a 'green bus' around the place as well, which relied on feet power. Very Flintstones and Bedrock vibe, and the performers on that had to work hard to get the public in the thing - no, they didn't get me.

Best street performance I felt though was a bit of aerial ballet, with these dancers on bendy plastic poles about fifteen feet in the air, basically yes doing ballet. Although there was a bit of dance music as well - all very entertaining, and had a great time. We won't mention the fact I was doing it all by myself. Had a bit of a look in the reconfigured 'old' art gallery as well.

Will be down at GoMA again over the next couple of months - it was all a bit much to take in during one visit, and the main Asia Pacific exhibition is only around until early February. And then there is a Warhol one coming along. Yes, to Brisbane, can you believe it?

Today has been watching the cricket and Christmas shopping at Chermside. Christmas shopping for hopefully only the first and only weekend this year - was feeling a bit nauseous in the crowds and all. Not good, but I managed to make it through.

Paul

The King Is Ill

2006-12-03T08:33:00.000+10:00

Just when I am going through my latest issues with seizures and stuff, news comes through that one of the most famous Queensland sporting persons, Wally Lewis, or King Wally as the parochial league fans have it, also has epilepsy. In his current role of sports newsreader, while reading the teleprompter, he froze on screen and couldn't talk, before it cut away to the actual report, and the regular newsreader followed up with the rest of the sports news after it cut back to the studio.

Have only seen the actual TV footage of him freezing once, not sure whether I want to rewatch it again or not (the wonders of video on the internet), but my heart went out to him when I saw it. That Wednesday a couple of weeks ago, I only froze while on the phone with one customer, in front of my workmates. Wally froze with a large number of people watching their televisions (not sure what Nine's news ratings in Brisbane are, but I know they aren't what they used to be).

I could totally understand what was going through his mind - the attempt at a smile to reassure that things are okay, the look of panic in his eyes at the thought 'not again, not now'. Yep, I could empathise completely, even though I thought he was a bit of a blowhard when he actually played rugby league.

Wally is on three weeks sick leave at the moment, which will link up with his six weeks annual leave - the word from the family is that it was because there was an attempt to change medication or something. It happened a couple of weeks ago as well, blamed at the time on illness and five kilos weight loss (maybe the losing weight thing is true about seizures?), and in 2001 as well, he stumbled over his words and left the studio during the news, which was rumoured to be a stroke.

At least it is making it a more public issue, although some of the coverage is making it sound worse than it is, at least in my mind. Taking a long time to get back to work, making it sound like it just keeps occurring out of the blue, rather than control it through meds - and here I am, trying to do my same job two days after my flake out. Of course, I'm not on television almost every night, but still.

On the personal level, after Wednesday's doctor's appointment, I did make it into the office both on Thursday and Friday, but on Thursday only took one phone call before my head was swimming, and onto the electronic work via email and fax - and the call I took wasn't a bad one either, in the back of my mind I was thinking how effective I would be on a bad call. On Friday I took phone calls until just before lunchtime, and then finished off the day with emails etc.

We will see how the next week goes - three day week, gloriously enough, have scheduled days off on both Thursday and Friday. Still want to do something with the three days I have off that do not have doctor's appointments attached - have been thinking about just hopping on a bus or train to the hinterland somewhere, whether Maryborough or Dalby or Byron Bay, just for a few days out of the big smoke, somewhere different to take photographs, and to take a break.

With my procrastination no doubt nothing will occur, but it is nice to think, to dream.

Paul

Mild, Moderate, High

2006-11-29T14:04:00.000+10:00

Finish the above - mild depression, moderate stress, high anxiety. The two referrals I was wanting when I was thinking about things last night, to both a neurologist and a psychologist. And, the most amazing thing, a doctor that I felt was actually listening to me, rather than the usual let's check your blood pressure and medicate you up that I have felt with the doctors I have dealt with the last couple of years. A keeper perhaps?

So, part B of things looks like it is already mapping itself out, if you consider part A the money thing.

Paul

Medical Advice

2006-11-29T08:23:00.000+10:00

Hmm, I'm not usually woozy this long after a seizure. Usually when I have one, it hits and then goes and nothing else happens for six to twelve months. This one, I had last Wednesday, had my usual dizziness the day afterward, but then Friday and the weekend I was fine.

However, this week I went into work as per normal on Monday - did the not on the phones thing, still a bit nervous about talking to the customers, after freezing on the phone, not able to speak or move at all, before blacking out last Wednesday. However, I felt faint a couple of times before needing to hold onto the photocopier to stay upright, and left the place after about an hour.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I was again on the email work, went into work, nervous as heck about what was happening in my head, but was okay, until about 4pm. Dizzy spell, feeling leaving my legs a lot, and my arms a bit - having to pinch my arms to spark feeling again, and I thought enough is enough, I have to lie down for a bit.

After laying down for a bit in the sick room, off to home - having to concentrate on keeping track of my thoughts, that is one of the worst feelings, having to concentrate to just keep up with normal background transmission. Made it home safely enough, but had a bit of dizziness last night even - or I could just be worrying myself sicker.

Off to the doctor's today - I really wonder whether it is the normal epilepsy thing, the episode last Wednesday was more a black out than a 'normal' seizure - I didn't convulse, I didn't have a headache, I didn't have aching muscles - and am wondering whether the epilepsy is a convenient cover for something else/worse. I would like to see a specialist, maybe a neurologist...

And of course the illness keeping up my stress levels, with a dash of that old familiar, depression in there. One problem, my debt is almost out of the way, but the others are scrabbling for attention before the money issue is completely out of the way. Maybe a psych as well on the shopping list.

Just thinking out loud here, we will see how the appointment goes later this morning.

Paul

What A Week

2006-11-26T08:46:00.000+10:00

Well, after talking about hospital visits with family members back in New Zealand, guess where I ended up on Wednesday. Yes, I flaked out again at work, a la seizure, a la what happened back in February. What made it worse was that I had a customer on the phone at the time, and I was trying to speak, to finish up the conversation, even to hit the mute button, and my brain to mouth communication and brain to hand movement failed completely.

It felt like an age later when I came to with a paramedic over me, quite cute this time around if I do say so myself, but I am told it was only like five to ten minutes or so. Apparently I didn't convulse strongly, if at all, and the only lasting effect this time around is the bite I gave my tongue - four days later and it is still hurting to eat, to drink and even to talk too much. But no headache, and no muscle ache, so that is a positive.

Four hours in hospital later, just under observation I think, with both Mum and Dad coming in to be with me, before the blood work coming back okay, as it always does, and then let out into rush hour traffic to home. A bit of dizziness Wednesday night and Thursday - I took the day off, and surprise surprise the cricket got watched. And that is all we will talk of this first test at least, the English are getting a pasting.

Friday I went into work, but just did email work, what with the tongue and all, still was feeling like I was talking through cotton wool. Half the reason I went to work on Friday was that it wouldn't look sus when I turned up to the work Christmas party, but really, I shouldn't have bothered.

The party was as dead as the Titanic - two people, including myself, turned up from my team, probably ten or so from the ranks of the permanent staff on my entire floor. Was padded out a bit by the temps who were 'allowed' to turn up after 8pm, but there wasn't a great take up from any of the teams in the entire building. It livened up a bit but I think that was mainly due to the alcohol consumed - I paced myself, after events earlier in the week and all, and basically drank myself sober - somehow it managed to stagger to 11pm and the train home at that time, but I could have taken a pass very easily. Some interesting dynamics in the latest group of temps though...

Yesterday I got myself out of the house, with camera in tow, went to Shorncliffe and Sandgate, then went into town, had a circuit around the Gabba (outside, because it was a sell out), and then went down to Kangaroo Point Cliffs - caught a ferry across the river to town and then caught the train home. Was a good day out - got sunburnt though, so won't be heading out today, more cricket torture watching no doubt.

Paul

Inoperable

2006-11-22T07:43:00.000+10:00

My parents got back from New Zealand yesterday, and the news from my grandfather isn't good. His lung cancer has spread quickly the last six months or so, and is halfway around the pulmonary artery - if it gets around the whole artery, choking it as it were, it would not be good. And because it is so close to pretty major organs, heart lungs etc, it is pretty well inoperable - or, if they were to contemplate an operation, the survival rate from the surgery itself isn't flash hot, and they wouldn't recommend it in this situation.

The specialists in the region get together in Hamilton each Wednesday to discuss the latest cancer cases, and my grandfather's one is up for review today actually. It is all about quality of life and extending life expectancy at the moment, and I'm sure there will be a report from back home either tonight or later in the week.

A bit annoyed with my brother - you don't hear from him in weeks, and then I get home to a message asking me to ring him. When are the parents going to be home, I need my duty free smokes - well, they may be home in about half an hour or so, give a ring then. So he comes around, picks up his smokes, briefly asks about the trip, and leaves, after borrowing some work equipment from Dad.

Examples - Mum said the news from back home isn't good with Grandad, my brother says so he's a goner then, with a smile a slight laugh on his mouth, and about his daughter he asks she's almost two isn't she? She's your daughter mate, if you don't know - and on the grandfather thing, well, we all deal with grief in different ways, but the word 'goner' with a smile just got to me for some reason - and just the feeling that they were secondary questions to the important thing of the duty free.

I think I may head over to see how things are myself maybe Australia Day weekend. Yes, it is two months away, but my grandfather is giving the impression he doesn't want people hanging around anyways. See how things go.

Paul

It's The End Of The World As I Know It

2006-11-19T10:23:00.000+10:00

Or nearing it at least - the end is in sight for my stupid damned debt. Take on a personal loan with credit cards and jump into the unknown of another country for a relationship, I think I have learnt my lesson from that one - of course, the loan was taken about eighteen months or two years before the Canadian experience, but still, it was more lack of job that got me in trouble.

Anyways, with the latest payment, I am at least four pays to go on repaying it all. Considering I am paid fortnightly, and taking into consideration the likelihood of travel to Tasmania and probably New Zealand, even taking that into consideration, I would see myself as debt free by sometime in February. About two years after I started this whole take responsibility and front up kick, and about four years after my give up my job and see where the chips will fall plan. And that worked so well as well - kidding.

So while I was doing the internal happy dance with that realisation, I thought about AFTER repayment. I have been so focussed, with probable obsessive compulsive traits, about this money I have to repay that all of what happens after has been shoved into the little box in my head marked 'Future Thoughts', and been stuffed until it is overflowing - not that I have looked at it in about two years of course.

I thought about flicking the lid to that box this week, just to have a look see what is there, prioritise it and all, just brushed against it even (stay with the metaphors with me please LOL), and it sprung up at me hard. Relationships - pretty obvious really; places to live - when to move out of the family home, whether Brisbane or elsewhere; work - whether to stick it out for a while longer where I am, saving money to make a move somewhere, or whether to take a leap into a more fulfilling job - those were just thee first three issues to jump out at me.

Well, first three issues after the big one of course - the fact that I do not like myself. I wouldn't class it as self hatred at the moment, but just a case of lack of loving or liking myself. And I have to work on that - preferably with professional help perhaps? Maybe it's not as if a shrink can help me like myself or anything, but thinking along those lines more so that I want to give myself the best chance of not screwing up the next relationship I have.

I mean, after I pay the debt off, I could somewhat easily throw myself into a relationship and all that entails, but if I don't do my best to get my head straight, then it will probably be doomed to failure like the last one. I kind of got talked into that one I think, if you know what I mean - I was wanting to be self sufficient coming into the relationship, financially at least, or at least pay more of my own way, but I got talked into bringing my plans forward a year or two.

Long distance relationships suck in so many different ways.

And I want to get my head straight before throwing myself into another situation. Of course, this could just be the procrastinating side of my head working out a new strategy after the 'wait until the money is paid back' defence stops working, but hmm, I would rather have the procrastinating side of me in control rather than the self sabotaging one. Self sabotage because that part of me doesn't feel I should ever be happy, so works to make sure that will never happen.

Hmm, this has been a constant thread of my self analysis ever since I can remember - that my brain is divided into different camps of thought. When I went through my teenage depression, I even thought of my brain as a little parliament or congress, with factions aligning differently every so often to create a 'working majority' in my head. Is that strange to think that way, because I sure as heck think it is.

And I think too much about certain things (the workings of my brain, American politics, Iraq for examples) and don't think much about others (my grandfather's illness). V says I stick my head in the sand, but I just think of different stuff, usually that I can't change myself - therefore self sabotaging my importance in the world? If I think about stuff that I can't change, then I will automatically fail? Or perhaps it is the opposite, and I can't fail with things I can't affect.

Okay, my head is spinning enough with all this inward thought, this is not, repeat not, one of the entertaining entries.

Paul

Heck Of A Job, Rummy

2006-11-11T08:49:00.000+10:00

Once the Dems won the House of Reps, Dubya finally agreed to the resignation of Rumsfeld, which he had offered after Abu Ghraib became public knowledge. A bit of a hint that Rummy's resignation was forced this time around, and Dubya's dad's CIA chief has stepped in as the new Defense Secretary (bloody Americans with their S in defence). No, not 'slam dunk' Medal of Freedom George Tenet either.

Just a week or two ago, Bush had said that Cheney and Rummy would likely be kept until the end of his administration, and the American media, at least the doubting Thomas parts of it, picked up that as probably a bit of a mistruth - they, the media, are being very careful about the word lie, but six of one half a dozen of another basically.

Reminds me of some of the stupid things Bush said after Hurricane Katrina, how he would like to rebuild one of the Republican politicians house so he could sit on the front porch again, when over a thousand were dead, and tens of thousands were refugees - or FEMA boss Michael Brown doing a heck of a job. Which he promptly resigned from about a week later.

And then, joy of joys, the Dems took Montana and Virginia in the Senate, the later by less than 0.3% of the vote (thank you liberal suburbs of DC), but the Republican wouldn't go for a recount to try and find those 7000 votes he needed. Next on the chopping block possibly is UN Ambassador John Bolton, who was only appointed while the Senate was on recess, when the then Republican led Senate wouldn't confirm him anyways.

And Bush did say that Cheney would be sticking around as well - hmm, feeling queasy Dick? Was half watching Robocop (repeat number 513) last night, and the way that OCP controlled Detroit made me think of Halliburton and Iraq.

And of course, thinking about these huge international stories just means I avoid the more immediate issues around me - ah procrastination, one of my deadly sins. Was thinking about my less than savoury personality traits yesterday, might do a post about them umm one of these days.

Paul

Pause For Breath

2006-11-08T23:57:00.000+10:00

The polls were right - sigh of relief, after about six years of the Dems seeming to do everything to strive to fail, things may have changed. A majority of about thirty in the House of Reps, and too close to call in the Senate, four seats won, Virginia and Montana a wafer thin lead after the votes have been counted. Bring in the lawyers and the recounts and the challenges - if both seats stay in the Dem column, by 7800 and 1500 votes respectively, both chambers of Congress will have changed. Who would have thought it, even two months ago?

Of course, despite the international news being swamped by the US news, the rest of the world does go on - bombs and mass casualties in Sri Lanka, Pakistan and Gaza, Britney Spears is getting a divorce from K-Fed.

Paul

Great Picture

2006-11-07T23:05:00.000+10:00

Looking very West Wing or A Few Good Men - pan across to the Iwo Jima statue, drums and trumpets swelling in the background. For a country that you can be so cynical about their politics, they do do their national monuments very well.

Paul

Melbourne Cup Day

2006-11-07T22:06:00.000+10:00

Mmm, the race that stops a nation, like, whatever. While a lot of the others at work were getting all a-flutter about the race and their sweep picks, I put the obligatory two dollars in for the one sweep entry, and was dealing with annoying customers and frustrating orders. No doubt with the Japanese winner and second place getter this year, there will be rules against unAustralianess at the Cup next year. Maybe the foreign horses will be sent to Nauru or something.

Anyways, frustrating day at work, hoopla about a horse race - but it is also the US midterms, woohoo. Tell you what, about eighty percent of my news reading the last couple of months has been about the elections - with the other twenty percent probably being Iraq. How on earth did I get so interested in such a dry topic? Some people can get excited about what is happening on Grey's Anatomy this week, whereas my interest is what is happening in the Senate races in Tennessee and Virginia.

I can understand my interest in general American history, and the Presidents and such, but Congress, I can't remember when I got interested in that. Maybe 1994, with the Republican takeover? And how did I grow up Tory back home in NZ but have become more progressive and liberal with my international political leanings?

If I could go back in time and shake myself out of my boring political leanings, I would. There was an interesting doco on TV before about Tiananmen Square in 1989 - how different it all looks with hindsight, communism in Europe fallen and socialism in Asia by lip service only. June 1989, it seems several lifetimes ago...

But on the US elections, we will see how things go early evening tomorrow. If the Yanks vote for the Republicans to keep their majorities again, things are seriously screwed up.

Paul

Over Sold

2006-11-07T20:48:00.000+10:00

I bought a shirt the other day - I wasn't going to, but I had a voucher that was going to expire in two weeks, and I had to get something nice for this 21st I am going to next weekend. So I'm in this particular store, I see three shirts that I like, well, quickly whittled down to two, and that one was too light anyways, but I need to try the shirt I liked in medium.

The guy brought me some sandals to try on, to have a look at, this new season's stuff is nice and comfy - yes, it is, and yes, the sandals that I am wearing are crap, but that is the whole point, I don't think I will ever get fancy sandals, but I just came in to get a shirt, I don't want and more importantly do not have the money for $90 sandals.

Oh, but we are doing a deal in watches at the moment, half price for these ones, what a nice season's range we have - no, I am fine - oh, but you are buying a 21st present, maybe the person would like a nice watch. Umm, no, it's a workmate, not only is a watch too personal a choice for that sort of relationship, but I have a set budget in my head for what she is getting, and a watch, half price or not, doesn't come into it.

No, I didn't say that stuff to the guy, but I thought it - I hate oversellers, and I hate it when people at work say I am in sales, no sorry mate, customer service is my primary concern, sales is for those people who have the confidence to sell, I might have it, the confidence, but I don't really care one way or the other.

Anyways, I ran away from the store with only the one shirt that I was meaning to buy in the first place, and may not be back for a while. It was kinda lucky that the guy didn't hit my secondary weak point with clothes shopping, ties.

Pauly

Rain On The Roof

2006-11-04T11:32:00.000+10:00

Greetings from Drought Central, also known as Australia, and specifically the south east Queensland portion thereof. Woke up to a sound this morning that I hadn't heard since I don't know how long - rain on the roof. Spent an extra half hour in bed, on the cusp of full wakefulness, luxuriating in the sound of raindrops. And not just a faint sprinkle at that, just had a 'moderate' downpour the last half hour as I have been typing, and looking at the rain radar, it is going to be rainy most of the day.

And for the first time in another I don't know when it happened last timeframe, on the weather report last night, it had showers, rain or storms for the entire week ahead - yippee. LOL, just had a thought, all this rain, just in time for the first Ashes cricket test.

Yes, it may have been the farmers and rural Oztraya that got an extra three quarters of a billion dollars in drought relief, but us urbanites are having our portion of the pain as well. Level 4 restrictions came in on 1 November, meaning that we can only water gardens with buckets and to keep pools uncovered (a consideration in this household) you need to get a seperate water tank off the town system. We got a mini-pool anyways, so a pool cover storage thing will apparently take up too much room.

It just continues to surprise me how, on the dryest continent on the planet, climate change doesn't get a bigger priority in the politics of the place. The Prime Minister has been a sceptic about global warming like forever - good John Clarke skit on the 7.30 Report on Thursday about it, showing that the PM just continually delays even contemplating it or anything - and the Premier of Queensland seems to be relying on prayer to sort this drought out, a state week of prayer announced for next week.

And of course, that was announced about a week after the latest cringeworthy excuses for Queensland not to get daylight savings were aired.

The week, of course, also newsworthy for the British Stern report on climate change, saying if we, as a planet, don't sort out the environmental damage we are doing, within the next ten years, the effects could cost a quarter of global GDP, there could be two hundred million climate refugees, when the parts of the planet they are living on become uninhabitable for humans, and forty percent of animal and plant species will die off in the next, umm, well I can't remember what timeframe that was going to be.

Again, with the dryest continent on the planet thing, you would think the debate would get a bit beyond disagreeing that people who can't live where they used to be call refugees, thank you Ms Vanstone, or the idea that if the entire planet doesn't do something together, then any discussion can wait until then, thank you Mr Howard. And Parliament House is using five percent more energy and twenty percent more water (or is it the other way around) than it was last year - along with Australia being the biggest user of energy in the world, on a per capita basis, that kind of scotches the 'we are doing our bit according to the Kyoto Treaty even though we aren't in it' argument also raised in Canberra this week.

Along with the report that global fish stocks have collapsed in a third of the seas already, and may be completely gone in forty or fifty years, and the documentary out about Peak Oil, doing the nightmare scenario about a world running out of oil, plastics and a lot of transportation. Back to the days of sailing ships and horse and carts perhaps?

One of the other things in that doco, A Crude Awakening, was that to have as much power as we do nowadays, without oil, we would need ten thousand nuclear reactors, and all the uranium would run out in twenty years anyways.

There may be rain on the roof today, but over the horizon we may still be screwed.

Paul

Positive Negative

2006-11-02T20:58:00.000+10:00

The news from back home with my grandfather is one step forward, one step backward. Last Thursday I think was the bad day, when I finally actually heard what the situation was - before that I was more head in sand about it than anything else.

Then on Saturday it was good again, my grandfather was home and on the phone - surprised my mother as she thought he would still be in hospital - and sounding bright, alert and all that. Another downer on Monday, when it was confirmed he has lung cancer.

Biopsy done on Wednesday after the docs got their heads together on Tuesday, and now to wait a couple of weeks before those results come back. Just in time for my parents to be there, hmm - and he is apparently sounding very vague and all, has some dementia as well apparently.

Spoke to the boss, who said if I need to take time off to see him, if it gets to that severity of thing, then to book the flights and take the time off, she has already given verbal approval. My mother has said not to go over in a rush or anything, otherwise it may give the appearance of birds circling around - yes, I know what type of birds I mean, but I didn't want type that species up in regards to a family member.

It's a day to day situation really. Hopefully things improve, fingers crossed.

Paul

The Important Things

2006-10-25T20:17:00.000+10:00

Just had some sobering news come through from back home - my grandfather is ill again, and the prognosis isn't the best. He has had cancer for about seven or eight years, but the reports from back home are getting more and more negative.

He had pneumonia for about three months over the winter just gone, but now that the pneumonia has gone, there is still a large shadow under his chest shown by x-ray. Also with his last test, there was apparently moderate degeneration of brain cells - moderate meaning it was more than would normally be expected. One of the drugs that he was on to control his blood pressure apparently had this sort of side effect, and since his last illness about four months ago or so, he hasn't been on that particular drug, and his blood pressure has been normalish.

Also during the last check up, last week I think, he was told finally and categorically that he could no longer drive. From the report I got, his face fell so much in disappointment. The doctor tried to cheer him up with stories about other, younger, people who also couldn't drive because of medical issues, and it seemed to work, but I can just imagine how devastated he was on initially hearing it.

My grandfather loves to drive, to have his independence - even though he hasn't been able to on doctor's orders over the winter just gone, that was just a temporary thing, the news last week seemed permanent. The doctor gave the whole you will be uninsured for err insurance purposes, and if you hit and kill somebody, that could be culpable homicide.

He collapsed in the bathroom a couple of days ago, he said he fell, but my grandmother suspects his legs just went from under him, and he tore the skin open on his forearm - my uncle, who is about five blocks away, taped it up to try and heal it.

I remember my other grandfather, on Dad's side of the family - he died in 1991 from complications to skin cancer I think - I'm thinking that his skin was as delicate as tissue paper towards the end, frail, ill. Shaking his hand at the end of the last visit, the strength completely gone, a roomful of relatives already looking mournful, watching as me and my brother said goodbye, not being able to bring myself to say 'see you next time' and mumbling something platitudinous (if that is a word). About a week later, he was dead.

Of course we went up to the funeral, but I refused to do the open casket thing - other relatives took photos, tastefully of course - and I couldn't bring myself to lay flowers on the coffin in the hearse either. I'm not sure whether I scattered some of the ashes either, I don't think so but I can't be sure. Could not bring myself to put my hands into his body, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, back to the living. Last night, approximately 4am, my grandfather said to my grandmother that he was going to the bathroom. He got out of bed, and simply collapsed - where did the phrase 'like a sack of potatoes' come from anyway? His knees were screwed up against the bed, my grandmother asked him to stand up, and he thought he was. After a bit longer, he simply got the paper tissues next to his bed, and started shredding them, as if there was nothing else of importance in the world.

Grandmother rang my uncle to help out, after she tried to move him and injured herself in the process - around the abdomen, as my mother indicated - and they got him back into bed, and were awake for the rest of the morning. At 8.30am my aunt took them both in to the doctor's, just as he was opening, and the doctor said to take him straight into hospital. The grandparents apparently have an aversion to ringing 111 - as it is in New Zealand - this isn't the first time this year they have waited for more advice before going to the hospital.

However, it took them about four and a half hours to get him admitted to a ward. The doctors there are going to do all sorts of tests on him to try and figure out what is going on, but just from the general tone of what is going on, it doesn't sound good.

I haven't seen the grandparents for almost two years, and this latest news has wound me up a lot, plus given me a brief taste of the guilts. I feel I need to go over within the next couple of months, before anything, umm, worse should eventuate. And I have been putting the idea of a trip back home off for the last twelve months or so, there are more important things to do, I can't get the leave - with the report I was given this evening, I need to talk to my boss, maybe compassionate leave, maybe time off without pay. God knows there are enough parents at work who take time off for their kids.

And that segues - if I have the right word - into the lack of time I have off with sickness. Sometimes I just feel crap without physical symptoms, but mental illness and stress somehow doesn't equate with something caused by bacteria or whatever. The idea that I am a good worker, and deserve to have time off in cases such as sick relatives, doesn't really come to the fore that much in my thinking.

Maybe a few days off in December? Can I wait that long, without something worse happening? There go the plans for Christmas in Tasmania, or anywhere else for that matter, if I do go back home in the next couple of months.

And back a couple of months will go my 'Pay Off Debt' day. Though that will happen nonetheless, and compared with other things, even though it is the Olympic Flame of my life at the moment, I have built it up so much - and will probably find a cliff face on the other side, ready to tumble down, as I try to figure the rest of my life out - compared to other things, $x worth of debt really isn't that important.

I am quite upset at the moment, but am keeping as much of it inside me as possible. Even though I did that back during the nervous breakdown year, keeping things inside, I am consoling myself with the thought that I have to stay strong for the other members of the family. Yes, I know, lying to myself - as if they need me to stay strong, or as if they notice me, either of those two things. Yes, belittling myself, it is just one of my coping mechanisms.

Have written far too much for one entry - more later.

Paul

Big Question Of The Day

2006-10-23T22:59:00.000+10:00

Now that Schumi has retired, who will I go for in the Formula One? I think the Anyone But Alonso school of thought will be the guiding force for the next year or so at least.

Yeah, yeah, I know, pretty weak re-entry into the blogosphere, but I have been quiet a few days now, and you have to start somewhere.

More - and hopefully more of substance - later.
Paul

Multi Cultural

2006-10-18T20:42:00.000+10:00

A bouquet to the state government, for sponsoring the Queensland multi cultural festival at Roma Street Parklands on Sunday, letting the thousands of people in for exactly zero dollars. Was a beautiful day, although a bit hot at thirty degrees, lots to do, lots to see. Lots of shiney happy people around, lots of smiles. Can you tell I enjoyed myself?

The jam packed programme started at 9.30 - about seven major 'stages' with stuff doing for most of the day, and entertainers just walking around - but I didn't get there until quarter to eleven. I was meaning to get there earlier, but after walking around Toowong for five hours the day before, I had to have a bit of sleep in between.

I was meaning to head over to the Argentinian tango people first, but got distracted by some enthusiastic Morris dancers. Put a smile on the face, was cute and entertaining, all those jangly bits, and they got a 'volunteer' in a blindfold that they danced around. And then I was going to see the tango bit, but then some Bolivians got into some pretty gorgeous costumes and I stuck around to watch their bit for about twenty minutes.

Finally got to the tango stage for the last five minutes or so, and was suddenly glad I was morris dancing and Bolivian pan piping beforehand - the grand piano, the flute, the violin, the bass, dressed up to the nines - not my scene at all nowadays. Sure, I like a good suit as much as anyone, but I just got the feeling that noses were in the air.

Scoffed down some Hungarian snap bread, with sour cream, cheese and goulash, and tried to catch the Aboriginal welcome to the Upper Parklands - yes, I discovered that the place has a lot of steps, gradients and the like, would hate to try running around the place, lots of step training. If I hadn't had the goulash, I probably would have made it to see the welcoming ceremony, but missed it by that much - they were just walking out of the 'sand pit' as I got there.

Headed over to see the Sudanese Catholic Church choir - I just love the style, the cut and especially the colours of most clothes that Africans wear. I spent about five minutes trying to word that sentence right, without trying to sound err racist or anything, but gave up trying, and I know what I mean and it isn't offensive, hope it doesn't come across that way to others. And the Sudanese had pretty good voices as well, even if there was a bit too much hallelujah in it for me LOL.

Then it was a tough choice, either to see the Premier do his welcome to multiculturalism or to go to the Dutch pavilion. When an Amstel beer is on offer, well, can you guess which one I took? Quenched the thirst, but would have been nice to share it with somebody - yes, I did go by myself, very much the Loser from that Beck song perhaps. I have just gotten so used to doing things by myself, more's the pity.

Then went into the actual gardens part of the Parklands, took a photo of a grasshopper eating a leaf, with the shadow of its body against the leaf itself - very nice. Was actually the first time I had been down to the parklands ever, and, apart from the thousands of people there last weekend, found it quite peaceful. Kudos to whoever put that idea together - was it disused railyards before probably?

Found some Bolivian food, some doughy thing with beef in, like a funny shaped spring roll maybe - with chili and sour cream, and then proceeded not to sit down at a table where I could have eaten it civilised like, but instead found a chair watching the Abyssinian dancers. With the beat of the music and the red, yellow and green scarves, it could have been a Bob Marley concert. Although I think I was more concerned with spilling chili all over myself at that stage.

Watched the Poles, Croats and Kurdish dancers before being seduced by the samba beat of the mock Rio Carnival outside. Well the samba beat and perhaps the samba dancers, in those bikini outfits - at least they were well dressed for the weather, the poor Bolivian, Polish and Kurdish men, their traditional outfits were all in stifling wool. And love those big tin drums that the Brazilians have. Only thing missing was a football motif, although they did crash out of the World Cup earlier in the year, maybe it would have brought up too many bad memories.

At the end of the carnival procession, my camera battery, which had been promising to expire since about an hour into the festivities, finally gave up the ghost. All through the time, since that Sudanese choir, I had been thinking, as long as it lasts to the carny, I will be okay if it dies after then. The battery must have been listening to me, to give up the ghost the first time I tried to take a picture of the Russian dancers.

Must remember to buy a spare battery for these big photo days in future. I would have quite happily taken shots of the Russians doing their cossack moves. Watched a bit of the Scottish dancing troupe before realising without a camera there was no use in sticking around to watch the Police Pipes and Drums band - which I would have had to wait an extra hour to see anyhows.

Next year, I will have that second battery. This year, I had heaps of fun anyways - with the crowds as they were on Sunday, and the happy go lucky vibe of the day, it is somewhat, well actually very surprising that the multi cultural thing has only been going for three years.

Mark it on your calendar for next year, all you Brisbane readers. Is a great day out.

Pauly

Photographic Expeditions

2006-10-15T19:17:00.000+10:00

The last couple of weekends I have gotten back into the habit of going out and about to take photos - this weekend perhaps to extremes, at least with the amount of time spent on my feet walking and all. It basically started last Friday, I had the day off, when during a spot of retail therapy in the city, I decided to head down to the Botanic Gardens and along the waterfront - yes, you caught me, there was a Young Divas concert at the Eagle Street Pier. Good singers.

But anyways, some of the shots down the Gardens look like they will come out quite nicely, and then last Sunday I was just feeling a spot of cabin fever, and decided to head out of the house with my camera for an expedition around the surround suburb or two. Spent two hours out and about, mostly walking, taking photos - ok, yes, I did buy my Economist for the week, and also headed to KFC - it was the constant advertising of the Official Burger of The Bathurst 1000 that got to me LOL.

This weekend I have been walking all over the place. I was always going to go to Roma Street Parklands today, but for some reason I felt like just sticking a pin in the middle of the city map yesterday, and headed out to Toowong. Largest cemetery in Brisbane, and I think you can get good pics at those locations. And next door to the Mount Coot-tha part of the Botanic Gardens, so would be a two fer one.

The cemetery is big, between 115 and 120 thousand buried there. There is the military section, a Jewish section, an Orthodox section - including a mausoleum in the shape of an Aegean Island church, blue roof a la Santorini and all. A husband of the granddaughter of William Bligh, the Bounty and all that, who himself was a mercenary in the Spanish Carlist wars before coming over to be a politician in NSW and Queensland has a good view over the city.

The second governor of Queensland, whose burial was the first at Toowong, in 1875 I think, has a Gothic style tower about fifteen to twenty metres high in his honour. And all the money that went on all that marble and wrought iron, not just there but all over the cemetery, and it just stays there, under nature's relentless onslaught. And over on the other hill, the gradient is so steep, I wondered how the pall bearers, the stone workers and everyone got up there to place the coffins. And then chased some pigeons, to try out the action setting on my camera.

Then over to the Botanic Gardens. Or at least that was the plan. Forty minutes later, yes, I did get the wrong street, I did start off by going in the wrong direction, I made it to the Gardens. Had a quick milkshake before heading into the gardens proper, and found a bus stop there, with the timetable and everything, so I had like half an hour if I wanted to catch the first bus, an hour and a bit for the second. After getting err lost, yes I will admit it, I didn't want to wait two and a bit hours, and not being likely to get home until 7 or so, so I wanted half an hour at first, an hour at the most.

Well, the half hour plan was out after about ten minutes gardening. The gardens at Mount Coot-tha are huge, especially compared to the hemmed in city version. I covered perhaps a third of the area in a rush, could have easily spent a day up there, and will keep that in mind next time. Very pretty out there.

Will blog on the multicultural thing either later tonight or tomorrow - lots of fun, lots of photos - the battery in my camera exhausted itself even. Lucky it's a rechargable LOL.

More later
Paul

Worst Drought Ever

2006-10-14T18:21:00.000+10:00

Yep, that's the word from the boffins. Or maybe it is the worst drought in a hundred years.

Anyways, the finger pointing and blame game between the politicians is as hot as ever, with the Feds saying the state governments haven't managed their resources correctly, the state governments retorting that the Feds haven't given the money for national infrastructure type projects that they should have.

The Treasurer was saying that the drought may cause a recession in the bush, which may very well then cause higher inflation for the rest of us because groceries could be more expensive. This also after the low unemployment rate, lowest in thirty years apparently, is partly due to a skills shortage and apparently low unemployment overheats the economy, so that's another mark to raising rates again.

On the other hand, Mark Vaile, the leader of the Nats in Canberra - aka Mr Know Nothing at the wheat for bribes inquiry - has asked the Reserve Bank not to raise rates, to take a sympathetic view of farmers going to the wall if rates are raised. Yes, because sympathy is such a large part of economic thinking. And surprise surprise, the politicians are already thinking of rescue packages for farmers.

Sorry to play devil's advocate, but how many people do live out in the bush anyways?

And it is an El Nino year, so it is due to be hotter over summer anyway - the southern states are having some of their hottest October days ever (Sydney was due to get to 37 today), level four water restrictions are to take effect in Brisbane and the South East on November 1 - lucky they got that pesky election out of the way before things got worse, eh - and Tasmania and I think Victoria had their earliest total fire ban days ever earlier in the week.

It's going to be a horrid summer, I can feel it.

Paul

PS - Buffalo, in New York state, just got its heaviest October snowfall in one day ever. Think it is linked with us having a worse summer - ya think?

Things Are Screwed

2006-10-09T21:45:00.000+10:00

North Korea tested a nuclear weapon today. South Korean and American earthquake monitors picked up a 'seismic event' equivalent to between 3.5 and 4 on the Richter scale somewhere in the North, and television out of Pyongyang has been rah rah we tested a nuke the last couple of hours.

I think it's the most worrying world event since September 11, or arguably the Iraqi invasion. Especially with the fact that North Korea is semi-regularly testing missiles that can reach Japan. Especially since the Americans have been trying to ignore that particular threat while getting stuck in the Iraqi quagmire. And with one of the officials the other day saying North Korea can either have nuclear weapons or it can have a future, they couldn't countenance - if I have the right word - living with a nuclear North Korea. Well, unless there is another war, where Seoul will probably be wiped out in the first day, the gung ho elements of the Administration will just have to back down.

And on the political angle, how does having an 'official' nuclear North Korea make America safer? All the focus with national security on the terrorist, Islamic threat, and they have been trying to ignore Kim Jong-Il all this time - no direct bilateral talks in the entire Bush regime I think? And for North Korea now see Iran in five years time. Going across to the Middle East, how did refusing to talk to Syria, Iran, Hamas or Hizbullah help in the latest Israeli war?

We need Team America World Police, hell yeah, to take out Cartman, aka Dictator Kim. Who knows what goes on in his mind, now that he has attained his life goal of nuclear weaponry. But seriously, North Asia is now screwed security wise - today at least. Tokyo's sharemarket is lucky it had the day off today.

Paul

Somewhat Disappointing

2006-10-08T21:21:00.000+10:00

I read the Andrew McGahan book, Underground, yesterday. After a good set up in the first half of the book - the citizenship test was a laugh, as one example - the second half seemed to lose its way, ending up with a climax that was so err silly that it could have been thought up by South Park or Team America World Police. I won't give anything away, apart from the TAWP phrase, 'durka durka'. And it had gotten to over halfway through so well, as well.

Has been a quiet weekend. Did bugger all yesterday apart from read, and today is the day of days of Australian motorsport. The Bathurst 1000 - or, as was repeated ad nauseum today, the winner today got the inaugural Peter Brock Trophy. I was fine with the nine car tribute lap, the moment of silence, but thought things went a bit over the top with the prayer and Iva Davies singing 'We Can Be Heroes' - oh, and I'm suddenly thinking of that ABC 'comedy series' from a couple years ago. Wasn't all that stuff done at the funeral?

Sorry, just having a cynical moment here - Craig Lowndes won, and the tagline from Channel Ten went that the car was Ford, the driver was Holden, the mentor was Brock. Obviously Australian motorsport will have some reference to Brock for the next decade. And as for saying the crowd was there primarily for the remembrance of Peter Perfect, I am sure the Ford fans weren't.

And then the mood wasn't improved by the groan fest that was Aussie Idol. Disco night, oh, let's promote one of our judges with her new album, yippy skip. And then there was not one singer that was actually any better than averagely meh, and two that were downright disgraceful. No prizes for guessing that it was Sideshow Bobby and 'I'll do better next week' Lisa, killing Superfreak, lounge style, and Heart Of Glass, forget the words style, respectively.

Am on the later shift at work this week, so later starts, but means I'm not home until quarter past eight in the evening. My night is going to seem over even before I finish tea - but at least it's only for a week.

Pauly

What The?

2006-10-06T22:17:00.000+10:00

What is up with this advertising campaign? Went into town, had a lovely day off thank you, and these were plastered all over the railway station - when I first saw them I had no idea what they were trying to say, but after thinking on it a bit, maybe the best place for a Johanssen or Jolie conversation is the pub, with a Guinness? Perhaps? Or maybe the best situation to talk such shit is while eating the Irish ale? No, it's a stout, isn't it?

Anyways, got my eyes tested, very quickly, my sight hasn't changed - I wanted to talk about options other than lenses or glasses, but the guy shoved me out of the office very quick smart - he mentioned something about putting contact lenses in the actual eye, but by that stage I was back at the counter, ordering the contact lenses I am getting. In out in about eight minutes, I remember the long chats I used to have with my optometrists, of twenty to forty minutes - was slightly underwhelmed by the service actually. Contacts will be $400, no surprise there, but what was a surprise is that they may be in next week - wow. Money wise, the hits just keep on coming LOL.

Had a pumpkin feta and pesto pizza from that place in Wintergarden that I like - was nice, could have used just a smidgeon of meat, but was very tasty anyways. No one else I know understands having pumpkin on a pizza, le sigh...

Went to Borders, sure that they would have the next book in the Steve Erikson series, but shock horror, they didn't. They did have Aftermath, that 9/11 photo montage book, yes, the $120 book, but what with my saving for my contact lenses, that purchase was pushed a little further over the horizon. I did start reading the first bit of a book in store, Underground by Andrew McGahan - the war on terror comes to Australia, hard. I ummed and ahhed about it, but didn't get it at Borders. I went into what looked to be an independent bookstore further down Albert St, all the latest American non fiction best sellers - Iraq, Bush etc, I was in heaven lol, but didn't buy anything there either.

Wandered around the Botanic Gardens for a half hour or so, testing out the camera some more, before stumbling across a free concert by the Young Divas. Those four Australian Idol girls who seem to have the best voices of the lot. Tested out the camera a bit more, and their voices were pretty good for an outdoor thing.

Got my Tassie photos developed, so came home and spent about two hours sorting them out. Oh, and bought that book I started reading at Borders in Dymocks - I have one of their - Dymocks - frequent flier club cards after all. All in all a good day.

Paul

Three Day Weekend

2006-10-06T09:21:00.000+10:00

And not a moment too soon - although pay day came and went, and I have been happier in my own self, I found I still had little patience for difficult customers. I must have been to the bosses to check as many things this week as the three months beforehand.

Three days away from the office, with the possibility of going out, now that I am solvent again - have money solvent, not glue - should take the edge off. Fingers crossed.

More soon
Paul

Anger Management

2006-10-04T23:08:00.000+10:00

I was steamed over the weekend, not a happy bunny. Not even my team in the rugby league winning could take the edge off for more than like fifteen minutes - it was obvious with ten minutes to go who would win, and I felt empty, hollow even from that time up until the whistle even. Dare I say that the Aussie Rules grand final was a more exciting spectacle? Geez, I need to get back to some rugby if AFL is rubbing off on me again.

I think I started stressing on Friday night at about 10.30 when I realised that I had maybe had one drink too many, budget wise - not alcohol wise - I am meaning, and that took me under the psychologically comforting amount of x amount of dollars until pay day, Tuesday. Actually, I was stressing about money a bit earlier than that, when it came down to shoes OR photos, not both, last Monday at the shopping mall.

Anyways, the key cause of stress this weekend just gone has been money. Because I had little of it, I did not go out or do anything on the weekend - although I love just blobbing out on the weekend, I do like to have at least the opportunity to go out, even if it is just for window shopping and lunch.

If I stay too long at home, I do get a sense of cabin fever - although I was talking up watching the footy finals to workmates etc, there is only so much I can try to do to be the stereotypical Australian male, and transfixed to three hours of West Coast Sydney is not one of them, I only really took notice in the last quarter of that match.

And of course, me being me, I like to keep bad information to myself for as long as possible, so I didn't tell the parents that I was almost flat broke until Sunday afternoon. And didn't get that extra x amount of dollars that I felt I needed until later Sunday evening - I was kind of not wanting to get into financial issues with my parents, as my brother has been lax in paying some loans of his own to them, or so I overheard.

Geez, this money thing has taken over my life since I went financially AWOL from home back in 2003. When I finally get rid of the debt I may very well be a completely different person - happier, for starters, perhaps. Hopefully.

Was pay day yesterday, so I am happy again, apart from the shit computer systems we have at work that have been up and down like a kangaroo all week. Ah well, one day to go - I have Friday off, woohoo.

Paul

Thought Of The Day

2006-10-03T08:22:00.000+10:00

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better - Richard Hooker

Had a rather grumpy weekend, and hope to explore what was going on in my head in a diary entry soon.

Paul

Two Time Grammy Winner

2006-09-30T13:32:00.000+10:00

Have got the AFL Grand Final pre game 'entertainment' on the television behind me - two time Grammy winner Irene Cara (who?) is bouncing around on top of a stage in the shape of the Toyota logo - oh, What A Feeling from Flashdance, with attendant cheergirls in pink spandex. I have to ask, what did she get her second Grammy for? All the club colours around the stage, in prayer to the Toyota corporate dollar - cynical, moi?

And oh yay, the Australian Idol finalists singing Waltzing Matilda. Or rather, murdering it - shit, I even prefer John Williamson singing it after the haka at the rugby. And just when I thought how they could improve on the pre game show, what with half an hour still to go, here come the Young Divas, aka Idol contestants of the past. Gee, I wonder which channel is showing the AFL?

I don't mind Ricki Lee though - no, not going to say why lol - but again, the choice of song, Chicago You're The Inspiration. Is this the Superbowl or something? No, here's some Aussie content, the club songs, always the highlight of the game - NOT. And no doubt that fucking Holy Grail song will make an appearance.

Okay, I have to admit that Daryl Braithwaite's Little Darling isn't that bad of an Australian song. Up There Cazaly however, is not.

Better go or this will really turn into a boring live-blog - yes, not that it wasn't before I know.

Paul

Baghdad Burning

2006-09-30T11:30:00.000+10:00

When is it going to get better?

I hate to - well, I should rather say I dislike to - go on about the same boring subjects every so often, but yes, it is back to Iraq for this post, apologies to those not interested. Yes, you can feel free to switch off now.

A total curfew on all pedestrian and motor traffic has been announced for most of the weekend, running from Friday evening, Iraq time, through to Sunday morning. Obviously intelligence is about expecting some big attack on Saturday.

Over six and a half thousand Baghdadis died violent deaths in July and August, with more bodies turning up with evidence of torture than 'clean' deaths. The UN's chief anti-torture expert, Manfred Nowak, apparently suggested torture in Iraq now is worse than it was during Saddam's reign.

A new book out by investigative journalist Bob Woodward asserts that the Bush administration has misled the American public over the chaos in Iraq - the Administration has countered by saying that the death toll is public knowledge. That may be so, but Woodward has said that there is an attack on US forces once every fifteen minutes, 800 attacks a week - we all hear about the Iraqi on Iraqi violence, but the attacks on US forces have gone under the radar a bit.

There was a secret report from the US intelligence community back in April, asserting that Iraq had become the cause celebre of the jihad movement, and forecast a worsening in violence going into 2007. In the run up to the September 11 commemorations earlier in the month, Bush said things were getting better in Iraq - the report got leaked about ten days ago, and the White House testily released extra pages this week. Hopefully that blunts any momentum the 'good news Republicans' were getting heading into the mid terms.

'Not only does this American finding have the ring of truth about it, but millions of ordinary people in Britain, Europe, the US and far beyond have reached the same bleak conclusion from a daily torrent of news, analysis and information that is freely available to all. It needs neither spy satellites, informers, nor highly trained analysts to observe the rage and fury that has been generated by Iraq...'

Oh, and going back to earlier in the month, there was a plan to lessen the insurgency in Baghdad by building walls all around the city, sand berms mostly, and lessen the amount of exit and entry roads in. A city of five million people, seemingly busy enough killing each other, and they think that building a wall around the place will calm things down?

Another 4000 American troops got their tour of duty extended, and the head of the US Army didn't submit a budget request to Rumsfeld, protesting that the army didn't have enough money to continue the operation in Iraq and also

Not to mention Afghanistan, another war in the process of hotting up - another Canadian soldier killed today, the total death toll for Canada there up to 37 since 2002, but the tenth death this month. The Brits are going through more ammunition than they have since WW2, this after one of the defence ministers in London said they would probably not have to fire a shot. Reminds of of the Americans thinking they would be greeting with flowers in Iraq in 2003. Iran and North Korea are still out there, researching on nukes as well.

WMDs, the 45 minute lead time for Saddam to use them, and Mission Accomplished on the USS Lincoln seems so long ago now. Was this what it was like towards the latter part of US involvement in Vietnam? Although back then, at least there was a North Vietnamese government to have peace talks with - this time around, it is only the insurgents and militias you can talk to, in the middle of a civil war, 'Baathists and dead-enders' I believe was the term.

Where is the good news? Is it ever going to get better there? What will the long term effect be - you could make an argument that Al Qaeda is partly tied up in the CIA's response to the 1979 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, nearly thirty years ago now, or the current Iraqi fiasco could be traced back to the 1991 Gulf War or the Iran Iraq war, or the Iranian revolution even. Iran of course supporting Hizbullah, opposed to Israel, going back at least to 1948, or 1917 and the Balfour Declaration.

Mao Zedong apparently said of his reaction to the French Revolution, by saying it's too early to tell. I wonder what people in 200 years time will think - with global warming, perhaps living on the Himalaya tropical islands...

Being flippant, hockey season is about to start, and the Mets are into the playoffs - that's good news.

Paul

Rolling Eyes Here

2006-09-28T22:16:00.000+10:00

For 99% of the season, I avoid The Footy Show like the plague, but sometimes when I channel flick, as I did about ten minutes ago, and see Peter Sterling with that Devo red button hat on, singing Whip It, or Paul Harrogan trying to do a Liam Gallagher with Wonderwall, moments such as these it doesn't seem so bad.

Mario Fenech dying a slow death with the Proclaimers Misery To Happiness was simply misery though. And why would any feral audience member wear a shirt that isn't Storm or Broncos? It's like celebrating a losing season - and yes, I did have my tongue in cheek there.

Come on the Broncos!

Pauly

In Agony Can Sometimes Be Beauty

2006-09-26T22:14:00.000+10:00

I think the quote is somewhat related to what happened at Port Arthur ten years ago - that's how I interpret it anyhow. Beautiful picture, beautiful sentiment.

Ende - for this post.

The Brownlow Must Be Just Around The Corner

2006-09-25T11:03:00.000+10:00

Hmm, I have been away for a week, so no new entries have been added until the seven earlier this morning. And this blog isn't really the happening place of the web even when I am posting. However, when I looked at my reader stats last night, they had skyrocketed - in proportion to my usual readership when I am away, keeping it in context.

On further investigation, 90% of them seemed to be google searches for Rebecca Twigley, the girlfriend of Aussie Rules footballer Chris Judd - or are they even still together anymore? It's been a while since I checked, or was interested. And it is somewhat bizarre to think of all the stuff I write about on this thing, that what is searched for most is Ms Twigley. I mean, I'm not even an Aussie Rules fan.

Of course, the Brownlow Medal, best and fairest AFL player awards, are on tonight. When the girlfriends get all decked out to show themselves off at their best - I mean, the last time this site mentioned Twigley was two years ago even. Although it was a 'nice' red dress that she wore from memory.

It's funny, in an annoying way.

Paul

Day The Finale - Sept 24

2006-09-25T10:41:00.000+10:00

Oh, that's what my dream this morning was about - a murder had taken place in a tall building, at first I think in Brisbane, but later it appears to be somewhere in the States - tall building still under construction in fact. Then I am part of the CSI investigating team, or is it Law and Order and the cops - we have to go to Siberia to figure a portion of the case out - I go with two women detectives, there is something about the international date line and us gaining an extra day in Siberia, but that is actually going the wrong direction unless we are Oz to Alaska or something. Then one of the female detectives has to communicate with her tribe, she is Inuit or Siberian or something.

Back to real life Tassie, didn't do too much yesterday, went into Launceston, had a look around, did a bit of shopping, had KFC for lunc - always a good idea at the time, halfway through eating it you think why did I make this choice. Tried finding the Colorado shoes that I wanted, all over Tassie the smallest shoe size was 8 - think I waill order something at Chermside tomorrow if they still don't have my size, either at Colorado itself or Williams. Saw the 9/11 WTC photo book that I want, at two bookstores, $120 in Aussie money, so at least I know it should be in stock up north.

Bought Zoolander on DVD, it was cheap LOL. Decided not to get my photos developed in Tas, fingers crossed will be cheaper at home as well. Had a coffee, look at menswear stores, bought another shirt, this time at Target, and felt all shopped out - we were going to grab Chinese in town, and heat it back up for dinner, but we were 15 mins late after the Mee Wah had closed for its lunch time.

Had sausage rolls for tea and watched 3 DVDs - Grease, Zoolander and Mallrats - well, I saw three, V fell asleep half way through the last two.

Day Six - Sept 23

2006-09-25T10:34:00.000+10:00

Now that was a second half I should have watched, but with the 11pm broadcast for Tassie, it was midnight by the state of halftime where the Broncs were getting flogged 20 to 6 - went to sleep not happy, read in the paper this morning, in one result slot, as opposed to 6 pages of Aussie Rules, that must have been the turnaround of the season, the Broncs into a Grand Final on the back of a 37-20 win. There will be enough replays of the pivotal points of the game in the next week.

Dream report from last night I dream that the next book in one of the fantasy series I read, either Robert Jordan or Steve Erikson, brought in time travel from modern day Earth back to those worlds, whether an earlier time on Earth or whatever. The time travel bit was written in purple, the 'normal' stuff in black, and it just was utter crap writing wise, but then again, what does it say about my dream world, to have that as a plot line.

Oh, and there was a part in the dream/book where there was a gay person from here and now saying that things were better in the modern era than in these fantasy worlds. I don't know whether I was one of the time travellers, or whether it was writing purple at the same time as the actual time travel - Never Ending Story plot device? You get sucked into the book?

Day Five - 22 Sep

2006-09-25T10:21:00.000+10:00

Another strange dream this morning - can't remember too much of it now, but the part I do remember is going into a 17th or 18th century era museum, it feels Austrian for some reason, and then a school tour is organised to restore the museum a bit more with some more antiques. There was more but it has just slipped away too quickly with wakefulness.

Today we were out of the motel by 9.30 and headed to Northgate, one of the shopping malls in northern Hobart - I was looking for nice shoes from Colorado which are also stocked in Williams, but the best I could get was in central Hobart at a size eight - no such luck at Northgate, but picked up Mallrats and Foo Fighters latest, which were both in the bargain bin already, well impressed to see Mallrats there, and got a nice long sleeved T-shirt from Westco. Had eggs benedict for brekkie, and V asked where I had learned about that dish - of course, I had to say Canada with the post WW Saturday brekkies, hmm.

Then off to Island Markets in a shed on a side street in Glenorchy - just had a wander around, not much of interest - apart from the live fish tanks - for seafood, not for pets. Headed out on the highway via Bridgewater and Brighton, we were thinking of heading to the animal park there, but when filling the petrol tank, the wind absolutely cut right through me, and rainclouds weren't too far off, so I made the decision not to go - there was querying about that from the other three, but it soon pissed down and my judgement was as sound as Solomon's.

Stoppef for lunch at Ross again, another chicken pie, with an added vanilla slice - took more pics inside the St John's Anglican Church, and then the rain was almost sleet like, all the way from Ross to Perth. Got home at about 3.30, dropped P and T off, and went to visit L, dropping off an eckle from Ross bakery as we did so.

B came around to be babysat for the evening, we went and got sausages from the butcher, potatoes from the greengrocer, dropped a postcard with Postperson Pat (as in Patricia), and V had a chat with the doctor's wife - all very Mount Thomas village like.

Dropped the luggage off at base camp, went to the supermarket for shopping, and am now about to relax - although they are showing the wrong footy on TV, Swans v Dockers, should be Bulldogs v Broncos, but that won't be shown until 11pm - grrr.

Latest Tassie Trip Day Four - 21 Sept

2006-09-25T09:50:00.000+10:00

I have having weird vivid dreams on this trip. Overnight it started off in a ragged convoy of troops and equipment in some tunnel in the States - it appears Washington got a direct nuclear hit and New york was hit in one of the suburbs - the Bronx perhaps - and that was it for WWIII, as far as the US was concerned. It then morphed into an Aussie Idol audition, and I was sticking close to one of the 'hot picks'. There was also an earlier sequence involving V, but that's all I remember of it...

Today, we got into town at about 9.30, and P and T went off for brekkie, while V and I headed off for the central tourism info booth. I wanted to see how much and what time the double decker bus trip around town was - 90 minute trip, $20, first bus off the rank was 10am - good timing on our part, because the next trip would have been at five to midday. We were the first people on and therefore got first dibs on the upper deck front seat - score! I was bouncing with excitement basically before the bus took off.

Went through Battery Point and Sandy Bay, the trendy and expensive parts of town before getting to the casino - the first legalised casino in Australia. Wrest Point before 1974 was a motel, before 1930 was farmland, and I think was a whaling station run by convicts before that. Then out to under Mount Wellington and the Cascade Brewery - there was actually a sprinkling of snow on the mountain today, I think I got the remains of it once the colud lifted - got a couple of good shots of the brewery as well. The ride was a bit bumpy at times, was windy today, although the driver said the double decker could take 25 degrees of tilt before it would keel over.

Back through town and then through the domain up to Government House and the Botanic Gardens before coming back into town. Hopped off the bus, met up with P and T for lunch - fish and chips on the waterfront. Lots of food and we threw more than a few chips out. Off to the Maritime Museum, which V commented seemed to be a very male attraction, out of about 20 others in the place at the same time, there was only one other woman, and V was bored out of her brain. Good whaling history bit, with video and all - icky, disgusting, but I'm sure if a video of an abattoir was shot and shown, it would be just as disgusting.

Tried to do a bit of shopping, but nowhere had the shoes I wanted - some nice stuff in Roger David, but not in the mood to pay $50 to $70 for a shirt. Headed off to St David's Cathedral - was open, which surprised V. Absolutely awesome, and we were the only two there - V sat in a pew, while I took pictures. Lovely.

Met up with P and T again and had milkshakes from Donut King, then was back out to the motel. For all of about five minutes before V, P and I headed off to Centro Glenorchy and especially the Big W there. I went to Ed Harry, bought my first pure white shirt in I don't know how long, and then headed into Big W, where they have self service check outs now - along with a return that V had, it took about 25 minutes to get out of the place - my tiredness and a bit of crankiness kicked in.

Caught the news - supposed to be 100 kay winds over the state tomorrow morning - and then headed to the pub next door for tea. Had a T-bone steak, whell done, and triple ice cream, as well as about $15 down the slot machines, and a beer. Oh mi god, I cannot rave enough about the food at the Carlyle Hotel in Glenorchy - the steak was well done, not the usual smidgeon above medium you get, and the ice cream was to die for. So much better than the usual pub meal - and the pub itself was very open and airy - even the gaming room wasn't dingy.

Could not eat one more smidgeon of food, even if it was just a wafer - a la Monty Python LOL.

Latest Tassie Trip Day Three - 20 Sept

2006-09-25T09:31:00.000+10:00

It's been an age since I've been in a camping ground, and even though we are just in a cabin, rather than a tent, the feeling of living on top of each other, the freshness of the grass and trees after a reasonable amount of rain, very nice.

Had some weird dreams last night - one of which K had travelled to Oz before kicking on to Africa (via Darwin and India for some reason, on Delhi Airlines), but before getting on the plane I didn't have a visa for India, simple me thinking that as a Commonwealth country I was allowed in anyways - K, of course, had her visa months ago.

Second dream was somewhat weirder even - I was at work, in a windowless office by myself (the layout of the office reminded me of Richmond Gaol, actually), whereas everyone else had windows, and weren't working just by themselves, usually two to an office. Being by myself for 10 hours a day was causing me stress, and I was maybe close to another breakdown, my boss LD (from the Ministry back in Wellington) called me by phone to call her into the office.

Then it morphed into another dream, whereby my contact lense was stuck in my eye, so I had to take the entire eyeball out - accidentally snapping the optic nerve, so we sorted the contact lens out, but when I put the eyeball back in, hoping I would be able to see, the reality of the optic nerve going meant that I was now blind in the left eye. I think it actually woke me up to check that I could see out of both eyes because the dream had turned so realistic or terrifying.

We left Richmond about 9am, and had breakfast at Maccas at Sorrell - stopped myself getting run over at the drive thru, which was nice - and then drove down to Port Arthur. Found a Hobart FM station (HOFM, named Aich Oh, rather than Ho) to get the Steve Irwin service - oh, and there has been a coup in Thailand, which is the big news story internationally - Thaksin was overseas at the UN General Assembly or something.

Anyways, listening to Steve Irwin's memorial service while going down the peninsulas to the Port Arthur area - good lookout to the Tasman park, then the Tessellated Pavement, the Tasman Arch, the Devil's Kitchen and the Blowhole. Absolutely stunning scenery, and hope it comes out in the photos.

Off down to Port Arthur, when I was in the car, I imagined how it must have been for the cops racing down the same roads in 1996. Decided to do the general admission and the two side trips, so lots of walking, lots of cruising.

Before the cruises we did the Government Gardens and the churches, then off to the Isle of the Dead, where the Port Arthur graveyard was, and then off to the Point Puer Boy's Prison, where they tried to rehabilitate the young Brits before they had youth centres in the UK - there were only six of us, four being the usual suspects, and me being the only boy, was picked as both the good and bad boy, and the guide was interacting with me in front of the others - I did the better job as the bad boy. Must have been the beanie, which V suggested made me look like a crim.

Went to the Memorial Garden for That Shooting, and then up to the Penitentiary, Military Barracks, Commandant's Quarters, Hospital and Seperate Prison. All very good, all very striking, all very tiring.

Headed to Hobart, got lost trying to find the motel in Glenorchy, the light on the sign was on the blink and the map was inconclusive. We got here, got BBQ Idol pizza from across the road, and flopped into bed, figuratively and literally. I have a few ideas of what I want to do tomorrow, but the others are looking more to shopping...

Latest Tassie Trip Day Two - 19 Sept

2006-09-25T08:53:00.000+10:00

Flights down, Sydney and Launceston, were uneventful, apart from being delayed for ten minutes as they reconfigured runways at Sydney, and there was a bit of turbulence coming into Launceston.

Headed into Mount Thomas for lunch at the Deli, at approximately 2 o'clock. V had a ham and cheese baguette while I had the works bagel - well, bagel of roast beef, artichoke, apricot chutney and swiss cheese - was yum! We then pottered around for most of the afternoon, picked up some cheesecake for desert that night, and then headed to L's for dinner. Roast chicken, parsnips and the rest, with the raspberry cheesecake for dessert - along with A Current Affair, Futurama, 50 Years of TV News, and a bit of Idol. Most of the conversation was about the TV or the work thing with V and L. Was a good meal and is always a good evening out with D and L.

Dropped around to M and S to drop off I's present - V got talking to M while I watched Austar - Friends and Drew Carey - while sometimes switching onto the conversation. Got home, packed and went to sleep - although V only slept half the night, apparently as having Coke Zero keeps her awake.

Woke up at about 8 today, got ready, chucked the bags in the back, picked up P and T, our trip buddies, got petrol and were then on the road. First stop was Campbell Town, nice church and a log to take pictures of. Then it was to Ross, to partake in Scottish fudge, yummy bakery goods, second oldest bridge in the state/country, old churches and prison grounds, and lots of walking and photos. Then it was a drive through Oatlands for some reason, we just drove through though. Then we took the back road to Richmond, which was very scenic, very pretty, but I didn't take any pics surprisingly enough. For about the first time all day - it is very dry in southern Tassie, the land almost looks like it is begging the sky for water, and the sky is blithely ignoring it. Or so I will title one of the pics that way.

Got into Richmond about 12.30, and vegged out in the cabin for about half an hour, watching the Peter Brock state funeral - media overkill tomorrow for Steve Irwin's thing, what's the bet. Then into town, had another pie and sausage roll for lunch, on top of the chicken pie for morning tea. Wandered up and down Richmond's main street, went to the Old Hobart Town model, got lost in a couple of mazes, came back up and saw the Gaol - which was worthwhile, even though I said going to Port Arthur should suffice - Port Arthur is mainly ruins, whereas Richmond is complete.

Seeing the early history of Tasmania is wrenching, absolute nasty place to be in. Solitary confinement, floggings, executions, brutality seems to breed brutality and the echoes of all that early history seems to stay in the walls, in the bricks and all. Went to the bridge and oldest Catholic Church (1823 and 1835 respectively) and wandered the Catholic graveyard for a bit. There is a hill there which looks perfect for Thriller or Silent Hill, dead come to life graveyard scene or something. Then went down to the bridge again, and fed ducks, while geese honked and tried to chase me. After the bread had gone, the geese calmed down and I went by the riverside, very calming, the sound of the birds, the water bubbling away, was nice.

Came home to watch the news, then out to the pub for tea - cajun chicken, yum. A normal Tuesday evening of watching All Saints and off to bed shortly.

Latest Tassie Trip Day One - 18 Sept

2006-09-25T08:26:00.000+10:00

Yes, I was that annoying person on the peak hour train with a suitcase today - mind you, I haven't caught a train before 8 ayem in a long time, and on the 7.15 this morning, the main issue was all these freaking schoolkids - compared to which, I was just a minor irritant. I hope.

Generation Z is in for a nutty time - I can't imagine living through a mobile phone almost 24/7, and the girl behind me couldn't get off it on the train trip - and the most boring subjects! It's all very well to communicate more, but is the mindless conversation worth having? They probably think everything the talk about is life changing, but the lie that adults tell us as teens, that they are the best years, most important of your life - school is not important in the big scheme of things. And yes, I was in the freaks/geeks category.

And the second time in three days that I have made myself sound old, after the 'I'm too young to remember Monty Python' on Friday.

Anyways...

There was a suspicious looking guy in the check in queue this morning - he kept kicking his bag forward until it was right at the top of the queue - just so, placed perfectly. Just a duffel bag, white guy, scruffy beard. Just the precision with which he placed the bag was a bit jarring - and for me, who likes to affect a been there done that attitude to air travel, that's saying something.

Just boarded the plane a couple minutes ago, and 9/11 must have flashed through my head. We are on a 737, which certainly looks like it has as much punch as the 767s hijacked on that day - to my embarrassment I made a mental note there were no Ay-rabs or obvious Middle Easterners - embarrassing for my lefty Guardian reading credentials, no racial profiling here - ha, I wish. And the film United 93 is bouncing around my head, the somewhat fake pleasantries and politeness of the passengers, the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness once the plane had left the tarmac.

I just wish at times like this that I cared about Paris Hilton, Justin Timberlake and the rest of those trashy magazine stories - ah well, Economist, here I come LOL.

I'm Feeling Old

2006-09-17T16:10:00.000+10:00

We went out for a work team building type exercise dinner on Friday night, a few drinks and a meal out, primarily because as a team we hardly ever go out together, ever. And so it happened Friday night, if you want to be technical, three team members didn't turn up - but we had two ring-ins, so it almost equalled out - and that's another thing, it was supposed to be team members only, but somehow some people managed to invite friends from other sections, but others didn't.

Anyways, while we were gorging ourselves on Vietnamese - everyone buy a plate, and everyone tuck into it, and why do I always seem to go for the foods that aren't hoovered up as soon as they get out? Always seems to be the case that my choices have the most left overs. Anyways, everyone is eating, everyone is starting to get full, and I remember that skit out of Monty Python's Meaning Of Life, where the guy eats and eats and eats, and one last chocolate wafer and he explodes.

F, the girl across the table from me starting relating with best scenes out of Life of Brian and Holy Grail - the Python movie, not that stupid AFL anthem - while K, the girl next to her says she was too young to get any Monty Python reference. Oh mi god, I felt old at that stage of the night - K feigning ignorance is completely nice and everything, one of my better friends at work I think, but she is only 23 or 24. And I feel even older now I realise I wrote ONLY 23 or 24 in the sentence before this one.

Was talking to S who was on my left hand side about how I feel about work at the moment. Said to her that after seemingly the longest time getting comfortable in my job, getting good at it, I can basically sleepwalk through it now - not saying I am the best, just saying that I am the best I can currently be, always room for improvement.

However, if I was to look for another job at the moment, that would lock me into being in Brisbane for a while longer, and I'm not sure whether I want that. Beyond paying off this godawful debt I have been having hang over my head for the last few years, I'm not sure what to do beyond that - it is too scary, too complex, too open to even think about, and I shy away from any sort of decision making beyond clearing the X number of dollars I still have to go.

History repeating in a way, I was too deer in headlights about the whole going and staying in Canada thing as well - but I can't remember what the circuit breaker was there. And really truly at the moment, I don't think I want to remember. Man, I must have been thinking way fuzzily back then, to not realise my job, my finances and my relationship were all getting screwed up. The wonders of hindsight.

I do still love Canada though - maybe more as a concept than an actual living, breathing place though. Hockey, snow, stunning landscapes more so than finding a job, finding a place to live and all that. I do shy away from the thought of ever living there again - but that shying away from line is a busy busy place at the moment. I shy away from living in Canada more than most other possible decisions though.

Anyways, back to the thought of changing jobs, I gave S a couple of hypotheticals I think I would like to try out - being a travel agent or working for an emergency line organisation like Lifeline. Of course, it was about six months ago that one of the bigger travel companies in the country was advertising for new recruits to train up - me, worried about applying for another job while I still had a lot of debt to pay off said no, not looking for another job at the moment. Travel would be an interesting field to get into, and, with my customer service focus, I think I would be good at the customer handling side of it, and of course, have always been interested in travel anyways.

Lifeline or something similar, I think they are only volunteer workers anyways, but it would still look good on a CV, and I think I would be good at that and have a high burn out threshold. Perhaps, but I am at a good point in my life (even if I don't know what to do next), and have been there done that on the depression thing, so think it would be good and interesting.

L, on the other side of me, was asking what I was up to for the weekend - I said I was probably going out to a movie - which one - Inconvient Truth I replied - who is in it, what's it about - Al Gore, and it's about global warming. A dull 'oh' was the only reply to that one, followed up after a short period by who is Al Gore? Yes, I do have dull topics and interests, although P and F sounded more interested - they were thinking of seeing Thank You For Smoking, so more along the lines of my movie preferences than L.

So, I just saw that a couple of hours ago - is good, in a scary end of the world type way. The way Antarctica and Greenland are melting hmm, scary - and Gore says that at the end of the last Ice Age the North American glaciers flooded the Atlantic, screwing up the Gulf Stream cooling Europe down for another thousand years. All in the planetary insignificant timeframe of ten years. Day After Tomorrow indeed. Also the CO2 levels, and the population explosion, blah blah, apocalypse. Well worth watching, but I think the majority of the population can wait until the DVD release, I'm sure the audience at the cinema was a bit like preaching to the converted.

And the advertising slot immediately before the movie was for V8 Supercars. Yes, let's burn lots of petrol for entertainment - I guess if they make it carbon neutral it will be okay.

United 93, Thank You For Smoking and Inconvenient Truth - I have weird taste in movies, don't I? Although at the height of winter (the summer season in North America) I did do my fair share of Mission Impossibles, X-Men and Superman, just to name three popcorn franchises.

'What deep wounds ever closed without a scar?' - Lord Byron

About the best quote of the day I have seen in the day calendar for a while. Even though it sounds suspiciously close to a Missy Higgins lyric LOL. Followed up by a lesser but more to the point quote -

'Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.' - Marlene Dietrich

I was going to write something about how some of us ended up at a gay bar on Friday, and how I'm not sure whether in being unfazed about it that means I am tolerant and undiscriminatory about that whole subject, or whether I make a point of it all, look at me, I'm in a gay bar, hooray hooray, and making a big deal about it. I think I do the quiet toleration thing, but sometimes I worry whether I am just making a point about it all. Doesn't usually happen like that, but on Friday I was just a bit over it all, and quietly observing.

I was thinking of writing a paragraph about it all, but wasn't sure where it was heading, what the point of it would be, but thought I would lay it out as above anyways. I do truly believe in equality for all, lefty Guardian reader that I am, but on Friday night I just wasn't sure what I was doing there - was in the mood for dancing - nothing like a good bass line - but no one else was, and then I just ran out of enthusiasm I think.

Off on holidays for the week ahead, to see V in Tassie, so will report back probably Monday week.

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Paul

Aussie Values

2006-09-12T22:04:00.000+10:00

Another wonderful idea out of Canberra today - all tourists and immigrants to the country may have to sign off on a section of the visa confirming they will abide by 'Australian values'. Not to worry too much, it is an idea out of the opposition, so it won't take place for at least eighteen months, maybe five or eight years.

Australian values such as respecting the country's laws, political system, religions, cultures, women and hard work. Because the current way people come into the country, and the unspoken need to respect all that already needs to be toughened up, obviously. It will catch out any terrorists, obviously. It will be a good use of money to reprint entry visa forms, obviously. It will not make the country or any potential government look stupid.

This of course being a one-upmanship from the Prime Minister last week saying that a section of the Muslim population not integrating, needing to learn English quicker, and to respect women.

'The refugee and human rights advocate Marion Le said the one-upmanship between Mr Beazley and Mr Howard had become ridiculous.

"Already people sign forms to guarantee all sorts of things like they will not rip off the social security system, and there are threats to cancel their visas."'

Because of course there is no social security fraud in this country. And by writing mateship into the visa application, by getting immigrants to sign up to it, everyone will be mates after that and there will be no further social conflict - or worse - in Australia, ever.

Yeah, yeah, I know, sarcasm doesn't become me.

Paul

The Yanks Don't Do Subtle

2006-09-11T23:46:00.000+10:00

Am just watching the second part of this Path To 9/11 thing that the ABC network in the States produced as a little commemoration for the Obvious Five Year Memorial. There was a lot of flak Stateside of the thing slagging off the Clinton Administration for being more interested in interns than terrorism, and apparently there was a lot of last minute cutting to the thing over that way, but we got the Monica Lewinsky 'pathetic' comment from Harvey Keitel in all its glory.

But this coverage of the actual attacks in 2001 themselves is so Over The Top. The super slow motion coverage, the flickery camera angles - we can all blame the success of 24 for that - the heroic poses, the call for action, any action. It's like fucking Pearl Harbor, with Harvey Keitel instead of Ben Affleck. What utter tosh - especially when you compare this to the movie United 93. And there are a lot of differences between what happened according to United 93 and what is happening according to Path To Stupidity.

Yes, I love those long, lingering shots of the actors playing Condi and Cheney and Tenet. Like, whatever. Maudlin to the extreme, looks like Michael Bay directed it - the question with United 93 and World Trade Center being made too soon after the event, maybe not, but it has to be quality to qualify.

I'm just shaking my head in astonishment at the banality of it. Fuck super slo-mos of plane crashes. Give me the real coverage anyday - terrifying, and you don't have to put music to it or slow it down or anything. Replays I mean, I don't intend to seem to be asking for another act of mega terrorism.

Quote of the day that I just saw on a 9/11 related thing on SBS -

Does God's light guide us or blind us?

I think it was in reference to the terror man can inflict on man, but I'm not sure - is a good one to ponder though.

Paul

Another Useless State Election

2006-09-10T21:21:00.000+10:00

Had an election in Queensland yesterday, after a four week campaign. Absolutely nothing changed in the big picture - a seat or two swapped parties as it were, but nothing else. And this with a government that has been in power for eight years, has seemed to be in crisis for the three years that I have been in country - from electricity, to health, to water - and suddenly during the election campaign comes up with a plan for the issues. Like, what were you doing the previous seven and a half years?

And they may have lost one or two seats, but still have two thirds the seats in the state parliament. With a swing towards them - the pundits have been saying it was an election the opposition lost, they were pretty disorganised, and their best campaigner was out of the campaign for a crucial four days with a family death. But still, the government won the seat where the health issues were most prominent, what the hell is going on with that?

And also, what was up with the full on kisses the premier gave his wife at the campaign 'launch' and also the victory speech. There is no need in politics to show us that, people, it would put me off voting for him even more. If I could vote of course, being a Kiwi citizen over this side of the ditch.

Another three years of screw ups, I can see it now.

Paul

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out

2006-09-09T09:30:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a news hound. That I didn't care what happened with politics in Canberra, Wellington, Ottawa, London or Washington, let alone the wars in Baghdad, Kandahar and the rest. That I felt I could just believe everything that came out of the various governments and the media, and not feel a need to question things, and to keep my own opinions, rather than accept what is said at face value.

That, for instance, I could believe that there had been a water tight case against 'Jihad Jack', who trained doing something in Afghanistan for a couple of years. That the conviction in the case was thrown out on a technicality, rather than apparently because some of the evidence was tainted by the threat of torture in Pakistan or something. That the subsequent control order was due to evidence that he is a likely threat, rather than possibly just a petty act of revenge.

And wouldn't a second trial for Mr Thomas kind of go against the long established precedent of double jeopardy? Not just a so so movie starring the fab Ashley Judd, it is the idea that if you go through a trial and get acquitted, you don't get hauled up on the same charges again. I think the idea behind it is that you wouldn't continually be pursued by a vendetta from the state or someone with lots of money to pay lawyers forever.

But New South Wales is set to fix that 'loophole' for serious cases, such as murder, gang rape and terrorism apparently. Fresh charges can be brought if substantial new evidence comes to light. The Premier down that way will be able to highlight his tough on crime credentials in the state election next year, and the Federal Justice Minister has commended NSW for getting on with double jeopardy reform. And the legislation could be retroactive, cases already thrown out could be looked at again.

What the fuck? Next there will be legislation to approve what is going on in Guantanamo and the CIA secret prisons, that confessions under torture will be admissable in court, and that people can be locked up for five years (and counting) without any charges being brought.

It is amusing, in an oh my god we are so in trouble, to hear the US President blithely admitting that yes, we did have CIA super secret prisons where we had the worst of the worst, but it is alright now, because we are transferring them to Gitmo, and if Congress puts through the correct legislation, everything will be sunshine. Just two months out from the mid term elections, where the Republicans are looking vulnerable, for the first time in five years - am so surprised with the timing of the President and the Administration bringing up all this again.

The President will be in New York on Sunday, at Shanksville and the Pentagon on Monday. After not mentioning Osama bin Laden by name for ages, he mentioned him ten times in a speech yesterday. Last week, Rumsfeld said that those who disagreed with how the war on terror was being run were like those people that appeased Hitler back in the 1930s, that the battle today was like the battles against fascism and communism in the last century.

Any recent set piece speeches on Iraq or Hurricane Katrina? I thought not.

Good Guardian comment piece on what will be the dominant theme of the weekend.

'The weekend is to be wall-to-wall 9/11. Not glorifying terrorism? You must be joking...

Terrorism is 10% bang and 90% an echo effect composed of media hysteria, political overkill and kneejerk executive action, usually retribution against some wider group treated as collectively responsible. This response has become 24-hour, seven-day-a-week amplification by the new politico-media complex, especially shrill where the dead are white people...

I would ask Bin Laden whether he had something special up his sleeve for the fifth anniversary. Why waste money, he would reply. The western media were obligingly re-enacting the destruction and the screaming, turning the base metal of violence into the gold of terror. They would replay the tapes and rerun the footage ad nauseam, and thus remind the world of his awesome power...

The gruelling re-enactment of the London bombings in July and this weekend's 9/11 horror-fest are not news. They exploit grief and horror, and in doing so give gratuitous publicity to Bin Laden and al-Qaida...'

If I thought I could get away with posting the entire thing without boring everyone senseless - anyone still awake to this point? - I would have.

Coming back to a more local angle, the Prime Minister spoke about the need for some Muslim immigrants to Australia learning English and treating women with more respect. The Senate spent an hour debating the ongoing persecution and alienation of the Muslim community in the country, and then went onto more important issues.

'John Faulkner (ALP, NSW): "... I cannot pass over him using the rights of Australian women as an excuse to attack part of our community. When Mr Howard says migrants 'must be fully prepared to embrace Australian attitudes towards women', that is the dog whistle he is blowing.

"Ask yourself, what exactly are these attitudes?

"There are workplaces, as we all know, where women have been harassed, underpaid and ignored for promotion. There are community organisations where women's participation is limited to an auxiliary role. There are religious institutions where women are relegated to subservience. Women's total wages average just 66 per cent of male total earnings. Sixty per cent of minimum wage workers in Australia are women although less than 45 per cent of the workforce are women. Women in our defence forces continue to be victimised, bullied or harassed.

"So where should we look for the cause? Should we blame the 1 per cent of the Australian population who are Muslim? Or should we look at ourselves, our workplaces, our streets, our homes? Perhaps senators might even care to look at our Parliament. It is easy to find scapegoats in members of our community who look different. It is comfortable to pretend the flaws in our society are all the fault of others: the different, the foreign, the strangely dressed.

"Australians of faith deserve better from their Prime Minister than to be demonised for their religion. And Australians who suffer discrimination deserve better from their Prime Minister than to have their real problems blamed on imaginary hobgoblins."'

Of course, as well as being boring stuff out of Canberra anyway, a story such as this got buried by all the Steve Irwin and Peter Brock memorialising. Not even going to venture a dissenting opinion on those two stories, lest I be strung up like Germaine Greer.

Like I said at the start, sometimes I wish I could give a miss on all the geopolitical stuff going on, that I could live by immersing myself into a mixture of reality TV, celebrity gossip magazines and my circle of friends and family. Sometimes I wish that - mostly I don't.

Paul

Bloody Good Read

2006-09-07T20:10:00.000+10:00

Wow. Anyone into epic fantasy, and I know that isn't everyone's cup of tea, get your hands on Steven Erikson's Malazan books. I think I mentioned that the first one, Gardens of the Moon, was pretty damned good, but the second, Deadhouse Gates, blew me away - in a literary sense of course.

Best description of swords and shields battle scenes in a fictional book I have read. Ever. And the fact that the army whose point of view you are reading it from is retreating across a continent for who knows how many months, overwhelmed, outnumbered, slaughtered - it has been a while since I have felt true compassion for characters out of a book. It is so damned unfair.

How good is this writing, about an impending battle -

'The named soldier - dead, melted wax - demands a response among the living... a response no-one can make. Names are no comfort, they're a call to answer the unanswerable. Why did she die, not him? Why do the survivors remain anonymous - as if cursed - while the dead are revered? Why do we cling to what we lose while we ignore what we still hold?

'Name none of the fallen, for they stood in our place, and stand there still in each moment of our lives. Let my death hold no glory, and let me die forgotten and unknown. Let it not be said that I was one among the dead to accuse the living.'

Wow. There is much, much more as good as that, over nine hundred pages in fact, and I could have mentioned more, but I don't want to ruin the plot beyond lots of battles and intrigues and sorcery and stuff. And I just bought book three which is over eleven hundred pages - it's been a while since I attempted a book that big...

Steven Erikson, mate, you are a champ. It's been a while since I enjoyed a fiction book so much.

Paul

Assassination, Fake

2006-09-03T11:32:00.000+10:00

I can't remember the last time I read the Daily Mirror - it might have been when I was 'tasting' each of the British dailies to get a feel for which I felt most comfortable with, all the way back in August/September 1997 - if you haven't read my blog before, I settled on the Guardian - but today I have gone searching for a Mirror article referenced in a New York Times story. Crazy but true LOL.

The Times was doing a piece on the Channel Four mockumentary about Bush getting assassinated. In the film, this is due to take place in October 2007 in Chicago - the picture that has been going along with the story reminds me very much of what I have seen of Bobby Kennedy's killing back in 1968.

Didn't that also happen in Chicago? Or just the Democratic Convention of that year that basically looked like civil war on the streets about the whole Vietnam thing? This is from memory of archive footage on the History Channel I remind you, I wasn't around in 68 myself.

Anyways the assassination takes place against a similar backdrop of huge public protest against the Iraq war, and suspicion falls on a Syrian-American sniper or something. The important thing is that an interesting question arose from a Daily Mirror editorial, a situation which I don't think I have ever come across before.

'While Channel 4 chiefs are treading a fine line in terms of taste, it nevertheless provides dramatic food for thought. The continuing desperate violence in Iraq, the Taliban's resurgence in Afghanistan and the failure to capture Osama bin Laden are increasingly playing on the minds of Americans. The undoubted furore this will spark across the US and among the handful of Bush supporters in Europe must not obscure the real question facing us all.

Where is the War on Terror going? And how bad does it have to get before it gets better?'

It makes you think. Which is a good thing.

Paul

2006-09-01T22:23:00.000+10:00

Let's Try This Video Blogging Lark

Fingers crossed...

The Joys Of Dial Up

2006-09-01T21:26:00.000+10:00

Happy happy joy joy. The fun that ensues when you try to watch a six minute YouTube clip that you just saw on television a half hour before - and it takes about an hour to download three minutes. The clip in question was from The Daily Show, where Jon Stewart was mocking one of Dubya's speeches from last week - we here in Oz get the Daily Show in a weekly format about a week after it actually airs in the States.

Suffice to say it is a lot better to watch than take a play by play written approach to it, but the best part was that in the middle of saying the terrorists killing three thousand Americans on 9/11 - were they all Americans? I thought there were quite a few furriners in the casualty toll, but that is by the by.

While Bush was getting himself all worked up about 2001 being before the 'freedom agenda' in the Middle East, one of the press asked him what did Iraq have to do with that. Bush's face at that moment, puckering up as if he was sucking a hundred lemons, and then him asking what did Iraq have to do with what, emphasis on the what - classic. The World Trade Center, the journalist followed up, to which Bush said nothing - to which Jon Stewart cut away, but the President did splutter on a bit about trying to justify Iraqi Freedom.

Best laugh I have had in as long as I can remember, and Stewart than ad libbed with 'So why did you bring it up - no I didn't - yes you did - shut up' - and I don't have broadband to quickly download it, to bring it to my blog for the viewing pleasure. Of course, I am strange with my fascination of most things Americana though, especially Americana politicana.

Or how about that microphone being left on by that CNN anchor Kyra Phillips while she was in the bathroom and the President was doing a speech. Calling her sister in law a control freak, talking to the unidentified second party about 'those extended visits, hehehe', and telling the world that there are good men out there. I sure hope she has more than one brother, and how airbrushed is that official photo?

Broadband would be nice, there's just too much video coverage on the net nowadays - not like my day, when you had to walk through five miles of snow to catch the three hour round trip bus to get to the chatroom LOL.

OK, I'm rambling - more later

Paul

Two Princes

2006-08-29T22:55:00.000+10:00

Was listening to that blast from the past by the Spin Doctors - yes, that was their name, was thinking how strange it is to see that phrase of spin, when the song was released well before I had ever heard of that public relations term. As I recall, goofy goofy band, silly song, but one of those that gets into your head and sells millions.

Came out about the time that I was leaving high school, and was thinking the three or four years after that were the closest I have come to having an actual extensive social life. Flitting between the cool group - well, the second best cool group, as it wasn't the alpha sports guys and cheerleaders crowd - as cool as I could get perhaps, the future lawyers, doctors and accountants group. The people who actually went to university to actually do the degrees in the minimum amount of time.

The other groups I flitted with were the slackers, who had signed up for university, but didn't know what to do with it, weren't really motivated at all, and the hmm, not quite sure how to class the third group - some pregnant teenagers, some heavy drinkers, bit of drug use blah blah, but a real sense of friendship and community about them - I know what some people would class them as, but I wouldn't use the type of terminology others would. Ah, the battlers perhaps is the best term, thank you John Howard LOL.

Was going out almost every weekend, some weekends two nights in a row - I never quite felt I broke into the brainiacs group, even though before my 'mental breakdown' at high school, I felt I was closest to that type of grouping. I don't know, maybe I just felt a bit cut out from the 'I'm doing a double law and accounting degree, what are you doing Tarquin' - OK, I exaggerate, on the Tarquin bit LOL. I dunno, maybe I just found them a bit snooty or something - this is of course in hindsight.

I just was at a very dark stage of my life then, and I felt that I wasn't adding much if anything to the conversations, a centre of darkness to the room. I had my depression to feed off, mentally back then, and felt it polluted the bright young professionals vibe in that group. I felt more at ease with the slackers and drinkers, a feeling of belonging or something.

But, at least I was out socialising, not just with workmates. Apart from my decade or so in Upper Hutt, I just don't feel I have stayed in a place long enough to gain deep friendships. And in my latter twenties and as I have hit 30, sometimes it feels too much of an effort to go out and make new friends, especially since I'm not sure which direction my life is headed, I doubt it will be long term in Brisbane - and, of course, the old chestnut of what do I bring to a friendship blah blah blah.

Hmmph, I knew I shouldn't have started writing this one LOL.

There was a catchy song on Triple J just before - My Bush Would Make A Better President, by Digital Primate, some Aussie hip hop or dance artist. With obligatory myspace website, going by the google search. Catchy song, I like the politics of it as well, but hmm, surely they could think of releasing it on a better date than September 11?

Later peeps
Pauly

More MoFo Movies

2006-08-28T22:30:00.000+10:00

The title today of course is inspired by the mofo snakes on that mofo plane in that Samuel L Jackson movie out at the moment, and what does the L stand for anyways. Have seen three good movies the last three weekends - Brick, United 93 and Thank You For Smoking - and you don't often associate August movies with quality.

Smoking was good but not fantastic - not laugh out loud funny as I hoped it would be - or maybe I was just intimidated that there were only three other people in the cinema with me, a mid afternoon Monday session, didn't want to appear to be too loud or something.

Am sure I can go downmarket next weekend though - either Snakes On A Plane or Clerks 2. Dogma was Kevin Smith's last good movie, from what I have heard Clerks 2 is a run away lest ye have thine eyes burnt out kind of disaster. There is a horse sex scene in it apparently, and that's all I had to hear to never want to see it.

Quality movie wise, Jindabyne is supposed to be good, but it has been running a while now, whether it is still on next week is the question. And, like Match Point earlier in the year, one of those critically acclaimed ones that eh, I'm not sure I can really get a lot of enthusiasm up to actually go watch, to pass on those mofo snakes in the multiplex.

We will see, no doubt.

Paul

Silly Mid Off, Sillier Game, Silliest Umpire

2006-08-26T13:51:00.000+10:00

Let's go over to the arcane world of cricket - even though I am a fan of the game myself, and, stranger still, more a fan of the five day traditional type than any bastardized shortened version, I can admit that it can often seem bizarre and weird. Especially this week.

Flashback to last Sunday, and an exciting - keeping it all relative - fourth day of the England v Pakistan test at the Oval in London. England had hammered the Pakistanis in two of the previous tests, but this one Pakistan were well on top, with England fighting to avoid the follow on. Umpire Darryl Hair had a close look at the ball, said it had been tampered with by the Pakistanis, awarded five penalty runs to the English, got the batsmen to choose a new ball, and continued play.

The pendant in me is wondering what those five penalty runs are classed as, byes, no balls or something different? Will have to go have a look at the scorecard sometime or other, but anyways, this happened in the early morning Australian time, so when I logged online and read the news, the penalty runs had been swept aside by something much more strange.

The Pakistanis were a bit unhappy about it all, but played on until the tea break. They didn't return once the tea break was over, even though the English batsmen and umpires had gone out. The umpires went and asked the Pakistanis what was going on, but were asked in return why the ball tampering decision had been made. The umpires went out to the middle again, and took the bails off.

After a half hour or so protest, the Pakistanis came back onto the field, but the English and the umpires weren't out there. Chaos ensued, and the 23,000 spectators were told not a hell of a lot about what was going on either. It seems that both the English and the Pakistanis wanted to keep playing, but the umpires wouldn't come out - technically, taking the bails off when both teams aren't on the field means the end of the match. Technically, Pakistan had forfeited the game.

There have been walk outs by teams from cricket grounds before of course, but none had lasted as long as the Pakistanis on Sunday. Sure, make a protest, sure, ditch an entire session, but surely everyone could have slept on it overnight and catch up some of the wasted time on the final day? Apparently not, and what with Darryl Hair's form for stubborness, he has been the one that has gotten most of the stick.

Hair of course being the one that no balled Muralitharan in 1995. He has hardly umpired a Sri Lankan game since, and the Pakistanis weren't too happy with him late last year for giving a run out when the batter was in his crease but off his feet avoiding the bowler throwing the ball at him. The accepted wisdom on the Indian subcontinent is that Hair is biased against Asian teams.

Pakistan's captain, Inzaman Ul-Haq, was put up on two charges of bringing the game into disrepute - on the ball tampering itself and the protest leading to the forfeiture, and there was talk that if he was banned from the game for up to the eight game maximum, the whole team could leave England. Much scrambling by the English board trying to get replacement teams lined up, either South Africa or the Windies.

I read the news this morning, and Thunderstruck by AC/DC is playing in my head. The most appropriate word, considering what happened in England overnight. The International Cricket Council (ICC) had a press conference in which they stated that Darryl Hair had offered to quit the game, for a non-negotiatiable, not to be publicised fee of half a million dollars (best spoken a la Dr Evil, with little finger at the side of your mouth - or Ren talking to Stimpy would also work).

For about ten minutes there I was laughing out loud thinking 'you dickhead' of Hair's request. On deeper inspection, he would probably make about that much in the four years he was proposing giving up, but the initial reaction was that he was trying his hand at blackmail. You give me money, I go away, or some such.

In discussion with at least three lawyers, the ICC decided to forward the email to the Pakistan Cricket Board as it would likely have an impact on Inzamam's disrepute hearing, and decided to release it to the public because it would likely get leaked anyway.

The gist of further correspondence to that request for money was Hair saying that racism was accused as well, the amount would be reconsidered, Malcolm Speed, the ICC head replying saying the request was inappropriate, and Hair replying back saying yes, he withdrew the request because on further consideration it was inappropriate.

Hair has no chance of ever umpiring another international game ever again, and I would doubt the lower grades will take him either. For the somewhat musty world of test cricket, it has been an insane week.

Funny old game, innit.

Paul

Shanksville, Pennsylvania

2006-08-20T22:22:00.000+10:00

Just a quick one, to give a brief impression of United 93, the movie I saw this afternoon.

I started crying about three minutes in, when the taxi trip to Newark Airport showed the World Trade Centre, pre-8.36am Sept 11 2001, but this wasn't going to be a Hotel Rwanda, where I was basically weeping non-stop.

After that initial scene I didn't cry, I didn't feel a reaction to the movie for a long time - I was trying to reach inside myself to find an emotion to feel when watching the screen, but I couldn't, it was as if I only had a hole in the centre of me that was deflecting all the fear, the horror, the sadness, the tragedy and all that. And that felt wrong to me, not being able to find an emotion - I felt bad because of it.

The on-the-ground scenes at air traffic control and the rest were riveting. I was mentally shouting to the actors up there to think outside the square - the planes have gone under radar coverage over Manhattan, connect the dots, it's so easy to do. But it wasn't, back five years ago - it was unimaginable to connect those particular dots back then.

And at the military base, trying to get rules of engagement, trying to scramble jets to do whatever it was that might have been Plan B, I could just completely feel the frustration at not being able to shape events, to protect America and the absolute silence when the Pentagon was hit.

But still I was trying to find an emotion, any emotion inside myself to connect myself to the screen, other than a sense of detached appreciation that this was very well done. About the final half hour of the movie is focussed completely on what happened on Flight 93, with the growing sense of hopelessness and desperation among those in the air - masterfully done.

The screen went black, a few words came up, and I came to the realisation that I was trembling, my arms were shaking. I had searched for an emotion to connect to for two thirds of the movie, but in the high adrenaline of the ending, I had found it. Terror, in the purest sense of the word.

A must see movie, to take us back to how we reacted, how we felt that day. To forget all the other crap that has happened in the interim, and to focus on what actually happened.

Simply stunning, absolutely moving.

I Blame Robert Jordan

2006-08-20T09:18:00.000+10:00

It has been a long time since I have read fantasy novels - the dragons and sorcery kind of fantasy, not any other sort LOL - and I blame the Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan for that. If I had known that the series would have been eleven books long and with no sign of an end anywhere in the next decade, I may have given it a miss, no matter how good the first six books were. Or no matter how well written the main characters are.

The past four or five books in the series have felt like treading water, while still introducing new characters, bringing back formerly dead ones, and halving the length of the books, making it seem like an endless drip feed. Maybe this is what drug addiction is like, because despite knowing that the next book isn't going to end it all, and may not even be good, you still have to buy it, just to get that extra step closer to some sort of closure.

So I would say that over the past three or four years, my appetite for heroic fantasy has gone downhill quite a bit - this from a guy that used to vociferously read - if I have the meaning of big word of the day vocifierous right - Tolkien, Terry Brooks, Raymond E Feist, Tad Williams, David Eddings, even Terry Pratchett. The last few years though, I have been more into books about crime, terrorism and general non fiction - the new terrorism genre of course morphing from the old cold war spy thriller type of book.

But, for the first time in a long time, I am reading fantasy again, and was so eager to get the next book in a series that, with a chapter still to go on book one, I went around three stores in the city on Friday night to find book two. Yes, from Angus and Robertson to Dymocks to Borders, I was on a mission, and I couldn't wait until later in the weekend to buy it. Step up for the 'I Brought Paul Back To The Genre' Award, Steve Erikson.

And he's Canadian as well - with my experience of that nationality, I guess I better run away now LOL. But of course it is going to be Vancouver's season in the hockey this year, surely?

Off to the movies shortly - United 93 most probably. Not a movie to take a bin of popcorn to - perhaps just a subtle soft drink to moisten the dryest of throats. Haven't felt this much trepidation of going to a movie, but at the same time an overwhelming urge to see something so depressing, since Hotel Rwanda. Remembering back, almost five years ago, to the disbelief, the incredulity, the overwhelmingness of what I was seeing on my TV screen, the sense of what on earth happens next.

The other options for theatre today are Thank You for Smoking, Jindabyne and The Sentinel, but I don't think I can stand to wait to watch United 93 - the tension even, and the possibility of delaying it until September 11 itself. No. It will be distressing enough to watch it on August 20.

And no, I won't even go further into the thought that the monthly death toll in Iraq is the same as America's September 11 2001. Not in a single day, of course, but each month, for the last six months at least, and no sign of any change on the horizon. Not going to go into the opinion pieces I have read in the American papers about Iraq the last couple of days. Nor even the Lebanon pieces...

I have got to steel myself to be depressed seeing a movie, get all the crap of the five years since, let alone the last six months, out of my head. Sometimes I just want to go back to the time, September 10, when Mexico was America's best ally and Dubya was a harmless joke.

Yeah, it has to be United 93 now, thinking this much in the last few paragraphs about That Day.

Babbling now, so I will sign off before babbling more.

Paul

Fully Sick

2006-08-17T20:19:00.000+10:00

Have been a bit under the weather the last few days. It started when I was on the bus on Sunday, and I started feeling chest pains, feeling like my heart was thudding against my ribcage. Being male, I did a bit of shopping, saw a movie although my chest was hurting more and more - by the way, Brick, the movie, big recommendation, although takes a bit to get into.

Anyways, past the hospital twice to town and back and not stopping off to check anything out. My chest still hurting quite a bit. Went to bed, had a sleep, woke up and felt a lot better. But almost as soon as I got into the office Monday morning, I tried to raise my left arm to get my headset off the monitor, and sharp pains shot through me. Told the boss how I felt, made an appointment for the doctor, and headed home.

I shouldn't have had the piece of McDonald's toast though, because that made me miss the train by all of about thirty seconds, and I had to wait another half hour to get home.

Pottered around the house until the appointment at the medical centre, said to the doc that I felt chest pains on Sunday, chest twinges as I was describing them on the Monday - was put on the ECG for about five minutes, checking my heart rate and stuff. Diagnosis was not a heart problem or anything like that, rather I had caught a virus that had inflamed the muscles on my rib cage. Take two panadols every few hours and see how tomorrow goes - and silly me said don't bother with the medical certificate...

Tuesday morning, 3am, I awoke in a big fever, covered in sweat - my ribcage hurt so much it felt ready to crack. Feeling coming and going from my limbs - then trouble breathing. Staggering down the stairs to have a drink of orange juice, and suddenly the feeling of almost panic, of whether I should ring for an ambulance, left. Passing in and out of sleep for the next few hours, dreaming that I had to write a report at work about how sick I was, dreaming that I flaked out, seizure like. So realistic, the only way I knew it was a dream is that I didn't wake up with every muscle and joint sore.

In no situation to go to work with the lack of sleep I had - read a book, slept and web surfed on Tuesday. Got more chills on Tuesday evening and night, so rugged up completely when going to bed that night, and then got completely overheated, headache and all the morning after.

Without a medical certificate, kind of thought that I would need to head back to a doctor for a third day off in a row, but of course with it being Ekka Day, all of 9 to 5 Brisbane was off, including the doctors. Rang the afterhours, but their voice message said that if they thought it wasn't major, they would just recommend seeing a normal hours GP - and I didn't feel that sick.

Still, spent the morning sleeping, the afternoon reading - with a throbbing headache, constant muscle aches, wanting to cough but not being able to breathe deeply enough to do so, as well as sneezing.

Today, the headache had gone, but my throat is still scratchy - but felt well enough to head into the office. Minimal time on the phones though, was working my way through email and fax things to do instead. Was feeling sick earlier this evening, that my lungs and throat were filling with muck, with minimal allowance to cough it all out, but it is okay just at the moment...

Paul

'Unimaginable'

2006-08-12T13:51:00.000+10:00

The alleged terror plot to use liquid explosive to bomb planes flying out of the UK threw up the word 'unimaginable' this week. To use in context by London's Deputy Police Commissioner, 'we are confident we've prevented an attempt to commit mass murder on an unimaginable scale'.

I'm sorry, but my imagination can completely think up a scenario where three planes are bombed over the Atlantic every hour for three hours - especially in light of the fact that there was a similar plan to bomb twelve planes over the Pacific in the 90s. It would have been unimaginable to have happened in that Seinfeldesque 'decade about nothing', but all our imaginations expanded a heck of a lot during and after September 11.

It was unimaginable to think of an entire American city flooded by a hurricane, or would be unimaginable to have a nuclear weapon attack, or a release of plague or something. Actually, I take that back - to think of a cup worth of Iraqi anthrax in a city subway system was actively encouraged at the United Nations before that particular invasion, as was the concept of Saddam with nukes. Weapons of mass destruction anyone? Anyone?

Planes being blown up, even multiple targets, is very imaginable. After seeing the chaos in London on Thursday, also imaginable is an attack on crowded airports, which would screw the travel industry just as much as bringing actual planes down - without the bombers having to go through security checks.

The Twin Towers came down less than five years ago, but it seems another lifetime, a long time in a galaxy far far away. Western politics has thrived on an environment of fear, the concept of being with us or against us, neutering opposition by calling it unpatriotic, and refusing to negotiate with people or countries you disagree with. Or perhaps withered is the better word.

Invading countries and killing people is not the way to win a war on a thing such as terror. For every guerilla, insurgent or terrorist killed in Afghanistan, Iraq, Lebanon or elsewhere, another person will get radicalised enough to join up - especially if civilians are getting killed, raped or tortured. The go to plan of getting the military involved has been tried, but where this has been tested it hasn't quite gone according to the initial plans, let alone considering any new threats (perhaps Iran or North Korea).

Over the past five years, our imaginations have been given too much free rein for much of anything not to have been thought of.

Paul

Water Water Everywhere

2006-08-09T20:48:00.000+10:00

Water in Queensland, or the wider Australian nation, is a sensitive topic. Despite all the other riches in this country, despite the brash national self confidence, despite this state's drive to get another million people to immigrate within the next twenty years, water is about the only thing this place is lacking.

Brisbane, a city of one and a half million people, is in the middle of a drought situation, with serious water restrictions in place - you are not allowed to water outside with hoses and sprinklers, buckets only. Swimming pools however, are exempt, because if too much evaporation took place, the filters would stop cleaning the water, allowing them to become great mosquito breeding pits.

And the restrictions are likely to become more severe in a month or two's time, if the dam levels continue the way they have been - swimming pools may get mandatory covers, to lessen evaporation, and goodness knows how outside watering will be cut further back. The gardening, sprinkler and irrigation industries are already massively affected by the restrictions.

The Gold Coast's dam is full to the brim, and there was a weekend a few months back where the Gold Coasters could water outside to their hearts' content - it didn't come across as the best of public relation exercises to the rest of the South East, and I don't think it has yet been repeated. There was also discussion of an exemption for the watering restrictions for the over-70s - not sure whether that went through or not, but it just appeared to me as if no one else cares for gardens or anything apart from the elderly.

The State Government and the councils have been arguing back and forth about whose responsibility it is as to who has stuffed up water policy the last two decades or so, but nothing seems to be being done. The state government started advertising the last week or so in the newspapers about this new water grid plan they have got - my thinking is that the water crisis has been with us for at least a year, and only now are some plans being written up?

And the Premier has had his 'oh woe is me' look on his face the last couple of weeks, seeming to blame the councils for not doing anything, while still not declaring a state of emergency with the water supplies. And Beattie has taken on the ministerial water portfolio, and there is suddenly talk that the state may have an election sooner rather than later, spurred on by this water situation.

Oh, and Toowoomba had a referendum a couple of weekends ago, to ask whether recycled waste water should be mixed in with the drinking supply. The town voted 61% to reject the proposal, even though the recycled water would be put through more filters than the normal tap supply, seemingly spurred on by the no campaign talking about falling house prices if recycled sewage was used for drinking. The next day, greater restrictions were put on Toowoomba's water usage.

A loaded phrase, either calling it recycled waste water or recycled sewage - and the Premier is promising a referendum in the South East about it, but not until 2008 - what will the lake levels look like then, I wonder? And all the politicians, state and federal, kept ducking supporting the yes campaign in Toowoomba, the town mayor was left out to dry by herself it seemed.

Not to mention that 98% of rural New South Wales is in drought conditions.

The Toowoomba voter decision seemed to me to indicate that it is alright for our water to be pure and untainted by waste water (and you can't tell me that water as it is in the dams is all pure and clean anyways) and house prices won't fall, but in five to ten years when south east Queensland is a desert, will we be worrying about house prices then? Apart from where two million people will be moving to of course.

Oh, and not water related, but very nimbyish - there are scheduled to be another million people living in the south east corner of the state in the next twenty years. Dependent on water of course. One of the levels of government, state I think, proposed putting a new subdivision of ten thousand homes out at Wacol - the locals were on the television saying they would prefer the area to remain green space. Umm, duh - where is everyone else supposed to live if you have your green space?

I do agree with them about the state of the roads out to Ipswich though, they are a nightmare already. But the tunnel underneath the Story Bridge will sort all the traffic out - or should we spend on water infrastructure and new dams? And will there be cars as we know them in twenty years time, what with the price of petrol - or will the airports, to take another petrol related example, continue to expand at speed?

If only there was a Sim City sandbox mode for the real world :P

Paul

Good Articles

2006-08-06T15:51:00.000+10:00

Just a quick one to note a couple of good reads I have had this weekend - just newspaper articles, but of the sort that attract my attention, so much so in fact that I have printed copies out for myself (testing out the new whizz bang scanner printer we have gotten).

This one from the Guardian is basically about the moment where the glass suddenly looks half empty instead of half full, the straw has finally broken the camel's back and such. With wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon - not to mention the not quite genocide in Darfur, nor the probable conflict between Ethiopia and the Islamist factions in Somalia - and North Korea firing missiles, Iran possibly building nukes, along with Gaza being hit by 300 artillery shells per day. Oh, and Condi preaching to the Cubans that they will have democracy soon - because it has been such a hit in Baghdad - oh, civil war is a possibility in Iraq according to the top brass in the Pentagon, whatever happened to Strategy for Victory?

It's all too much to take in sometimes - and V in particular says that I should stay away from newspapers, or at least the international pages in them, and focus on the positives on a more local level. Or even stay away from Australian or Brisbane news and focus on friends and family. Sometimes I would love to just be able to go to mySpace instead of the BBC news site on my web travels, but I am just not hard wired that way.

The second article that has caught my attention this weekend is from the New York Times, about men without college/university qualifications having less chance of getting married than a generation ago, whereas the reverse is true for women - these being American statistics of course. Hmm, I don't have a university qualification...

An interesting article, but hard to summarise or paraphrase it - I don't want to say that women are more financially independent or picky or anything, based on one or two comments in the piece LOL. Or to say that the job market for 'uneducated' men - boy, I dislike that phrase, as if going to lectures is the only sort of education you can have - is more unstable than it was back in the day, or despite how intelligent a person may be, they could never be management material without a series of letters after their names. Or to generalise about how men who don't settle down are therefore always afraid of commitment...

And of course, with reports like the NYT piece, I look at myself, and inwardly shudder.

I am my own worst critic though, in all aspects of my life.

Paul

Bledisloe

2006-08-05T11:30:00.000+10:00

The Bledisloe Cup made its first visit to Brisbane in a decade last week - for rugby union's second city in Australia, that is disgraceful for the biggest game of the year. And don't give me that crap about how England and South African games can possibly compare. Since 1996, Melbourne has had the game twice, and Sydney seven times - plus the World Cup semi.

Of course I support the All Blacks, the Hurricanes and the other Kiwi teams, but I do support the Reds - when they aren't playing Kiwi opposition - because I would like to see the game grow in this part of the world. With no Super 14 coverage on free to air TV and endless AFL coverage, over all three commercial channels no less, it is a bit hard to be a rugby fan here.

Anyways, the ABs won a rather dour encounter, not too much excitement about it, only one try in the match and that was a breakaway, but with a four point margin for over half the match, it was as tense as anything. Could have been more tries, but just too many handling errors.

And what the heck was it with the Wallabies continuing to warm up, using the practise bags, after the haka? And on the haka, what with all the controversy about whether the ABs would do the throat slitting one, I have to admit that it was actually exciting when they did the 'real' haka - I haven't felt that frission of excitement, anticipation, and pure joy to the haka in a long long time.

Anyways, the last time a Bledisloe Cup game was played in Brisbane, ten years ago, the last weekend in July 1996, I was actually in town. Well, flying through on the Thursday and Friday before, on to Singapore, London and two months of Contiki bus touring. I was on the flight that took the Bledisloe across the Tasman, and I held it, had a photo with it, in Wellington airport - teary eyed farewell from the parents for my first big trip overseas, and all I had my eyes on was the Cup.

Not quite perhaps, but it would be funny to embellish that thought into real memory LOL. And then on the plane, sold out full of rugby heads - how did I time my trip to coincide with that? - that ran out of alcohol halfway across the Tasman - for the young ones out there, that was back in the day when alcohol was provided for free on flights, and you actually got a menu that didn't have prices attached, kind of hard to imagine in these low cost airline, charge for everything additional to the actual seat days, of course the fare prices were through the roof but you didn't have sneaky things like taxes or fuel surcharges adding 300% on top of what you thought you were paying...

Anyways, the plane was full of rugby heads, I had a lucky seat draw to win an All Blacks jersey - back in those nostalgic Canterbury before we sold our soul to adidas days - signed by Sean Fitzpatrick. The signature was just in chalk or something, and it rubbed off completely sometime in Europe - after Paris, but before Rome I think.

My mother was saying to me that if I had kept it in mint condition it could be worth a bit nowadays - again, reminiscing, 1996 was before eBay - but Sean Fitzpatrick wasn't my favourite player at the time, so the quicker the signature was gotten rid of, the better. The only thing was, that as soon as he retired, it seemed the ABs lost a lot more matches, maybe that hard nosed, talk to the ref attitude was worth something - although I can't stand George Gregan when he chats for 79 minutes to the referee either.

And what is it with referees and microphones anyway - do we, the audience, actually have to hear them natter away to all and sundry? I long for the old days, when all you heard of the ref was his whistle...

I overnighted in Brisbane, a near airport motel, the connecting flight to Singapore was not until the next day, and this was the first week of the Atlanta Olympics - a few days before, back home, I watched amazed as New Zealand, Danyon Loader, got a swimming gold medal - I would like to see that race again, in the breast stroke I think, because the memory I have of it is that he was about fourth at the final turn before powering in to win the thing. Was simply amazing, because at the time we had not won a swimming gold ever.

Anyways, so the swimming competition from Atlanta was on television the night I stayed in Brisbane ten years ago. If there is anything approaching a national sport in Australia, that unites everyone who loves the summer game or winter football codes, it is swimming - and boy, were they Aussie Aussie Oy Oying when I was watching the box.

Of course, I could have changed the channel, but sport is an easy turn brain off thing to watch, rather than dipping my toes into Australian television of the mid-90s, which, apart from Blue Heelers, I had hardly any experience of.

I could do a whole series of Hotels I Have Been In By Myself if I wanted to - from the overnighting in Brisbane between flights, to Singapore five different languages on television, working up the courage to go out into the hot and humid outdoors, to London, missing my connecting flight back from Belfast, starting to let myself fall apart after ten days of band aiding myself after the disastrous second H trip, to Saskatoon and Vancouver in January, feeling without any direction, the mind numbing coldness outside, the cold numbness inside.

Yeah, Belfast and London I was broken, Saskatoon and Vancouver I was numb. That about best sums it up. And yes, one day I might stop thinking or writing about my Northern Irish experience, but it's not likely to be anytime soon.

I was meaning to keep this on just the one topic, the transit through Brisbane ten years ago, but as usual, my mind sprouted various different thoughts from the one original memory.

More later
Pauly

So Much For Regular

2006-08-03T22:39:00.000+10:00

Well, there I was thinking I would get back into the writing habit, with three entries in three days, and now what is it a week later with nothing more, hmm.

Have been having some weird dreams the last few days - in one, John Howard was at a conference in Indonesia somewhere and was the target of a suicide bomber. Not sure what happened apart from that the riot police came out from everywhere firing tear gas all over the place. Then my workplace turned into the anti terrorism unit from 24, and one of the workmates also turned out to be a bomber of some sort.

A couple of days before that, I had a dream that a dog was following me around, until I went into a fish and chips shop and shooed the dog out - for some reason there was a mixed up map of Denmark and central Africa on the shop wall, instead of the usual species of fish posters. I stepped out to give the dog a chip, but it had got in with a pack of other dogs and was running all over the place.

And then a day or two before that, was just thinking of the 'geography' of my dreams - how in deep sleep the lay of the land as it were seems as real as err real life. How there is a park next to the house in Wellington there, when in fact there was no such thing - how I have dreamed about walking around hills all the time, that remind me so much of the Rimutakas - or the leafy tree shaded school that reminds me of the bus stop in suburban Brisbane that was nowhere near any school.

Or the shopping centre or school where some of my most persistent nightmares as a child occurred - or the grass verge next to the sea, with pohutukawas (New Zealand Christmas trees) in their reddest of blooms. The city square that for some reason reminds me of Warsaw - or the valley with Soviet style statues, an industrial park and a road running along the hill. I'm sure I'm not making any sense, but I am sure it is not only me who has the old familiar dreamscape in my subconscious - sometimes it can feel more real than anything happening while awake.

Yes, I am going to go all Matrix and woah on everyone, deal with it LOL...

Paul

Divorce

2006-07-27T22:00:00.000+10:00

Well, not quite, but was just looking at photos of my brother and his daughter from her first birthday (back in February, that particular website hasn't been updated since), and was thinking of that whole mucked up situation.

Just the look of pride in my brother's eyes as he held my niece, the huge teddy bear that she got for her birthday (which is too big to ship back across the Tasman - well, not without some serious cash, which that side of the issue seems to have issues with, the ex-girlfriend and her mother, who did a smash and grab seeming trip, overnight stay in Brisbane before flying back the next day with the daughter and grand daughter, were even selling some of the stuff that they couldn't take back with them).

Anyways, back to the point, my brother holding my niece, the big bear, the toys in the loungeroom - I don't know about my brother, but if I was a father and had some of the wreckage of a family around while the former partner flitted off to an overseas country, with my child, I wouldn't be happy. Of course, I think I would have tried harder to keep the partnership on an even keel than I think my brother did, but still, if I let myself think about it too long, if it was my kid in a tug of war, I would be heart broken.

Damn, my fatherly instincts coming out. I think I would be a good father perhaps, but of course, need to be in a grounded relationship, and not long distancing, to even think about starting something like that. We will see what happens.

And to have to stay on good terms with the ex to have the hope of visiting occasionally - since the daughter is an Australian citizen, there could have been a fight to keep her in country or something, but it's a fine line between creating a bitter environment and caving in to keep on good terms - if you know what I mean.

Perhaps if I were in my brother's shoes, I would have at least gotten some visiting formulation put down in writing, signed by a JP or lawyer or something, just to ensure that you would see the kid again. Rather than the possibility of short visits, strained with too much emotion, and the daughter asking who is this guy - she is still only eighteen months at the moment.

Of course, there is the long term thought that my niece may get too smothered on that side of things and will rebel in her teens and seek out Dad, but we don't want to play that long a game I would think.

I would have worked much harder to keep a partner onside with a child in the frame - yes, I would probably be victim to the 'it's for the kids' school of relationship thinking, if things started going south.

Enough rambling for the night
Paul

More Lebanon

2006-07-26T20:38:00.000+10:00

US Secretary of State Condi Rice has had her flying visit to the Middle East, and back to the relative calm of Rome for the hastily arranged international conference to try and set up some sort of international consensus. Basically as soon as she had left Jerusalem, the Israelis ramped up the bombing of Lebanon again.

A United Nations observer post got bombed today, four blue berets killed, and yesterday a Red Cross ambulance got hit by a missile in the south of the country - luckily with that, it was only injuries rather than any deaths, although there was an amputation involved. And there was a heartbreaking report, both in the Guardian and the New York Times on Sunday, about a minivan with a dozen family members getting hit with a missile - a mother dying in her son's arms. Another Israeli hater created...

The UN Secretary General went off at the Israelis for that attack earlier today, saying it may be that the UN post was deliberately targetted, to which the Israelis said preposterous and not to judge the situation before any investigation - although the UN posts probably haven't moved in like twenty years. Just throws me back to that Gaza beach incident about two weeks before that particular front restarted, when a shell hit the beach and killed a family of seven - in that case, the Israelis didn't admit responsibility for any incoming shell...

Just the footage from Lebanon is stunning in it's destruction - Rumsfeld's Shock and Awe tour of Baghdad in 2003, doesn't even come close. South Beirut is like a major earthquake zone, rubble piling on rubble, and south Lebanon's road system has been torn to shreds - huge craters in the roads, cars that have been attacked or crashed either in the craters on at the sides of the roads.

Was reading a report in one of the papers tonight that said the death toll in Lebanon isn't anywhere near where it is likely to be, what with the reports from hospitals and morgues on the ground, the fact that a lot of bodies are probably in cars by the roadside or under buildings, and the oncoming crisis that is the no food, water and sanitation situation brought on by both the war and blockade.

And no doubt the Americans will disown Iraqi democracy shortly as they did with the Palestinians - the Iraqi PM is touring Britain and America at the moment, and is saying an immediate ceasefire is needed, rather than the 'durable' ceasefire tweedledum and tweedledee seem to be wanting. Tony Blair had an interesting press conference earlier in the week, where not wishing an immediate ceasefire was, by common sense I would think, equated with allowing more civilians to come under fire and probably die.

That microphone conversation that Blair and Bush had at the G-8, probably turned on and then leaked to the media by their host, Vladimir Putin, Blair was doing his earnest trying to help thing, and got slapped down by Bush saying Condi will get there, eventually, while taking bites of a bread roll. And Tony spluttering for about a minute after that - very funny, if it wasn't so tragically pathetic.

And one of the Democrat senators in Washington, Schumer I think, is saying why are we allowing the Iraqi PM to address Congress when he isn't trashing Hizbullah. Yes, you can have democracy, but only if you are lapdog-like to the power of Washington - regime change in Baghdad again perhaps?

Oh, and with 100 people a day dying in Iraq the last month, and more casualties there than in the Hizbullah war since that started, Bush and the Pentagon are reallocating troops from the provinces to Baghdad, civil war central. That will puncture the Administration a bit more before the mid-terms.

Part of the reason I have been a bit slack in my blogging lately, is reading reports from Iraq and Lebanon, and, to be honest, the way some of those reports are written, it is a bit intimidating to even think of ever writing again. Especially the report from the roadside on the weekend (NYT and Guardian), and a Washington Post series on the screw ups in Iraq in 2003/04.

I could only dream of writing as well. But, getting back on the horse of regular writing, I will just slog away in my little corner of internetland and try, try, try.

Paul

Family Illness

2006-07-25T19:47:00.000+10:00

Hmmph - have been reading the newspapers online end to end the last week or so, that both my blog and my appreciation of life within my own little bubble, not meaning battles half a word away, has gone downhill a bit the last week. But back to blogging on a regular basis hopefully...

My grandfather has been in hospital the last week. A flare up of pneumonia again, which he hasn't quite seemed to kick the last few months - last weekend, he went to bed on Friday night, wouldn't get out of bed on Saturday, and then when he did get out, to the bathroom, on Sunday, he got there, but when trying to come back his legs gave out and he couldn't stand. Also having the 'usual' hallucinations as well, which he has when he is sick.

My grandmother rang my uncle, who lives around the corner from them, who then insisted they ring the ambulance - my grandparents have all the bells and whistles and panic buttons and all to go straight through to the paramedics, but they either don't want to cause the fuss or are too proud to actually use it - I guess I can't comment until I get into my seventies to see whether that is a valid point of view or not, but from the viewpoint of forty years in age away, it seems a bit silly.

So he has been in the hospital the last week - it wasn't looking so good last Monday and Tuesday, as he was being 'a bit of a handful' as the hospital staff were saying. He was sure the nurses were playing up with the other patients and wanted to leave, he tried to throw a fire extinguisher through a first floor window - the security guy was amazed when he caught up with my grandfather, for someone who was having trouble standing a few hours before.

But over this weekend, the news sounded better - he was responding well to whatever treatment they had put him on, and he was likely to be out of hospital mid week rather than later on. It's all kicking on from the cancer he has had diagnosed for the past seven or eight years of course - there was a time there where we weren't sure whether he would be around for his fiftieth wedding anniversary, which was June 2000.

And of course, thinking that I haven't seen the grandparents for a good eighteen months now, and was remember how leaving at the airport it was awkward because I wasn't sure when I would be back again - also what the situation would be when I got back. I was having a vague idea that I would get back over next February, but it always strikes at my heart when bad things health wise are happening over there...

Should I get over now, can I leave it any longer, say next February, and guiltily, remembering that the last time I was over, my grandfather was in fine form. The alternate being to see him sickly now. Evil cowardly thinking of course, but I do have to admit that it is there.

Enough of the maudlinity, if that is a word...

Paul

Is The West Winning?

2006-07-19T22:47:00.000+10:00

With the latest news from Lebanon humming in the background, I have been thinking. No, not too depressed and introspective today, but still angry at what is happening - a simmering anger rather than a rage, as it were.

Israel is bombing Lebanon back twenty years, Iraq is in the midst of a sectarian civil war, the Taleban is resurgent in southern Afghanistan - the question is are we winning?

We being the liberal democratic West, and the thing we may or may not be winning being either the war on terror, or the winning of hearts and minds, or the hope that we are having an actual war on terrorism, rather than a general war on Islam.

There is a phrase in Australia at the moment, that of an arc of instability from Indonesia to the South Pacific. I feel, and fear that the major arc of instability at the moment goes all the way from the Egyptian border, through Gaza and Lebanon, Iraq, Iran all the way to Afghanistan and probably Pakistan.

And the news coming out of the part of the world is not good - there have been no liberal democracies built up, or even looking like being built up, in the past five years since 9/11. And even when democracy is allowed to take place, the 'wrong' parties seem to be winning. That was written tongue firmly in cheek, if only the elections and consequences thereof were funny in the real world...

And ever since Bush took over the Presidency in 2001, he has never appeared to be interested in either the Israeli/Arab situation or negotiating with people he disagrees with at all. There has always been a roadmap to peace, that the Arabs or their militias had to stop terrorism, to disarm, to always do that one step first before the Israelis had to do anything, like stop building settlements in the West Bank. Or the one about the idea that the Americans will 'allow' the Israelis one more week of carnage in Lebanon before Condi even considers getting her feet wet in the situation.

Or the fact that Bush seems to think that if only 'someone' talked to the Syrians that Hizbullah would be sorted out. How stunningly naive, especially when his Administration is so black and white, with us or against us, that he obviously doesn't consider that America could be the someone to talk to the Syrians or Iranians - or North Koreans, but that's another crisis altogether.

Yes, of course if someone talks to Damascus, then everything will be okay again, Hizbullah will automatically put their missiles away, the Lebanese will obviously be all sweetness and light towards their southern neighbour who have damaged most of the country's infrastructure, oh, and maybe Iran will also decide to give away their nuclear ambitions.

Thinking nasty words to say of the US President, but will keep them in my head for now.

My thought is that we are not winning, that the anti-Israeli, anti-American, anti-Western forces will get stronger the more 'Operation Bomb Back To The Stone Ages' we have, and that we truly need to take a step back, a deep breath, and wonder what we are trying to do with the Arab world. Because to me, at the moment, we sure as heck aren't helping them.

And also step back and take a deeper breath with the sight of next week's oil prices.

Paul

Very Weird Subconsciousness

2006-07-17T22:22:00.000+10:00

Have had a couple of very strange dreams the last couple of days, and I mean very strange.

Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, I dreamt that I was watching a TV show or something, because the main character was a woman, and that obviously wouldn't be me, whereby the woman got into some city or other at the railway station, and a couple of blocks walk to the nearest hotel or hostel, not sure which. There are two other friends, one guy, one woman, and the main girl gets recruited by the FBI, although she swans around the office, not doing much of anything.

Then this FBI girl finds out that her friend from the train station is a double agent or something - and the way the FBI head honchos find out is that they have been using the main girl as bait, have bugged her without her knowing. Which is kind of embarrassing due to the fact that she slept with a workmate or superior the night before LOL.

Second dream, from this morning, is the really weird one. I dreamt, and this is going to get Homeland Security reading my blog, that I was prepared to become a suicide bomber. Going to a bar or err strip club at night, the day before I was due to martyr myself, and not quite getting to my hotel room that evening. My friends and family were looking for me, because they had an idea I had gone off the deep end or something - they found me, but I can't remember the conversation I had with them that much, because I was preparing myself.

Rather than excited or nervous or scared or any of those emotions, I think I remember feeling I just wanted it over with, a sense of exhaustion with living or something. The last bit I can remember is putting my socks on, and for some reason there were a million pins in them - like the small ones you find in packet shirts, I was taking them out slowly but the more pins I took out, the more of them appeared. On my big toe, there were so many of them to take out that my toe was soon an unrecognisable bloody mess - putting back on myself what I was likely about to do perhaps?

Or maybe I shouldn't have written down what I have been dreaming, because with anti terrorism laws the way they are, tomorrow night I could be arrested or something - seditious writing perhaps.

My subconscious is becoming stranger by the day. And yes, scarier.

Paul

Gloom

2006-07-16T18:01:00.000+10:00

It has been another weekend where I have had to convince myself, force myself to do anything, to go out. So I did go out to the local shopping centre, but only because I needed a book to read on my weekly commute - was almost as if I was seeking inspiration when I was down there, which I don't really think was found with donuts, milkshakes or burgers. Almost felt overwhelmed by the crowds, which is surprising, because it was just a normal Sunday, people wise.

It took me three visits to the two bookstores in there to decide on a book to get - even though the true story of some Adelaide serial killers sounded interesting, I didn't want to depress myself further I thought. Maybe in a couple of weeks or months I will be up to reading about torture and cannibalism, but just not today - was trying to find something uplifting, or at least slightly positive. Even books about fictional crimes or fictional takes on geopolitics - California versus Mexico in a near future civil war perhaps - seemed a bit too close to the bone, so I spent ages trying to find a fantasy book I could get my teeth into.

Not sure what it is, whether it is the Robert Jordan series that just keeps going on and on, or the whole post September 11 thing where geopolitics or non fiction was more interesting as a subject, but I have really gone off fantasy and science fiction as a genre the last few years. But I got one today, so hopefully I can get into the genre again - one of the problems is that there are so many series on the shelves that don't have a book 1 available, instead books 2 through 4 etc. Maybe I should sign up to Amazon or one of the Aussie bookseller sites...

And was thinking of getting a computer game as well, but seriously, there are just so many variants of empire building, sports management or simulated cities or people games that you can have. And am always worried that I will bring these whizz bang games home and the five year old PC won't be able to handle it. Wouldn't mind getting into one of these online World of Warcraft kind of games, but again, would probably need broadband to get the most of it - yes, yes I am still on dial up. So, no computer game bought today, and not buying more than I need to does save money, or mean that I can pay more off my debt.

And that is what it all comes back to lately - the debt repayment. Should take about another six to nine months on the latest projections, but while I am doing that it just feels like my life is on hold. I don't feel I can do much of anything until I do pay it off - from the small things of obviously not being able to buy a computer or get broadband if I don't know whether I will be in Brisbane or at least the familial home this time in however many months, to the big things of making decisions on where to live for example.

Work has sucked the last couple of months, although surprisingly the last couple of weeks I have been doing okay - one day last week I actually hit all the daily targets I should for like the first time ever - but unsure whether to keep in a holding pattern for the next however many months or to contemplate finding a career path in there, it is a nationwide concern so I could move around if I did want to stay in the company.

That's how I am feeling in general at the moment, that things are in a holding pattern, that I am putting too much emphasis on the financial stuff - of course, my own damned fault for getting into that trouble in the first place - and that I could be concentrating on other stuff in my life just as much. I would like to have friends in this state that I could go to movies with, that I could go to shopping malls with, but one of the worst habits I have gotten into was doing things by myself - I guess I have been too much of a loner for most of my life.

I feel like most of the friends I have had in my life, especially from back home, New Zealand, have fallen by the wayside and that is mostly my fault for not keeping in touch enough. I could make friends in Brisbane, apart from workmates who I don't feel comfortable with asking to do weekend stuff with, but if I am going in a short time, it takes so much effort to make good friends. Making friends in general is easy, but making friends that you can do stuff with, meaning stuff more than just Friday drinks, not so easy.

And of course, the specific cause of this weekend's specific gloom is the Middle East situation. Speaking purely personally, I feel that no matter who started what - was it Hizbullah capturing the two Israeli soldiers, was it Israel for the 1982 invasion that helped start Hizbullah, was it the Arab nations for sabre rattling in 1967, was it Sykes and Picot for supporting the Arabs in the First World War whilst secretly promising the Jews their homeland in 1916 - no matter what the history is leading up to all this, the fact is that Israel is the regional bully. Plain and simple.

They have held two million Palestinians in occupation for forty years - and don't give me the well they let Gaza go free story, yes, the Israeli military may have left the territory, but with no port, no airport, no access to the outside world apart from the Rafah crossing to Egypt, how was Gaza ever supposed to detach itself from Israel.

On the northern front, if you are really trying to destroy Hizbullah, which, by the way, Israel hasn't been able to do for over twenty years, sure, destroy all the infrastructure in the south of the country, but why blockade the entire country, bomb the airport, collectively punish the entire country for one militia's vendetta towards you - oh, that's right, the Israeli policy, as reported on the wires, is to get the rest of Lebanon so angry at Hizbullah that the rest of Lebanon gets the militia under control. A bit of dodgy psychology there, to go against a party that isn't bombing the heck out of the country - caused a war, sure, but isn't currently bombing Lebanon itself...

But the gloom is that which I think is found whenever you come up against an example of bullying, the absolute feeling of impotence, of uselessness I feel on this side of the globe. Yes, I do know there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation, but people say that as if I shouldn't get angry or depressed about the situation at all. And yes, the gloom affects me by giving me guilts about even attempting to enjoy myself at say, a movie cinema or shopping mall.

Sorry about the length of this one, and I'm sure I've lost most of the readership, but some issues I just can't keep quiet about.

Paul

It's Going To Get Worse

2006-07-14T22:43:00.000+10:00

The Israel versus Everyone Else story, I mean in the title, it will get worse before it gets better. From the 'normal' storyline of the Palestinians in Gaza getting smashed over the last couple of weeks after some militants killed two Israeli soldiers and kidnapped another, to the very worrying escalation in Lebanon the last couple of days, where Hezbollah killed eight Israelis and kidnapping two, and Israel going ballistic on Beirut.

One soldier kidnapped equals one and a half million people in Gaza under siege, with little electricity, little supplies, constant bombardment. Two kidnapped soldiers equals Lebanon under air, sea and partial land blockade, Beirut under bombardment, and Syria threatened in keeping well out of things. God knows what a higher casualty toll would entail - maybe if four got abducted, we would see Tehran getting nuked.

Unless the Israeli high command expects to be able to exterminate the Palestinians and the Shia Lebanese, trying to bomb them back twenty years is not going to create anything positive , and more than likely inspire countless more intifadas. Iran and Syria look like buddying up if either of them are attacked - and if the Americans think Iraq has been a mess til now, I can only imagine what it will be like once the Iranians are truly pissed off.

Talking of the Americans, it's very worrying that they are telling everyone to calm down, but allowing Israel to defend itself (by blowing up a territory and blockading and bombing an entire different country), while thinking that one day we will get back to a road map for peace, on both the Lebanese and Palestinian counts. What fucking road map, what fucking peace??

Too angry to write anything more even hoping to masquerade as anything less than absolute bile. Oh, and with oil nudging $US78 a barrel, there goes the world economy...

More later
Paul

Holiday and World Cup Final

2006-07-11T21:39:00.000+10:00

And the winners of the World Cup this time around are Italia. Good luck to them, what with the match fixing investigation horror going on at home in the off season, the big question is will Juventus be demoted two divisions. Would certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons - and I do feel sorry for Zizou, if I were called a dirty terrorist I would probably take a swing at the abuser as well. Although the fourteen red cards in his international career, hmm - why did the Italians need to get so gritty when they can play so well?

Or I just heard it may have been something about Zidane's family dying, with his mother seriously ill it must have hurt. Still, didn't stop him being the player of the tournament.

I did sweet bugger all with my five days off in the end - I got out of the house twice, caught one movie (Click), bought a couple of books and a couple of CDs. Just felt better staying at home though, and got told I looked refreshed at work today, which was nice.

Another crap busy day at work, but I wasn't letting it get to me, water off a duck's back is the best analogy I can come up with. Not caring as much as usual cuts both ways though - my customer service can be a bit off, but on the positive side I don't get stressed. It's a delicate balancing act, and for the customer I don't really want to have too many Iceman days :)

More soon
Paul

My Fave Chili Peppers Song

2006-07-10T16:31:00.000+10:00

I'm a little pea
I love the sky and the trees
I'm a teeny tiny, little ant
Checking out this and that

And I am nothing - ahhh
So you have nothing to hide
And I'm a pacifist
So I can fuck your shit up

Oh yeah, I'm small
Oh yeah, I'm small

Fuck you asshole
You homophobic, redneck, dick
Big and tough and macho you can kick my ass

So fucking what

So fucking what

So fucking what

So fucking what

Says it all really :)

Rage This Weekend

2006-07-08T23:52:00.000+10:00

The programme, people, not the emotion. Tonight's playlist hits a lot of the spots for a 90s music era guy such as myself - Sex and Candy, Marcys Playground for starters.

Well, for starters after the sublime Today by Smashing Pumpkins. Fave line out of that, for err obvious reasons, is about pink ribbon scars never forgetting, trying the best to cleanse regrets. Yes, I have self esteem issues okay LOL.

Big Me by Foo Fighters, No Rain by Blind Melon - ahh, those were the days. Or at least those were the days that did not involve Metallica or Rage Against The Machine or Chili Peppers or, err, Bob Marley. The cream of the alternate crop brought to you in a yearly dosage called Triple J's Hottest, because, being in New Zealand at the time, we didn't have direct access to the radio station ourselves.

That's what they should have on Rage, so I don't have all these fake memories of listening to 'alternate' bands in the early nineties, a Metallica and Sepultura and Pantera night LOL. And me with a hipflask of bourbon, a keg of beer, and some actual friends around. Wouldn't it be nice...

Paul

Let's Get It (Re)Started

2006-07-07T09:29:00.000+10:00

Hmm, five days since my last post - if this was a report card, I would be saying to myself 'must try harder'. I also have let my photo website slip, and a couple of days this week have only been online half an hour at most - World Cup news is about all I have been actively searching for, otherwise it has been passively seeing what's on the news websites basically. Also have been withdrawing into myself quite a lot the last couple of weeks, haven't been talking as much to anyone as usual, especially those not in Brisbane directly in my line of sight.

Went into a chatroom yesterday, for the first time in approximately six months - was only on there for half an hour at most, probably less actually. Was rolling my eyes almost as soon as I got there - the same old same old, the virtual hugging, the virtual flirting, the virtual stalking (well, guys just going on there asking for girlfriends every twenty seconds). And that scene was my main socialising outlet for hmm two or three years, and I was fully into it - the hugging and flirting, to clarify, I mean. 'Met' some nice people out of it, emphasis on some, but am looking back on that time and have to admit I was a dickhead as much as anyone else around the rooms...

There was a very stupid 1900 poll on Sunrise last week - yes, stupider than the whole pay to vote and it doesn't become public policy anyways - on whether smokers and drinkers should pay for their own health care if they end up in hospital. Two thoughts, that would work only if we made the heroin addicts, the cocaine fiends, all those meth drones pay for their own healthcare as well - which would take a lot of pressure off the health system, but we would have thousands dying from overdoses every year - and then was thinking about the way Prohibition worked, and also the wonderful succcess making marijuana illegal has been. Because you can't get dope at all in this country, oh no.

The whole new Queensland law of banning smoking where food may possibly be served - in real terms, banning smoking from public areas, including bars, clubs and pubs, altogether. Yeah, second hand smoke can be dangerous, but of course let's go on serving alcohol, which often brings out the worst in people, let alone the drink driving dangers. If something is legal, it should be freedom of choice where or where you don't partake in that legal activity, and as for private property, it should be up to the owners of the premise (be it a pub, club, or private property) whether smoking is allowed there - not a government diktat.

Anyways...

Italy v France in the World Cup final eh. And yes, the burn out has occured this World Cup as previously - watching a lot of the games at the start of the comp, when it is coming to crunch time I have been setting my alarm for 4.50am to wake up and catch the games, but haven't been able to get the motivation to get up. Need sleep more is the thinking, but will catch the final, and may catch the 3/4 match...

More soon hopefully - not another five day delay perhaps.

Paul

It Doesn't Take Much To Keep Me Happy

2006-07-02T21:47:00.000+10:00

Well, over the past several days I have been thinking about writing about Big Picture kind of stuff - like, why do people blog, the I'm here, I exist, I mean something kind of thinking, that I am sure almost all the six and a half billion people on the planet try to express as I do - or the fact that I am putting some stuff together in my head, of what I want and require, and was thinking of writing up a manifesto or something...

But instead, I am bouncing away happily here to the CD in the player - Fatboy Slim's Best Of, especially Weapon of Choice. Which I actually thought would be the only thing tacked onto the singles from You've Come A Long Way Baby - but we do have the dance versions of Brimful of Asha and Groove Armada Shakin That Ass - as well as the DVD of the videos. How could I go past it when it had the videos attached :)

And that of course comes on top of watching a top notch movie - well, maybe not in the same league as Schindler's List or something, but I quite enjoyed watching The Break Up, nice observations on a disintegrating relationship - some laughs, some spots closer to the bone than I expected (friendly guy who doesn't let anyone in extra close, sound familiar?). As well as one great trailer - Thank You For Smoking, anything with Rob Lowe looking sleazy is half way good - Austin Powers, Waynes World come to mind. But really, my movie watching schedule has gone to crap the last few months.

And got a book with an intriguing premise - that it snows for a year straight and the world is covered with three miles worth of permafrost. Was in the sci fi section of the bookstore, but not written in your usual over-wordy geek speak. Am already in a long way, and feel that it will be one of my read in two or three days books - in a good way of course.

So, the personal manifesto and analysis of human need and such will have to wait until later. I am working through a lot in my head though, so I am making progress - just a shame that I need to get motivated for my photography thing again, everything else on the net I can take or leave, but photography I feel I need to immerse myself in to really enjoy it.

Oh god, just felt I sounded like that weird kid in American Beauty - with a three minute portion of a plastic bag skipping around in the wind. A lot of good moments in that movie, the plastic bag was not, repeat not, one of them. But one thing there was right out of that movie, there is a lot of beauty on this planet, if you look for it.

I'll get my way out of the ugliness, the why botheredness of the past wee while soon, I promise.

Paul

Perth

2006-06-29T22:23:00.000+10:00

An eight year old girl was killed in Perth over the weekend, molested and murdered in the disabled toilets at a shopping centre. She had been out shopping with her brother and uncle, and they had just lost sight of her, going to the men's themselves, for a few minutes. And people were saying Australia's loss in the soccer was tragic.

An absolutely heartbreaking story, I can't wish to imagine how it was finding the body, but it made me feel like doing something worthy for the world. Taking customer phone calls for anonymous company A is not a world-worthy job - perhaps a policeman? No, I'm too short for recruitment and I would have to become Australian.

Going back to that old regular of being some aid agency employee out in the big wide world or something. But then, I checked a few years ago, they don't want know nothing generalists, if you can't bring expertise then you might as well stay at home.

And a couple weeks ago was the obligatory ER in Africa episode - Carter in Darfur this time instead of the Congo. Foreign correspondent for those who don't watch the news, including my parents who said 'what's happening in Darfur?' to me. And yes, I know I probably overdose on international news, but Darfur has been in the news almost as long as the Iraq invasion.

Then I was telling them that international troops are going to get there eventually one day, and my mother said, oh, it would just be another foreign place in the news, it would be better off to leave them to it - or words to that effect. And to think, I'm pretty sure I was a conservative when I was in high school, oh the liberalising tendencies a nervous breakdown can give.

There is a lot of ugliness in the world - I actually had a good day today, and hope that the next entry will be a bit more positive.

No, not even going to attempt to unravel the Gaza situation at this time of night.

Paul

Another Glorious Start To The Week

2006-06-28T22:11:00.000+10:00

Well, that was a good start to my day yesterday - the train was twenty minutes late, meaning I was five minutes late into the office, the customers were besieging the office, well, the phones, but allusions of Leningrad or Stalingrad have come to mind often the last few weeks, and finally my computer refused to let itself get started for about twenty minutes.

Exactly what I didn't need with the weekend I had had. I wasn't angry for any length of time, that quickly made way to disappointment, which quickly led to a complete sense of emptiness. Wracked with indecisiveness, should I go out, should I stay home, home is safe and don't need to think about anything more complex than refighting WW2 against a computer opponent. Even fleeing online to an extent, on Sunday I am sure I was only on for twenty minutes all day.

Indecisive enough to not go out until Monday (which I had off) and even then, thinking where should I go for lunch, which direction should I take, should I get on the bus (movies, shopping centres, mindless consumerism what joy in that), or should I keep walking. Yesterday, at work, it was similar at lunchtime, no idea where I was walking to, no particular place to go...

Just a bit lost inside myself I think - today was good though, but will leave it here and get some sleep I think.

Paul

When It All Falls Apart

2006-06-24T09:28:00.000+10:00

I am just so unmotivated to do much of anything this morning. I am going through my emails, unless it is something I can guess to be actually personal I hardly ever read the airline/bookstore/random website I signed up to god knows when subscriptions, or alternately the email jokes or inspirational pieces that are sent around the world five million times.

But now I am going through them with a vengeance and deleting deleting deleting - cute puppy dog pictures, rescued from Katrina, you are going STRAIGHT into the bin, don't even need to go beyond the first paragraph or picture for that decision. Just feeling ultra cynical, why the heck do I bother kind of morning.

I had an okay night last night, but two bits just have got me riled a bit, in the why do I bother trying to be nice and polite all the time. Was KSM's leaving drinks thing, and wasn't a big turnout actually - me, KSM, TDE, KDE, KLA, CMC and SPE out of our group, along with assorted others from different floors or companies, I didn't really feel in the mood to get details.

Our group of 'regulars' for socialising gets less each leaving thing we have - and then I think do I really want to be considered a 'regular', however funny Cheers was, Norm, Cliff and Frasier were losers, when you really think about it. All the self doubt comes spilling back out, that I am just there to make up the numbers, whether I am there or not doesn't really matter.

Did a bit of drinking, did a bit of dancing, the usual self doubt about whether I am making a dick out of myself, but nothing major. However, when a guy that I had been talking to for five minutes asked whether I 'batted for the other side', as in whether I was gay - I think the conversation was about failed relationships or something, but I don't think I said anything that would indicate my relationships were with guys - that threw me for a bit. Not much admittedly, because then I was saying don't worry about it, his mistake. Why the fuck am I so roll over and play dead nice?

It didn't really bug me at the time, but on the train home I was thinking about it, and it was making me angrier and angrier. If a guy I have been talking to for five minutes thinks that, is that the impression that almost everyone gets of me? And what are the warning signs that you are talking with someone who plays for the other side? It's not exactly my fault that the guy I get on best with in this city is gay, and would the fact that I am not leering over every woman within a twenty metre radius make me that way? I would like to call it respect, or at worst a sense of intimidation LOL.

As Seinfeld said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that', and I try to stay true to liberal ideals of what happens between consenting adults is their business only, it's just that I'm not one myself - and the thing is, it's not the first time something like that has been thrown my way. V's former friend, during an argument which began the former aspect of things, apparently said that I was gay but just didn't know it. Also in my late teens and early twenties, it got thrown at me quite a bit by both guys and girls - and in the most derogatory sense usually thank you.

So I'm not a six foot gorilla who treats women like shit and plays footy. So the fuck what. Oh, I'm heated alright, and it makes a difference to the apathy I have had the rest of the morning. Oh, that was the other time someone has come out and asked if I was gay directly, when I had my nervous breakdown at seventeen - as if only gay people can get depressed thank you very much.

Measured next to that, the second incident of the evening doesn't seem so major now - the remaining girls that I know well enough were leaving, well they went and powdered their noses before leaving, I waited while they did all that, rather than stay with the people I didn't know so well, and then left with them - or at least I thought I would, the friend of a friend that was leaving with them turned around to me and said they were going to have a girl's night out now, seeyoulaterthanksbye - and that cut me up a bit more.

That was the first I had heard that kicking on to another bar would be girls only, and it was bouncing around my head that I had either done something wrong, or whether cutting me loose was just that friend of a friend's initiative at running interference, as I think one of the American football terms has it.

Fuck being nice, polite, respectful and all that anymore - but as if I could follow through on that plan. I would love to console myself with the thought that it was their loss not to have me around longer - it was only a quarter past ten after all - and the idea that it doesn't matter what others think, I know what is going on in my own head, regards the gay reference. But both issues still cut, deeper than I should have let them.

It's times like these that I wonder what I am doing in Brisbane, what I am doing with my life, what I actually want out of my existence, and yes, I will admit, there were a few tendrils of that old black regular, depression, starting to wind their way around my heart last night, threatening to suffocate me. It's not enough to be a great worker, as my boss said earlier in the week, I need some friends, some real friends who would actually notice me, instead of being a 'beer night out' regular.

And now I just want to build that emotional wall back up, imprisoning myself again, cutting myself off. Block myself off for a time, figure out what I want, what I need, where I can get it, and other such deep and meaningfuls. Damn my financial misdeeds between 2000 and 2004 - talk about paying for your mistakes - when all I want to do right at the moment is up and leave everything here, or to fall back in on myself.

And yes, I do realise that last paragraph, the last sentence was overly dramatic, but it needed to come out. Hopefully this weekend forms into something more constructive than just blobbing around the house, but that would require some positive energyy, and we will see how things go on that front...

Pauly

Finally

2006-06-22T21:17:00.000+10:00

A bit of time, when I'm not too tired, which has been bugger all in the evenings this week - also sweet eff eh in the mornings, daytimes, nights. Has been a totally exhausting week. Looking forward to beer o'clock tomorrow, celebrating/commiserating KSM leaving the job - off to do university stuff for four years, good luck and all that...

Monday and Tuesday, if you got the idea in the previous couple of entries, were horrendous. Too much holiday leave, too much sick leave, us suckers who are healthy and not holidaying got it in the neck, like a guillotine. Horrid horrid horrid. I have had annoying days at the job before, but seriously, Tuesday and yesterday I just did not want to be there. But the last couple of days, the care factor I almost always have at work has been scorched off big time - the meh, whatever school of thought, of the if/when it ever happens teachings...

Have had a good couple of chats to the boss the last couple of days - one was my annual performance review, the other was just a general err whinge session. Less said about the whinge session the better - apart from the fact that I have dispensation to try and do my work differently, hopefully more efficiently, having to retrain my brain in how to do things - but onto the performance review.

In a sentence, I am my own worse critic in there, but the boss loves me. No not in the sexual harrassment way, in the she thinks I am the hardest worker and indispensible to her team sense. And of course I can only look at the ways I am failing at the job. One good thing I do at the job is make up useless sentences full of long words that sound good in a review setting though LOL.

Was thinking of my long experiences in office jobs, and thinking back to my first one, how eager I was to join every staff improvement committee, how I volunteered to be deputy team leader - when I was all of about twenty. Ten years later, just too much cynicism and office politics has taken the edge off enthusiasm for it all - or maybe it is just that I read too many Dilbert cartoons, and the point where they were no longer just funny, but wow man that is soooo true to life blah blah, maybe that's when I lost my spark.

Or maybe if I shifted to a job which isn't so stats driven, I may find enthusiasm for team stuff and improvement again. Just sometimes feel it's been ten years of going through the motions - too many committees against sexual harrassment, discrimination, or striving for continual improvement - it's too easy to fall into the 'oh great one of these courses I can switch off my brain' mindset.

In my case, if it is common sense and I follow it, as much as possible in my real life, eh, I don't know what I am trying to say here, just would be nice to not be cynical for once - my latter year Gen Xness is shouting at me to stop thinking, quite happy cynical thank you very much...

Beer o'clock tomorrow though - big decision of the night is whether to wake up at 5am tomorrow to see Australia v Croatia in the football. Have been a bit slack with my final group game watching, although I did catch the first half of Portugal Mexico last night, good game - damn not scheduling my leave appropriately LOL - have a friend back home in Wellington who every World Cup takes that month off so he doesn't have the distraction of work to contend with at all. Total football indeed :)

More tomorrow, or perhaps Saturday
Pauly

Work Again

2006-06-20T21:49:00.000+10:00

Just a quick one tonight, need some sleep and relaxation. Work today was take yesterday's comments, stress and such, multiply by two. As much fun as watching France at the World Cup the last couple of games.

To sleep, perchance to dream.
Paul

Work Sucked

2006-06-19T21:33:00.000+10:00

There, I think I put it just as plainly as I possibly could. Today has to have been one of the worst days I have had in my current office. About half the phone teams were away from work today, either with days off or sick leave or maternal or paternal leave, and we got absolutely hammered with calls.

There is a point up to which you can be behind the eight ball and try to catch up, but we fell through that point and kept on screaming downwards at about 1pm. You feel somewhat taken advantage of, by not having any sick leave, taken for granted that you will continue to do your best - and then you get hammered from the angle of people looking at your personal stats.

Personal stats is a thing that works best when you don't think about them - if you are struggling through a marsh like environment and feel like you are drowning in quicksand, of course you are going to be less motivated to keep climbing on up that damned hamburger hill. That is what I was thinking today, feel like those of us who are really conscientious and such at the place it feels like we are putting ourselves into meat grinders - surely the levels of stress I and others are feeling at the place isn't healthy?

Really have thought about quitting the last week or so at work, which is so unlike me - I have the job of paying off my debts, and want to keep options open when I do so, but another six months of this I'm not sure whether I can handle.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better - ever the sucker, I will head in LOL.

Pauly

Poseidon In Double

2006-06-17T01:16:00.000+10:00

I just saw the remake of Poseidon at the cinema earlier in the week, and they are replaying the original seventies one on Channel Seven at the moment. Am only catching the last wee bit due to the fact that I was more intent on watching the Argies go mad in their football match.

Now I have heard that the original Poseidon is one of those classics that can never be beaten, so therefore am glad I caught the remake first, Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell and an assortment of eye candy versus Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine, hmm I know which one I will go with. Is just funny watching something almost exactly the same as something I saw earlier in the week.

I don't think there will be any clamour to remake The Towering Inferno though - I saw the DVD of the original and internally shuddered. Too easily taken back to that clear blue skied day of September 11 - I will probably catch United 93 when it comes out to Oz though. I'm expecting United 93 to affect me similarly to Hotel Rwanda - I may be in tears about ten minutes in or so.

Dammit, let's get back to the footy, the Dutch will be starting in three quarters of an hour...

Oh Mi God

2006-06-16T20:33:00.000+10:00

Have just watched the Argentinian match against Serbia and Montenegro. What a display of total football by the Argies, six fucking nil - I tell you what, if Argentina aren't in the final, they would have had all fourteen players sent off in the semi or something, absolutely amazing. They made it look so amazingly easy, and this was against one of the better European teams, at least by dint of qualifying - the Serbs had only let one goal through to get through to this tournament, and had only lost one nil to the Dutch.

And those back heel shots for goal oh mi goodness. Anyone willing to bet on an Argentina Brazil final? Now, can I watch the Dutch match, see whether they trip up against the Ivory Coast...

One thing though, this World Cup is making me too tired and dozy to really think of good things to write about - have all these ideas during the day, and then when I get home, it fizzles out of my head.

The poor Serbs and Montenegrins, they gave up with twenty minutes to go...

Pauly

Three One, Let's Have It

2006-06-13T21:51:00.000+10:00

If anyone didn't catch yesterday's result, Australia won over Japan 3-1. Japan was leading one nil with five minutes to go of regulation time, and then their defence fell to pieces. Am kind of glad I missed the commercial news bulletins, getting home at about 7pm this week, because apparently it was one whole love fest saying how great it was to beat Japan and that the reaction seemed as if they had actually lifted the World Cup, let alone just the first game of the group stage.

Next up is Brazil on Friday, who are having their first game against Croatia later this morning.

I don't mind football in Australia, really I don't - I just have an intense dislike for the current executive John O'Neill, pompous looking and sounding git. This of course being the guy, when heading the Australian Rugby Union, who pulled the rug from under New Zealand at the 2003 World Cup, rugby one this time, and then supported Japan for the 2011 edition. Or was O'Neill already at the soccer board then? Anyways, it's not important, he was a git in rugby circles.

Since coming across to soccer, or football as it has been renamed here in Oz, with the Socceroos still as the national team, hmm, O'Neill has sold out the rights to Australian internationals and club matches to Foxtel, the main subscription television group here, after all the blood sweat and tears of '32 years of hurt' - to take an Englishism - of being a minority sport.

SBS must be pissed off with losing out in the bidding war - and, I'm sorry, but the A-League isn't La Liga or the Premier League, who will watch it on pay TV? It just feels a bit like the stupidity of the English cricket board selling their rights to BSkyB, money before the fans...

In the game behind me, Togo of all teams are leading South Korea one nil after half time - Togo of course having almost gone on strike to get money out of their football federation, going through three coaches in two days, before coming back to their original coach - and of course all the drama between qualification and arriving in Deutschland, they had a shocker of African Nations Cup...

Later taters
Pauly